by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 31, 2025 | Holistic
When Lori warned you that I was taking over the posting here, she said Doing Marriage Well is a very holistic way of addressing marriage. Holistic has gotten a bad rap because some who use the word go to weird places. But the concept is good. Put simply, holistic means the parts of something are connected, and must be considered together. I think marriage is very much that way.
I have learned, from both doctors and a good friend who does massage therapy, that sometimes where we feel pain is not where the problem is. This can be because of shared nerve pathways, such as with sciatica. It can also happen because a muscle that’s sore is compensating for weakness or injury in another part of the body, such as back pain because of a foot injury. Dealing with the part of the body that hurts can bring pain relief, but it won’t solve the problem, so the pain will continue.
The same thing happens in marriages. We feel “pain” somewhere other than the issue that is causing the pain. Perhaps the real issue is similar. Or maybe we hurt because we’re compensating for some other part of the marriage that needs work. Addressing the place we feel the pain is natural, but it won’t fix the problem, and the pain will continue.
Just as with physical pain, it may be good and right to do something about the pain, but we must also find and deal with the real source. Sometimes we have no idea what the real source is. A trained third party can be a big help in such a situation.
If your spouse suggests the real problem is something other than where you’re feeling pain, don’t dismiss them. They might be onto something.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Survey Results: Thanks to the 233 of you who took the time to fill out our first survey.
Half of you are 55 and better. Average happiness with your marriage was 7.6 on a 0 to 10 scale, and happiness with sex life was a 5.8.
If you could help us reach younger couples, that would be awesome!
Something very exciting happened last Wednesday:
That’s the first time in five months our pond has been ice free. And it’s a couple of weeks early.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 28, 2025 | ThePast, Trust
A good sex life requires trust. Some couples are having sex without trust, and that results in all manner of problems.
One obvious form of sexual trust is what is sometimes called consent. You need to know your spouse won’t push you when you don’t want sex, and won’t push you for sex you don’t want. The other side of that is trusting your spouse will speak up when they don’t want whatever. I’ve seen men assume they have that from their wife when they don’t, and that can do a lot of harm.
Another form of sexual trust is knowing your spouse isn’t telling their friends about your sex life. This is one that both men and women violate all too often. I suggest you have a talk about what is okay to share, and what will stay private. And either of you can put anything on the private list for any reason. Or no reason.
It’s also important to trust that your spouse sees your sexual pleasure as a high priority. It’s common for the husband to run well ahead of his wife early in the marriage, resulting in bad habits. Sex just for him, or just for her, is not a bad thing. But it needs to be a sometimes thing. Additionally, it should never be because one spouse feels their sex needs are less important.
Finally, if you had sex together before the wedding, understand your spouse may now feel that was a violation of trust. This can be true even if they were all for it back then. This is more commonly an issue for women, but I’ve seen it be the man. If either of you feels this way, it will hurt your current sex life until you deal with the past.
~ This is Paul, and trust is real nudity.
Speaking of sex and trust, I’ve added links to a couple of websites I trust for buying sexual items without nudity or gross content. Check out Married Dance and Honoring Intimates if you’re in the market for “sex toys” or lingerie.
I don’t know why, but I love tunnels. We did this one coming home from the retreat.
The road up high is part of what remains of the Historic Columbia River Highway, which goes by dozens of water falls.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 27, 2025 | Trust
A loss of trust is one of the most destructive thing a marriage can face. It’s also one of the more difficult things to fix. If you don’t trust your spouse, you don’t believe anything they promise. What’s more, their actions are suspect, and you have to see consistency for a long time to feel sure you can trust change.
Sometimes anything you say makes it worse, and you just have to give it time.
If you find your marriage in a place of broken trust, patience is critical. The one who broke trust must understand that impatience or nagging only get in the way of healing. All too often, the one who violated trust expects their spouse to “get over it” far faster than is reasonable. He or she is sure they have changed, and expects their spouse to somehow know that. Even if you really have changed, how would your spouse know that? It’s not like they can trust your word. This is even truer if this is not the first time you have violated trust in a big way.
Another thing the trust breaker must understand is that breaking trust in one area makes us suspect in all areas. This may not be fair or accurate, but again, there is no way for the one who has been violated to know that.
There are times when the violated spouse gets stuck and nothing the other does makes a difference. If this continues for a couple of months, the couple needs third party help. Mature friends might be able to help, but you may need to seek coaching or counselling.
~ This is Paul, and it’s better to not break trust in the first place.
For more help, I suggest the Gottman Trust Revival Method. It’s written for those who are struggle with infidelity, but it works for other kinds of broken trust.
Another picture from my hike.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 26, 2025 | Trust
I’ve heard men say, “I only trust my wife.” And I know there are women who feel the same way about their husband.
While it’s good these folks trust their spouse, this situation is still a marriage problem.
If I only trust my wife, there is no one else I can share things with, and that puts a burden on her. It overloads her, and that hurts our relationship. What’s more, there are times when I need a man’s perspective, and my wife will never be able to provide that. There may also be times when I need a third party view of my marriage, and my wife can’t provide that either.
There is another issue. At least three times, Proverbs tells that there is wisdom in having an “abundance of counsellors”. We need various voices speaking into our lives to do well.
If you don’t have close, trusted friends who you can share your life with, you’re putting yourself and your marriage in a bad place. I know it can be difficult to find people you can really trust. But you, your spouse, and your marriage need you to make it happen.
~ This is Paul, warning you that your spouse can’t be everything for you.
Tilly doesn’t get to sleep with us because she likes to wake up for play time at 3:30 AM.
But she joins us each morning for New Morning Mercies: A Daily Gospel Devotional by Paul David Tripp.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 25, 2025 | Trust
One aspect of trust we don’t always consider is what we say about our spouse when they are not with us.
Do you say unkind things about our wife when you’re with the guys? Do you tell your girlfriends things your husband would not want you to share? Maybe you think it’s no big deal, but you know your spouse would feel what you’re sharing is private and would be unhappy if they knew. And that’s a violation of trust.
There is a place for discussing problems with a friend. This can help you get perspective. And a mature friend can help you see where you might be unfair or causing problems. But this is something you do with one two people who you know will never share what you say or treat your spouse badly because of what you share. Even when you do this, there should be limits.
BTW, sharing something your spouse would not want shared by “asking for prayer” doesn’t make the violation of trust okay with your spouse. Or with God.
Bragging about your spouse “behind their back” is usually a good idea. But even here, don’t share something he or she wouldn’t want shared.
~ This is Paul, assuring you that what you say will get back to your spouse
Have you filled out the survey? So far 186 of you have, thanks so much! I’ll report on the findings next Monday. This survey is for my information, so I know a bit about you. Future surveys will be more interesting for those reading the blog.
During our Saturday afternoon break at the retreat, I took a hike along the creek.
Not a huge water fall, but wonderful all the same.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Mar 24, 2025 | ThePast, Trust
Trust.
Trust is the lifeblood of a marriage. Without trust, you can’t grow, and when trust it lost, everything can go to pieces.
Trust is not an all or nothing thing. There are levels of trust, building on each other.
Let’s start with the most basic trust. Do you trust your spouse to do good, not bad to you? Do you trust them to have your best interest at heart?
I assume most of you thought “of course” to those trust questions. But let me ask you, do your words and actions support the idea you trust your spouse in those ways? Would an unbiased third party looking at your relationship see you behaving as if that trust is beyond question? If not, that’s a problem, and it may not be about your spouse.
When I was at a men’s retreat last weekend, I heard many guys talk about their trust issues. Not with their wives, with others. They had been hurt many times, and it has made them slow to trust. Most of us have the same in our pasts. The problem is we can become so afraid to trust that we paint that on our spouse who has given us no reason to doubt their trust.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that our past can affect us today
The banner and theme from our retreat.
If you’re a pastor of an independent church, the Harbor Network is a great group that offers support and connection for independent churches. Being a part of it has been a blessing for our pastor and his wife, as well as for the church as a whole. If you want to know more, hit the link, or contact me.
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