by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 30, 2025 | Busy
We do not rest because our work is done; we rest because God commanded it and created us to have a need for it. ~ Richard A. Swenson, MD, author of Margin
Rest and margin are critical for a good life. And for a good marriage.
Rest is taking it easy physically and mentally. It means relaxing, reading, and playing. Without rest, busyness drags us down, and stress overwhelm us.
In the Big Ten, God told us to rest one day a week. It’s all well and good to say “We’re not under the law”, but if the God who created us thinks we require that, it’s probably a good idea to do it. Over on The Generous Husband, I talked about our multi-year journey from “we should take a Sabbath” to actually doing it. It’s probably the biggest and most difficult change Lori and I have ever made. Our only regret is not doing it much sooner.
Margin is free time, time not committed to anything in particular. Margin means you can do important things that come up unexpectedly. It means you can be there for the folks who count. Or it might allow for an unplanned afternoon of fishing, an evening walk on the beach two hours way, or some afternoon delight!
The saying “Life happens in the margins” is so true. Without margin, you don’t have a life. What’s more, you can’t have a good marriage, be a good parent, or please God without margin.
Swenson’s book, (see below) is in my short list of most life-changing books I’ve ever read. I highly suggest you find time to read or listen to it. It can improve your health, your life, and your marriage.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well takes time… off!
Great Resource: Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives
Paperback
Kindle
Audio
Widget knows how to play hard. And rest hard.
We should all learn from her example!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 29, 2025 | Busy
If we’re too busy for each other, we’re too busy. ~ Ryan Frederick of Fierce Marriage
And I say “Yes and amen!”
Your relationship with your spouse should be second only to your relationship with God. If you’re too busy to make your marriage good, your priorities are way off.
Sure, there are busy seasons. But if you’re always busy, or busy seasons are common, then you’re too busy. And if your marriage is suffering because of your busyness, that’s an emergency.
The struggle is figuring out what to cut back. Or cut out. And that needs to be something you figure out as a couple.
Decide what is most critical to you.
- As you have to eat, work is in that category. But how much you have to work depends on how you choose to live.
- Family is important, but there are, or should be, limits.
- Friends and recreation of good and necessary to be balanced and healthy. But again, you have choices. If those things take up too much time, or too much money, you need to rethink.
We usually wander into being too busy. Getting out takes effort and intentionality.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that if your marriage is not a priority, it will suffer.
This is Widget with her favourite toy.
Yes, that’s an empty milk bottle. She chases it around, then grabs it and runs around bouncing off of things, including Lori and me!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 28, 2025 | Busy
Beware the barrenness of a busy life. ~ Socrates
If you’ve read much of the blogging Lori or I have done, you know we’re concerned about the way busyness hurts people and marriages. I’ve called it the sin of busyness, and I believe it’s the number one cause of unhappy marriages. It’s also an underlying factor in many divorces.
Our society practically worships busyness. If you’re not doing too much, you will be called lazy. And some well-meaning folks will take biblical passages out of context to justify or even command busyness.
If you want a healthy life, you will have to be countercultural about how busy you are. If you want a good marriage, you will have to be radical about it. And if you want to be obedient to God, you will probably have to do less while also doing more of some things you’re currently too busy to do as much as you should.
Please understand that changing this usually takes a long time. You’ve made commitments. You are halfway through various things. And if your change means a less expensive lifestyle so you can work less, that won’t happen overnight.
Grab your sweetie and have a hard discussion about how busy you both are. Also talk about the things you’re not doing that you know you need to make time for. And be honest, is your marriage on that list?
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple
I’ve been busy getting the community garden ready. This picture is after flame weeding.
Lori, our son’s mother-in-law, and I plant and care for this space. Our kids and grandkids share in the results. We will be doing potatoes, corn, onions, carrots, beans to be dried, and sunflowers to feed the chickens.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 25, 2025 | PURSUIT
I recently came across a study that shows just how important pursuit is. The study was intended to gain insight into why sex relationships results in significantly more orgasms for men than their female partner. Their conclusion was it can be largely explained by what they called “interpersonal orgasm goal pursuit”.
The study looked at three things:
- Personal orgasm goal pursuit: How much each person was trying to orgasm during sex.
- Partner orgasm goal pursuit: How much each person was trying to help their partner orgasm.
- Perceived partner orgasm goal pursuit: How much each person felt their partner was prioritizing their orgasm.
It was found most men were far more serous about having an orgasm than most women. Additionally, women were generally more focused on his orgasm than he was on hers. And men, accurately, felt more support for their orgasm than women.
There are some clear sexual applications for this, but before we do that, this is evidence for what I said Monday, “we often get what we pursue, and almost never get what we do not pursue.” This is true for all aspects of life, and for every part of your marriage.
I would note that while survey participants were in monogamous relationships raging from three months to five years, many were not married. I would expect being married to improve the findings somewhat.
As for your marriage, if her orgasm is less common than his, orgasm pursuit might be a big reason for that. Increasing her orgasm pursuit results in a woman having more orgasms. Additionally, women who felt their partner was serious about them having an orgasm did so more often. In fact, her perception of his orgasm goal pursuit for her was a stronger predictor of her orgasm and sexual satisfaction than her orgasm goal pursuit for herself. So while it needs to matter to both of you, his attitude makes a bigger difference.
There have been those who say making orgasm a goal is counter-productive. I think this study shows that is wrong. There are also those who say her orgasm is less important than his. I would suggest that comes from outdated, selfish thinking. I figure a woman should have as many orgasms as she wants each time she has sex. And while zero is a valid number, it shouldn’t be a common choice.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Sex Well looks different for every couple.
Widget update: She retrieves a ball very well, is getting the hang of going outside rather than inside, and lets us sleep almost eight hours a night.
But as can be seen in this picture, the Labrador is strong in this one. I had her off the leash to play with Whiskey, and when Whiskey ran at the pond then turned away, Widget charged in for her first swim. She enjoyed it more than I did!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 24, 2025 | PURSUIT
Yesterday I talked about needing to wisely choose which marriage improvements to pursue first. But how do you decide what’s important and what can wait?
This is one of those places where a third party can help.
I say “third party” because there are a variety of choices. Sometimes a spiritually mature individual or couple is all you need. We did this for folks before we had much of a clue or any training. Looking in from the outside can give you a very helpful perspective.
If you need more, it’s time to find a coach, therapist, or counsellor. Some pastors have training in one of those, some do not. Some churches have lay minsters who have a little, or a lot of training. If your church can’t offer the help you need, it can still be a good starting place to find qualified help.
In general, more training means more cost for the client(s), so what kind of help you seek depends on your situation and how bad it is. You want individuals who have training and experience with the issue your marriage is having. The best addiction counsellor in the world is a poor choice for communication problems. Additionally, if your faith is important to you, someone with a similar worldview and faith is critical.
If you see multiple issues in your marriage, a bit of third party help could make a huge difference. When that help leads you to pursue one issue, you may or may not want additional input.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well sometimes requires a bit of help.
I snapped a sunset during our train ride home.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Apr 23, 2025 | PURSUIT
Your personal goals are easy. If you pursue a reasonable a goal well, you will achieve that goal. But marriage is a team sport, and if you and your spouse aren’t going after a goal together, progress will be slow at best and real success is unlikely.
All too often husband and wife pursue different valid goals. They may both be great, but going separate ways won’t get you where either of you want to be.
This is where specific goals and clear communication are vital. Just “wanting a better marriage” won’t do it. How exactly does a better marriage look? What stands between you and that goal? And how should you jointly pursue that goal?
In addition to your goals being specific, they must be narrow. Working at different part of a broad goal isn’t going to be particularly effective.
What makes this tricky is that you will have different marriage goals. Even if you both want the same things, you will have different priorities for various goals.
So how do you decide what goals to pursue first? Some goals are prerequisites for others. Not reaching some goals will harm your marriage far more than others. So flipping a coin isn’t a good plan.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well means moving together.
We walked a Rhododendron garden while we were away.
I love Rhody’s. Many can’t handle our cold, but a few can. I need to do some research and get a couple.
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