If you ask a husband and wife to both list the ten most important aspects of their marriage, you will likely see many of the same things on the two lists. But they will probably have different orders of importance.
If your top two or three things are not being well met, you don’t feel positive about your marriage. This is true even if everything else on the list is being done very well. If your top few are the bottom of your spouse’s list, and/or vice versa, you are probably having difficulty. And you may both be frustrated because you’re working hard; on what matters to you. Or maybe you’re working hard on the number nine thing on your spouse’s list, and you wonder why they show no appreciation for your efforts.
If you don’t know what matters most to your spouse, you’re flying blind. If you knew a few years ago but haven’t checked in, odds are that outdated data means you’re not able to put your efforts where they’re most needed.
The solution to all of this? Make lists of what matters most to you in your marriage, from one to ten. Have your spouse do the same. Then swap lists. Don’t attack their list. Ask for clarification if necessary. Then figure out how to address the item on the top of your spouse’s list.
And yes, sex is likely to be top or very high for one of you, and lower for the other. We will get to this on Friday.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
This is queen Tilly on her throne. It sits where both Lori and I can pet her from our desks.
Tilly wants you to know she had just come in from a long day outside, and had not yet cleaned up
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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