I recently came across a study that shows just how important pursuit is. The study was intended to gain insight into why sex relationships results in significantly more orgasms for men than their female partner. Their conclusion was it can be largely explained by what they called “interpersonal orgasm goal pursuit”.
The study looked at three things:
- Personal orgasm goal pursuit: How much each person was trying to orgasm during sex.
- Partner orgasm goal pursuit: How much each person was trying to help their partner orgasm.
- Perceived partner orgasm goal pursuit: How much each person felt their partner was prioritizing their orgasm.
It was found most men were far more serous about having an orgasm than most women. Additionally, women were generally more focused on his orgasm than he was on hers. And men, accurately, felt more support for their orgasm than women.
There are some clear sexual applications for this, but before we do that, this is evidence for what I said Monday, “we often get what we pursue, and almost never get what we do not pursue.” This is true for all aspects of life, and for every part of your marriage.
I would note that while survey participants were in monogamous relationships raging from three months to five years, many were not married. I would expect being married to improve the findings somewhat.
As for your marriage, if her orgasm is less common than his, orgasm pursuit might be a big reason for that. Increasing her orgasm pursuit results in a woman having more orgasms. Additionally, women who felt their partner was serious about them having an orgasm did so more often. In fact, her perception of his orgasm goal pursuit for her was a stronger predictor of her orgasm and sexual satisfaction than her orgasm goal pursuit for herself. So while it needs to matter to both of you, his attitude makes a bigger difference.
There have been those who say making orgasm a goal is counter-productive. I think this study shows that is wrong. There are also those who say her orgasm is less important than his. I would suggest that comes from outdated, selfish thinking. I figure a woman should have as many orgasms as she wants each time she has sex. And while zero is a valid number, it shouldn’t be a common choice.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Sex Well looks different for every couple.
Widget update: She retrieves a ball very well, is getting the hang of going outside rather than inside, and lets us sleep almost eight hours a night.
But as can be seen in this picture, the Labrador is strong in this one. I had her off the leash to play with Whiskey, and when Whiskey ran at the pond then turned away, Widget charged in for her first swim. She enjoyed it more than I did!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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