by PAUL BYERLY | May 30, 2025 | Different
Discussing different with regard to sex in a Christian context can be challenging. The church has a long history of allowing Gnosticism and Victorianism to taint what God says about sex in marriage.
God seem to be big on married couples having a lot of extraordinary sex. In both Song of Songs and Proverbs, we are encouraged to enter into sex with our spouse with abandon that is likened to being drunk. Sadly, some folks in the church have not seen that memo.
The good news is your sex life is private. You don’t have to tell, and if folks ask, you can let them know you don’t find answering appropriate. Your sex life is between the two of you, and God. If no one else is involved, it’s not harmful, and you both want and enjoy it, then it’s almost certainly okay with God.
However, just because you can do all manner of things sexually, doesn’t mean you need to do all of them. Or even most of them. Sex tends to be better when you learn something well, and that takes a lot of repetition. Most couples find a handful of things that they greatly enjoy and do those. They may do something different from time to time, and over time certain things will go out of favour, while others replace them. But most happy sex lives are not wild or massively varied.
One important issue here is that men are easily aroused by a wider range of things than most women. And men can climax from more things than women can. Keeping your sex life reliable and easy for her needs to always be a top consideration.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that how you do Sex Well is no one else’s business!
Hardly an impressive image, right?
This was originally a large pile of saw dust and bark from processing fire wood last winter. I didn’t want to look at all summer, so before we could no longer burn, I lit it up. This picture is after five days. It’s not been a fast process, but it’s now about 10% of what it was.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 29, 2025 | Different
Society has ideas about how to do marriage “right”. In theory, the church ignores those things. In practice, we are affected.
One of these is the idea that you should finish college, have a good job, and possibly own a home before you get married. This is not a biblical concept, but it’s becoming very common in the church. Jewish couples of old lived for years in a bedroom added to his parent’s home.
Part of what is used to justify later marriage is the idea you need to have a solid grasp on who you are before you get married. That sounds good, but it makes it more difficult for the two to become one.
The big one is sex before marriage. Church folks won’t tell you it’s okay to do that, but the truth is most think waiting to finish school is more important, and if that means you have sex, please don’t ask, don’t tell.
Then we have massive weddings that leave parents or the couple in debt for years. And don’t get me started on destination weddings!
Most of these are not an issue for my readers. But keep them in mind for your children!
~ This is Paul, reminding you that the world isn’t good at Doing Marriage Well.
Last fall, the deer got into our strawberry patch. So we just put in an eight-foot fence.
We need to do a lot of weeding in the bed they didn’t decimate. As we get runners, we will start new plants to fill the other two beds.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 28, 2025 | Different
One of the biggest voices trying to tell you how you should do your marriage is the church. Or at least some of her people.
Believers are big on doing things right. But all too often what is proclaimed to be the truth of God is man’s tradition. Some such things once had value, but no longer do. Some were never helpful, and some are actually contrary to the Word of God.
One example of this is children. Couples who decide not to have children may be told they are wrong, or that they are violating the Bible. And couples with “only” one, two, or three children may hear they are sinning against God by limiting the size of their family. It’s so bad, some folks who choose to adopt are chastened for not having children of their “own” if they could do that. Of course, none of this is actually found in the Bible.
Another hot topic is the role of husband and wife. I see a difference in the Bible, and follow that in my marriage. But much of what I hear being proclaimed as God’s roles for men and women is not in the scriptures.
I’ve also heard folks say God expects you to stay in an abusive marriage! And they back it up with verses taken out of context, and mangled scriptures.
What’s a Jesus follower to do!
This is a good reason to know what the Bible says. You don’t have to memorize the Bible to know something doesn’t sound right. If you have read it a few times, you know the heart of God and can identify claims that are at odds with that.
~ This is Paul, warning you that Doing Marriage Well may offend some religious folks.
Interesting reading along these lines: 7 Truths About Marriage You Will Not Hear In Church
This is how Tilly lets us know she wants to come in.
Even our animals do different well around here!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 27, 2025 | Different
Right vs Well:
For much of human history, going against the norm was dangerous. Everyone was dependent on their small community. Being different meant being ostracized, expelled, or burned at the stake! And there was good reason for this. When life hangs in the balance, different could cost the whole community. If farmer Brown decides to try a radical new way of planting, and it fails, the community may not have enough food for winter.
This is no longer our reality, but it’s still our instinct to fear those who are different. Get too far from the tried and true, and you will get push back, and folks trying to pull you back to “normal”.
Some react to this by going out of their way to be different. But being different just to prove others don’t control you is actually letting others control you!
Family of origin is a microcosm of enforced behaviour. There are ways things are done, and you’re expected to toe the line. Some families are far worse about this than others, but it’s always there to some degree. Family norms can be a difficult thing to buck. A good attitude to have is, “I’m glad that works for you. But what we do works better for us.”
Some of what is considered normal, is what works well for most. So don’t just toss everything. But some of what is normal doesn’t work for some, or even most. Maybe it did once, but no longer does. Or perhaps it was never really good.
Explore different carefully. Look at one thing at a time. Try various ways of doing marriage, and be willing to go back to where you started if you don’t find anything better. Also realise that what works will change as your life changes. Keep examining and changing as needed.
~ This is Paul, telling you that Doing Marriage Well requires intentionality.
Last fall, a friend let us try to propagate her blackberry bush.
So far, four of six show life. This one is the best of the batch. A lot of fruit is iffy here due to late frosts, but berries do very well.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 26, 2025 | Well vs Right
This blog is Doing Marriage Well, not Doing Marriage Right. And those two things are miles apart.
Right says there is one way to do something, and any other way is wrong. There are things which must be done a certain way, but those are actually few and far between. More often, “right” is enforced by some authority for uniformity or because of control issues.
You and your spouse are unique. And when you put two unique people together, you get a unique marriage. One-size-fits-all works for almost no one, and can be a disaster for many.
If you follow Jesus, there are some hard rules. Things you should not do, and things you should. Those things are the fence around a huge area. You can find what works best for you within that area. Sadly, many try to make the fenced area far smaller than God does. We’ll talk about that later this week.
I confess, I’m frequently the odd man out. I’m fine with that, which is probably part of why I’m often different. I don’t feel compelled to match social norms. I try to avoid needlessly offending, but I’m willing to be different if what I do is better for me. Or for my wife. Or our marriage.
If you want a great marriage, you have to be willing to do what works for the two of you, even if others don’t approve.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Reminder: We have a survey going, asking you What’s Hurting Your Marriage? This will affect future posts, so let your voice be heard. I’ll give results next Monday.
I got a shot of a couple of our pond turtles.
Usually they hit the water when they’re aware of movement. Probably a good idea with two dogs around. Perhaps they felt safe as they were surrounded by water. Should I tell them Widget loves to swim?
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 23, 2025 | Different
Sexual differences can be a source of great frustration in marriage. And most couples have some such differences.
Much of what I’ve talked about this week plays into sex. For example, the sensation seeker probably carries that into sex. However, they may not realise that desire is playing out in sex. I think some men chasing more sex actually desire more variety. If that’s the case, quantity is never going to give them what they want.
If one spouse wants vanilla and the other wants banana splits, finding a place in the middle will be necessary. That means one holds back, and the other pushes past their comfort zone on occasion.
As with all aspect of our lives, our upbringing, and past experiences are a significant factor. These things can be particularly powerful in our sexuality, and can deform what God created. If you were taught your genitals are dirty, or sex is bad, that’s had an effect. You might still be living as if those things are true. Or you might have rebelled against those things by becoming promiscuous or engaging in certain acts just because your mother would be appalled if she knew.
Porn also shapes us, creating or enlarging desires. It can also turn us off to something we would have enjoyed if we’d found it on our own in marriage.
You and your spouse need to discuss your sexual differences. But first you need to verify what you think you want is based on who God made you, rather than outside influences. Sounds like it’s time to pray and reflect!
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well can be confusing.
The yellow irises are blooming, and the purple are about to!
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