You and your spouse are different. And I don’t just mean those wonderful physical differences. You think, feel, and process differently. These differences can a big part of what attracted us to our spouse. And after we marry, they can become a source of frustration.
Not Wrong, Just Different and Valuable! ~ Emerson Eggerichs
Differences can be annoying. However, if you each learn to benefit from the other, differences can become powerful.
This week I want to look at some common differences, and how to accommodate them. We will be starting with how we process mentally.
Slow vs Fast processing: Some folks process faster than others. Processing speed is how long it takes to understand and react to the information we receive. Processing speed is not related to intelligence, it’s just how we are. Often, slow processors think through things more thoroughly. And of course, we have different speeds for different kinds of processing.
What I want to discuss here is how fast we process when we talk with our spouse. I’m a fast processor. Lori is slow. This was a problem until we figured it out. She could not “keep up” with me in a discussion, and if I pressed for a decision, I either got frustration or something she had not thought through yet. I have learned to give her time, and she reminds me when I fail to do that. I can make this less of an issue by mentioning something and letting her think about it before we have a significant discussion about it.
External Processing vs Internal Processing: External processing, also called verbal processing, means the person works through things by talking about them. This can be messy, as the person goes back and forth, considering various aspects of the issue. The internal processor does all this in their mind, then speaks a well-formed idea.
I’m a verbal processor, and sometimes talking about something helps me see things I would otherwise miss. Sometimes I process silently, but when I do that, I’m having a conversation in my mind, arguing various things against each other.
Internal processors tend to be introverts. External processes tend to be extroverts. Vocal processors are more likely to be fast processors. But there are exceptions to these norms.
Just Different: None of this is good or bad; it’s just how you are. If you and your spouse process differently, learn what that means and how to accommodate each other.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well means accepting different.
Resource: Navigating Processing Differences in Relationships
Tilly has found she can keep an eye on her kingdom from the comfort of the house.
But she still likes to be outside most of the day.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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