We will deal with our differences with appreciation and grace. ~ Paul David Tripp
I love that! Of course, it can be a challenge at times. The difference I’m talking about today has been a challenge for my dear wife. And she has shown both grace and appreciation.
The broad term for what we are discussing today is Sensation Seeking. It’s made up of several things, so it differs from person to person. There is also the issue of how strongly a person feels each.
My wife often tells the story of me suggesting, shortly after we got married, that we could walk across America. Years later, it was bike across America. While I’d have done either of these, she was not down with them. But when I suggested RVing around the country, I hit on something she was willing to do. We found a way to accommodate my sensation seeking without making her crazy.
Psychologist Marvin Zuckerman said that high sensation seekers need high amounts of stimulation. Not want, need. And they will go to great lengths to get it if they don’t have it.
Zuckerman divided sensation seeking into four components
- Thrill and adventure seeking entails fear and risk. Those things might be desired, or they may be an acceptable price to pay.
- Experience seeking is looking for new experiences that challenge the mind and senses. The goal is novelty, not danger.
- Disinhibition is about being spontaneous and uninhibited. There is a tendency to not consider, or care about, consequences.
- Boredom susceptibility is how well one tolerates the absence of external stimuli, and repetition. Trust me, a bored sensation seeker is not a good thing!
I couldn’t find a good test for sensation seeking because they all ask about things God calls sin, and didn’t have a way to opt out based on that. This makes the point that high levels of sensation seeking can create significant temptations. But there are sinless ways of fulfilling the desire.
If you’re more of a sensation seeker than your spouse, please be aware that they hold back because it’s how God made them. And if you’re less of a sensation seeker than your spouse, understand that they rush into new and different because that’s how God made them.
If you differ a good deal on this, there will be times the stronger sensation seeker will need to do things apart from their spouse. If you’re not a sensation seeker, bless your spouse and tell them to have fun. If you’re a sensation seeker, listen to your spouse’s concerns and make some accommodations.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well is sometimes challenging.
* From Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make
One common form of sensation seeking is wanting to try new food.
The Mexican restaurant we tried recently had some fun tables and chairs.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
There is another factor that is difficult to adjust for in a relationship. One person may be more or less a sensation seeker depending on arousal level. My wife is basically the opposite of a sensation seeker, I believe vanilla is the usual term, until she gets going. She isn’t a wild, risk taking, exhibitionist even then but what she is interested in trying changes drastically and has surprised me. She does still have hard no for some (non sinful) things that I would dearly love to do but she becomes much more adventurous.
Of course, there is good reason to be careful there, too, because I have heard/read that some people will very happily do some things while aroused and then feel deep regret about it when they come back to Earth. They have been known to then blame their partner for it, though it may have been all their idea. So, caution is warranted.
Does this mean arousal will mean she wants to go skydiving? Probably not but the brain functions very differently while aroused, so, who knows?
@Pa’dam – Excellent point. Arousal will make most folks more “adventuresome”. It’s good to have discussed boundaries and be ready to not cross one in the heat of the moment.