by PAUL BYERLY | May 22, 2025 | Different
A couple more places where couples tend to differ. These two are linked to some of the others I’ve mentioned, but as they are common problem areas, I want to discuss them.
How we handle money is a biggie. Usually a spender and a saver end up together, and how money is handled can become an ongoing fight.
Spenders tend to be sensation seekers, while savers tend towards risk averse. Understanding this can help us treat our spouse better over the issue. What we feel about money is rooted in how God made us, and attacking that is both wrong and hurtful. Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University is a great resource for this because he talks about the different ways we deal with money, and how a couple can deal with that.
Then we have the messy versus the neatnik. A large difference on this one can place a great deal of stress on a marriage.
We do need to realise that both of these tendencies can go to unhealthy levels. Hording is a mental health issue. Likewise for obsessive cleaning. At extreme levels, these things will need to be addressed by the appropriate professional.
At saner levels, understand that this is one more way of being who God made us to be. Messy is mentally painful for those who tend towards neat. But messies need a “lived in” feel. Studies have shown a messy environment can result in greater creativity.
If you and your spouse are at far ends of the messy/neat continuum, you will both need to sacrifice. I suggest you each have your area that is what you want and need. Areas you share need to be a compromise, leaning towards neat.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well means accommodating.
Widget has plenty of toys, which my neat wife keep putting in the crate. But her favourite play thing is an empty milk bottle.
In the mornings, she often carries it as she runs the length of the house a dozen or more times. Hey, whatever burns off puppy energy is fine!
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 21, 2025 | Different
We will deal with our differences with appreciation and grace. ~ Paul David Tripp
I love that! Of course, it can be a challenge at times. The difference I’m talking about today has been a challenge for my dear wife. And she has shown both grace and appreciation.
The broad term for what we are discussing today is Sensation Seeking. It’s made up of several things, so it differs from person to person. There is also the issue of how strongly a person feels each.
My wife often tells the story of me suggesting, shortly after we got married, that we could walk across America. Years later, it was bike across America. While I’d have done either of these, she was not down with them. But when I suggested RVing around the country, I hit on something she was willing to do. We found a way to accommodate my sensation seeking without making her crazy.
Psychologist Marvin Zuckerman said that high sensation seekers need high amounts of stimulation. Not want, need. And they will go to great lengths to get it if they don’t have it.
Zuckerman divided sensation seeking into four components
- Thrill and adventure seeking entails fear and risk. Those things might be desired, or they may be an acceptable price to pay.
- Experience seeking is looking for new experiences that challenge the mind and senses. The goal is novelty, not danger.
- Disinhibition is about being spontaneous and uninhibited. There is a tendency to not consider, or care about, consequences.
- Boredom susceptibility is how well one tolerates the absence of external stimuli, and repetition. Trust me, a bored sensation seeker is not a good thing!
I couldn’t find a good test for sensation seeking because they all ask about things God calls sin, and didn’t have a way to opt out based on that. This makes the point that high levels of sensation seeking can create significant temptations. But there are sinless ways of fulfilling the desire.
If you’re more of a sensation seeker than your spouse, please be aware that they hold back because it’s how God made them. And if you’re less of a sensation seeker than your spouse, understand that they rush into new and different because that’s how God made them.
If you differ a good deal on this, there will be times the stronger sensation seeker will need to do things apart from their spouse. If you’re not a sensation seeker, bless your spouse and tell them to have fun. If you’re a sensation seeker, listen to your spouse’s concerns and make some accommodations.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well is sometimes challenging.
* From Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make
One common form of sensation seeking is wanting to try new food.
The Mexican restaurant we tried recently had some fun tables and chairs.
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 20, 2025 | Different
This week we are looking at differences. Today, introvert vs extrovert.
This subject is not as simple and straight forward as you may have been told. In addition to introvert and extrovert, there is ambivert. Ambivert is often described as somewhere between the other two. As an ambivert, I see it more as a blending. The description that showed me this is what I am was that this kind of person would be happy spending the day in a coffee shop working on their computer, with limited interaction with others.
Estimates suggest the majority of us are actually ambiverts. Myers-Briggs and other personality tests ignore ambivert, which means many have been misinformed about their veritsm.
Beyond the ambivert option, there are subtypes of introvert and extrovert. (See below for links on that.)
In the context of marriage, the issue is making room for what your spouse needs. It’s rare for two strong introverts or extroverts to marry. This is probably a good thing, as a mix of the two tends to be better for each person. Please learn the needs your spouse has because of their vertism.
Introverts need quiet alone time to feel sane. Even if they work and play well with others, alone time is critical. My introvert wife says I have learned to “fly under the radar” and being with just me usually counts as alone time. On occasion, I give her just her time, because I know it’s good for her.
Extroverts need to be with people to feel alive. Some require this more than others. Some need a crowd, while some are okay with a friend or two. If your spouse is an extrovert, they must have contact with others to feel good. And you need to help them make sure that happens.
Ambiverts tend to be flexile. They wouldn’t be happy never seeing others, and probably don’t want to spend the entire day in a big crowd. But odds are whatever works for you will be good with your ambivert spouse.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well requires understanding and making allowances for differences.
Resources:
This picture is from a driveway cam one county west of us.
I post it today because we got word that three cougars had been seen on the road in front of our place. So the kids and the animals are in and all the guys are carrying guns for a couple of days. This used to feel weird to me, but now it’s just part of living where we live.
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 19, 2025 | Different
You and your spouse are different. And I don’t just mean those wonderful physical differences. You think, feel, and process differently. These differences can a big part of what attracted us to our spouse. And after we marry, they can become a source of frustration.
Not Wrong, Just Different and Valuable! ~ Emerson Eggerichs
Differences can be annoying. However, if you each learn to benefit from the other, differences can become powerful.
This week I want to look at some common differences, and how to accommodate them. We will be starting with how we process mentally.
Slow vs Fast processing: Some folks process faster than others. Processing speed is how long it takes to understand and react to the information we receive. Processing speed is not related to intelligence, it’s just how we are. Often, slow processors think through things more thoroughly. And of course, we have different speeds for different kinds of processing.
What I want to discuss here is how fast we process when we talk with our spouse. I’m a fast processor. Lori is slow. This was a problem until we figured it out. She could not “keep up” with me in a discussion, and if I pressed for a decision, I either got frustration or something she had not thought through yet. I have learned to give her time, and she reminds me when I fail to do that. I can make this less of an issue by mentioning something and letting her think about it before we have a significant discussion about it.
External Processing vs Internal Processing: External processing, also called verbal processing, means the person works through things by talking about them. This can be messy, as the person goes back and forth, considering various aspects of the issue. The internal processor does all this in their mind, then speaks a well-formed idea.
I’m a verbal processor, and sometimes talking about something helps me see things I would otherwise miss. Sometimes I process silently, but when I do that, I’m having a conversation in my mind, arguing various things against each other.
Internal processors tend to be introverts. External processes tend to be extroverts. Vocal processors are more likely to be fast processors. But there are exceptions to these norms.
Just Different: None of this is good or bad; it’s just how you are. If you and your spouse process differently, learn what that means and how to accommodate each other.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well means accepting different.
Resource: Navigating Processing Differences in Relationships
Tilly has found she can keep an eye on her kingdom from the comfort of the house.
But she still likes to be outside most of the day.
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 16, 2025 | Growing
Today, I want to look at all the things I have mentioned this week as they apply to your sex life.
Training Wheels: Training wheels can help, but also limit. Using lube allows you to have sex, but it may mean you need to learn how to arouse her. Hand jobs for his higher drive keep him from losing his mind, but may prevent the couple from finding something that is better for both of them.
Ditch the train wheels when you no longer need them. And work to no longer need them!
Shortcuts: Some sex shortcuts are just wrong. Using porn for arousal, for example. Yes, it will get her going, but at a cost. Other shortcuts are not wrong, but may keep you from learning things that would make your sex life better. A vibrator might speed up foreplay, but could also limit her pleasure.
Validate your shortcuts.
Books: There are a lot of books about sex. The majority advocate things contrary to the Word of God, and may show things we should not be looking at. It’s rare for a secular book on sex to not contain things that are problematic for believers. Fortunately, there are a number of good books written by and for Christians.
Two books we can highly recommend are Rethinking Sexuality: God’s Design and Why It Matters and Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life .
A Guide: Growing up, most of us learned from friends. This was usually the blind leading the blind. Talking with your adult friends should be better than that, and you can learn things. A concern is how much you, and they, share about your sex lives. And if it will go any further?
A counsellor or coach will have more information, will be better able to determine what you might need, and should guarantee your privacy. Internet based help allows you to talk with someone you won’t see in real life.
For obvious reasons, working with someone of the opposite sex is a bad idea, even if the person is a professional. We think couple to couple is great, but usually a mix of that with some same gender meetings is most effective. If your spouse is unwilling to get help with you, talking with a couple can give you a better understanding of your spouse.
Lori and I do coaching for sexual issues. We find a few sessions can be a big help.
~ This is Paul, who is glad we now have so many great tools to help us Do Sex Well!
What a beautiful sight!
We have a big Yellow Jacket issue every summer. These are queens, which can produce 5,000 workers each! Our dozen traps have taken out about 100 queens so far.
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by PAUL BYERLY | May 15, 2025 | Growing
One great way to get from point A to point B is to hire a guide.
We can do this in marriage with a friend, an older couple from church, or with a coach or counsellor. As with books, you want to make sure what you get is good. In fact, this is even more important with input from other people. A good guide can take you to places you might never go on your own. And a bad guide can get you lost; or worse! A similar faith is critical when you seek help from others.
A good guide has been where you want to go. When Lori and I were having difficulty at the start of our marriage, the only couple willing to help us didn’t have a marriage we wanted to emulate. We decided that was not going to help us.
Knowing the way is not enough; a good guide also knows how to help others. Among other things, that requires being able to understand where you’re starting from, and your abilities. It may be faster to go over a hill than around it, but if you can’t manage the slope, it’s a bad option. A guide also needs to be able to tell when you need a break.
For marriage help, we’re big fans of working with another couple. This gives you both a male and a female viewpoint, and improves understanding. It also means you each have an advocate.
And yes, Lori and I do coaching for various marriage issues, including sexual difficulties. And the ministry we work with has others who can offer various help.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well sometimes takes help.
The lilacs are blooming! We also have white, and last year we got a dark purple one we will put in the ground this year.
Widget is more interested in finding that robin that keeps leading her away from its nest.
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