by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 30, 2025 | Tipping Points
I want to talk about marriage Tipping Points this week.
If you put a big rock on one side of a balance scale, and then start to add pebbles one at a time to the other side, eventually one single pebble will cause the pebble side to drop as the rock rises. There’s nothing special about that last pebble. It might well be smaller than most of the rest. And had you not added any of the other pebbles before it, that one would not have made a change.
It’s the sum of the pebbles that makes the change!
Tipping points in relationships are the same way. A number of small words or actions pile up until one causes a huge change, for good or bad. It might usher in a much better marriage. It might threaten to end the marriage. Or anything in between. And unlike our rock example, relationship tipping points are not easily reversed by removing one small thing.
The problem is we don’t see all the little things piling up. We see the big change, and we tend to attribute it to something very recent.
If it’s a bad change, we focus on that one rude thing we said or unloving thing we did, rather than the sum of such words or actions. We try to deal with that one thing, which in and of itself means virtually nothing. We waste valuable time focused on something that won’t change the situation.
If the change is good, it’s tempting to think we have found the magic word or action that makes our spouse happy, or agreeable, or less of something we dislike. And again, what we are focusing on is one small part of the whole, and it’s the whole that caused the change.
~ This is Paul, saying that tipping points can cause massive changes.
So Widget dreams of being a shield maiden of Rohan.
The “Hobbit” on the right edge of the picture is our youngest grandson.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 27, 2025 | Together
Obviously, having sex needs to be on the list of things a couple does together. What I want to focus on today is what it means to “do sex together”.
Good sex is a participation sport. If either of you is not fully participating, you’re not having the kind of sex God calls you to.
There are two ways this happens, and for the most part they fall along gender lines.
For women, not being present is usually based on a lack of interest. It could be all the time, or only on occasions when she’s just having sex for him. Either way, her lack of engagement cheats him out of good sex. It also cheats her out of the relational and emotional connection she could experience, even if she feels no interest in orgasm.
Speaking of orgasm, a lack of that is one reason some women stop participating when they have sex. If sex is just for his enjoyment, why should she do more than show up? If this is an issue, it needs to be addressed. A wife should climax as often as she wants. I find most husbands feel this way too, and most would be eager to do whatever it takes for that to happen.
Regardless of why she’s not into it, the effect for him is how she would feel if he agreed to a date night and then ignored her the entire time. It’s not what she wants or needs, and it makes her feel her husband doesn’t care about her.
For men, not being present is not about a lack of interest. One reason this happens is that he’s so focused on release, he wants to rush to the end. He’s not enjoying the journey, which cheats him, and he’s not there for her, which cheats her. He should work to slow down, but this is difficult if a man is having less sex than he requires.
Another possibility is he is thinking about something he wants to do that his wife won’t do. Maybe it’s something he has fixated on because of porn use. Or maybe he has a normal range of sexual interests, and his wife is a bit reluctant. Regardless of why, his mind is not on what they’re doing, which makes sex less for both of them. The solution here is to learn to enjoy and become immersed in what does happen in bed.
When you are both fully present for sex, it’s far better than when one or both of you is elsewhere.
~ This is Paul, saying Doing Sex Well requires being there when you do it.
Found some Lupine on our walk.
Didn’t know they grew here.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 26, 2025 | Together
High on the list of things a couple should do together is going to church.
If you and your sweetie can’t agree on a church, you have a problem that won’t be solved by going to separate churches.
If your faith is a big deal to you, sharing it with your spouse is a must. If it’s not a common thing, it can cause a divide.
Various studies have found that couples who attend church together have reported higher levels of happiness and have lower rates of divorce. What’s more, such couples have greater satisfaction with their sex lives, and have sex more often.
Another study found that couples who pray together regularly have greater relationship quality, and the lowest divorce rate of any group. And yes, praying together has also been linked to greater sexual satisfaction.
Attending a church small group together, reading the Bible together, or doing a devotional as a couple have all been shown to have similar benefits.
Bottom line: God is good for your marriage, especially when you do the things of God together.
~ This is Paul, and doing God together helps you that Do Marriage Well!
We’ve cut a loop through the wooded five acres of the property.
Widget loves walking it with me and her friend Whiskey.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 25, 2025 | Together
Ever heard a couple sing the praises of taking separate vacations? You can easily get Google to give you “experts” who say separate vacations build trust, or improve relationships. I say balderdash!
Most couples have many great couple memories from vacations. Relaxing together is good. Doing new things together is good. Vacation sex is good. You don’t get any of that if you take separate vacations.
I found a study on this. It indicated that shared experiences during vacations resulted in higher levels of couple flexibility and cohesion following vacations. Another study found that novel, interesting, or challenging vacation experiences predicted higher post-vacation romantic passion and relationship satisfaction for couples travelling with their partners, but not those that did the same kinds of things separately.
I suspect I’m preaching to the choir here. The more important point I want to make is that you should make vacations a high priority. I know that’s difficult when money is tight and children are young. Swap kid watching with another couple. Pack an ice chest to save money on food. Send the kids away and do a staycation.
On the other end of marriage, we may feel vacations are less important when we’re retired. But making good memories together keeps us feeling close, and no couple outgrows that.
BTW, I’m all for men’s and women’s retreats. But going away to have fun without your spouse for a week is an extremely bad plan.
~ This is Paul, saying that Doing Vacations Well looks different for every couple.
This is a Goat’s Beard plant.
The puff is a good four inches.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 24, 2025 | Together
As we talk this week about sharing life with our spouses, one thing we must discuss is sleeping together.
No, not sex, we’ll get to that on Friday. I mean going to bed together, sleeping together, and waking up together.
You might think, “We’re asleep, why does it matter?” Turns out it matters a great deal.
The list of benefits from sleeping together sounds too good to be true, but there are studies (see below) to back them up. Those who share a bed fall asleep faster, have increased sleep duration, get more REM sleep, and have better sleep quality. There are health benefits, such as lower blood pressure, reduced inflammation, and a stronger immune system. There are also mental benefits, which include lower levels of depression, anxiety, and stress, along with greater satisfaction with life and relationships.
One benefit difficult to measure is that your schedule become synced. This makes it easier to do life together all day. Starting and ending together works out well.
Then there’s the opportunity for physical intimacy, both sexual and non-sexual. Couples who go to bed together engage in more sex and other forms of physical intimacy. Of course, there’s the issue of cause and effect there, as some set different bed times to avoid intimacy.
Obviously, I’m opposed to the so-called “sleep divorce” that is being promoted by some. The benefits of sleeping together for both your health and your marriage are significant.
Yes, snoring can be an issue. But you deal with that with a good snore guard and ear plugs. Another trick, common in Scandinavian countries, is two sets of blankets on a single bed. Lori and I deal with the “blanket stealing” by having a king-sized blanket on our queen-size bed.
~ This is Paul, suggesting that doing sleep together helps you Do Marriage Well.
References:
Blue and green.
Just the image is relaxing!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 23, 2025 | Together
Our theme this week is doing life together.
Remember when you fell in love, and you tried to spend every waking minute together? You wanted to share everything!
But that changes over time. To some degree, this is right and healthy. But as life gets busy, it’s all too easy to take it too far. Divorce following the last child leaving home is common. Some of those folks were just waiting for the kids to be gone, but many didn’t realise until they were alone that they no longer had anything in common beyond the children. After years of not sharing life, some couples just throw in the towel.
One thing to make a point of doing together is eating meals. Eating together bonds people, and your marriage can use all of that it can get. Make dinner together a very high priority. Add to that breakfast and lunch as often as is reasonably possible. And of course, date night is a special shared meal.
Please note that using your phone at a meal means you are with it, not your spouse
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well requires doing life together.
The June survey is a bit different. Please share something different or unusual you and your spouse do that makes your marriage better or easier.
For example, my mother says two bars of soap in the shower was a must. She hated to find hair on the soap, and my dad didn’t care. So they had his and her soap bars.
Hanging with mom after a walk with dad.
It doesn’t get any better!
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