More results from our What’s Hurting Your Marriage? survey. Today, health and elder care.

Due to the age of most of our respondents, these two were higher than they would be for marriages in general. But both are things most couples will face at some point, so well worth some discussion.

It’s all well and good to promise to stay together in sickness and health when you’re twenty-something. Decades later, the reality of that can hit us hard. A major surgery disrupts your lives, even if there are no long term negative effects. Other things result in permanent limitations or changes.

When your spouse can no longer do what they have always done, you get to grow in sacrifice and service. I think it’s right and helpful to mourn what you’ve lost. But you don’t want to beat up your spouse with that, so a good friend would be a better choice. 

Support groups can be amazing. Not just for the one who is dealing with whatever, but for their spouse. There are groups online that can provide this for you. Your goal is to have the best marriage you can, given the new normal, and others in your situation will have ideas that can help.

Caring for ageing parents can be a significant challenge. Lori and I did our share of that, including moving into my mom’s home to care for her the last nine months of her life. I think we have a responsibility to do this, HOWEVER that must be balanced with our other responsibilities. 

If caring for a parent destroys your marriage or harms your children, you need to make a different choice. It’s a big mistake for one spouse to spend a great deal of time away from home and family to go be with mom or dad. Short stints, yes. End of life, sure. Month after month? No. Every weekend? Also no. My mother was local. I was able to keep working, and our son was with us. It was hard, but it didn’t do long term harm to our marriage or our son.

After my mom was gone, we told Lori’s mom we would care for her if she needed it, but she would have to move to us. It was a right and good boundary, and I think we were wise to discuss it before there was any need. Ultimately, Lori’s sister stepped up.

If you have siblings, you need to discuss caring for mom and dad well before it’s needed. Be on the same page. Decide what everyone can reasonably do. Be ready to get them live in help, or move them as needed. Have a plan to care for them without destroying your life.

~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well is sometimes hard work.

Tilly being treated as she knows she should be.

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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