As we talk this week about sharing life with our spouses, one thing we must discuss is sleeping together.
No, not sex, we’ll get to that on Friday. I mean going to bed together, sleeping together, and waking up together.
You might think, “We’re asleep, why does it matter?” Turns out it matters a great deal.
The list of benefits from sleeping together sounds too good to be true, but there are studies (see below) to back them up. Those who share a bed fall asleep faster, have increased sleep duration, get more REM sleep, and have better sleep quality. There are health benefits, such as lower blood pressure, reduced inflammation, and a stronger immune system. There are also mental benefits, which include lower levels of depression, anxiety, and stress, along with greater satisfaction with life and relationships.
One benefit difficult to measure is that your schedule become synced. This makes it easier to do life together all day. Starting and ending together works out well.
Then there’s the opportunity for physical intimacy, both sexual and non-sexual. Couples who go to bed together engage in more sex and other forms of physical intimacy. Of course, there’s the issue of cause and effect there, as some set different bed times to avoid intimacy.
Obviously, I’m opposed to the so-called “sleep divorce” that is being promoted by some. The benefits of sleeping together for both your health and your marriage are significant.
Yes, snoring can be an issue. But you deal with that with a good snore guard and ear plugs. Another trick, common in Scandinavian countries, is two sets of blankets on a single bed. Lori and I deal with the “blanket stealing” by having a king-sized blanket on our queen-size bed.
~ This is Paul, suggesting that doing sleep together helps you Do Marriage Well.
References:
- “Are We in Sync with Each Other?” Exploring the Effects of Cosleeping on Heterosexual Couples’ Sleep Using Simultaneous Polysomnography: A Pilot Study
- Bed-Sharing in Couples Is Associated With Increased and Stabilized REM Sleep and Sleep-Stage Synchronization
- Bed Sharing Versus Sleeping Alone Associated with Sleep Health and Mental Health
Blue and green.
Just the image is relaxing!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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This may be “generally true” but as you often mention, doing marriage looks different for each couple. We have been sleeping in different rooms for a few years now, and, contrary to those studies, my sleep quality has improved a lot. I happen to have a very hard time to fall asleep when awoken, and my wife snores loudly, moves around, turns on the lights, forgets the lights on, opens drawers to look for meds or other objects, leaves the room with the door open (and air conditioner one), and I just can’t relax until things are back to order again – and, when I complain, there comes a big argument. More – she typically goes to sleep very late and I am the opposite. We slept in the same bed for decades, but we came to the conclusion that this was what works best for us – “studies” regardless. So I aim for intimacy twice a week (I’m 60), I aim to have a time of snuggling and praying daily, and at least one meal together a day. It’s feasable, it’s been working
@anon – Your intentionality about connecting is the key to making it work.
We have extreme difficulties. We have been unable to sync schedules since I accepted a night shift position at my place of employment. (I was unable to attain a 9-5 $100k/year salary job) I try not to work overtime, in order to sleep but the shame and guilt that comes from “being slothful” and sleeping on my days off, and sleeping that night nags at me because of hardliners teaching me to work more than 40 hours a week and stay out of debt, and yet these same fundamentalists insist on perfect attendance on Sunday gatherings. What tends to happen to me is that I work all Saturday night, attend Sunday mornings, and then work the following night. On my weekdays off, I need sleep in order to be emotionally healthy, and therefore sleep until 15:00. That same night I try to sleep next to the bride the LORD gave me. As a result of that dynamic (which I often reconsider) precious little time is left to spend together. And then our special needs child has night terrors and cries for her mommy. In spite of all of this, I bravely resist the urge to spend time on yard work or auto repair things that are not critical to working my job, and I eschew hobbies and most hanging out with people. I have learned the word ‘no’ is really a commitment to saying yes to the LORD’S perfect will for my family, and that “keeping up appearances” is a scam of the worst sort, from the CENTCOM of hell itself.
@Joshua Corbin – It can be a challenge!
When Lori and I got married, I worked nights, and she has a six-year-old, so we could not sleep the same schedule. I would to bed with her and get up when she fell asleep, and she did the same when I went to be in the morning.
Sundays were horrible. I got home too late to nap before church. I’d get home and get a few hours before small group. Then a few hours after.
Any man working nights is as far from lazy as one can get. And you’re right that doing what’s best for your family is what the Lord wants.
You have my prayers!