Obviously, having sex needs to be on the list of things a couple does together. What I want to focus on today is what it means to “do sex together”.
Good sex is a participation sport. If either of you is not fully participating, you’re not having the kind of sex God calls you to.
There are two ways this happens, and for the most part they fall along gender lines.
For women, not being present is usually based on a lack of interest. It could be all the time, or only on occasions when she’s just having sex for him. Either way, her lack of engagement cheats him out of good sex. It also cheats her out of the relational and emotional connection she could experience, even if she feels no interest in orgasm.
Speaking of orgasm, a lack of that is one reason some women stop participating when they have sex. If sex is just for his enjoyment, why should she do more than show up? If this is an issue, it needs to be addressed. A wife should climax as often as she wants. I find most husbands feel this way too, and most would be eager to do whatever it takes for that to happen.
Regardless of why she’s not into it, the effect for him is how she would feel if he agreed to a date night and then ignored her the entire time. It’s not what she wants or needs, and it makes her feel her husband doesn’t care about her.
For men, not being present is not about a lack of interest. One reason this happens is that he’s so focused on release, he wants to rush to the end. He’s not enjoying the journey, which cheats him, and he’s not there for her, which cheats her. He should work to slow down, but this is difficult if a man is having less sex than he requires.
Another possibility is he is thinking about something he wants to do that his wife won’t do. Maybe it’s something he has fixated on because of porn use. Or maybe he has a normal range of sexual interests, and his wife is a bit reluctant. Regardless of why, his mind is not on what they’re doing, which makes sex less for both of them. The solution here is to learn to enjoy and become immersed in what does happen in bed.
When you are both fully present for sex, it’s far better than when one or both of you is elsewhere.
~ This is Paul, saying Doing Sex Well requires being there when you do it.
Found some Lupine on our walk.
Didn’t know they grew here.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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