by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 20, 2025 | Needs
Is sex a want or a need? I’ve heard a great deal of arguing about that question over the years.
My approach to this is consistency. Sex should be treated the same as the non-sexual wants and needs we’ve disused this week.
I often hear, “But sex is different.” Yes, it is. It’s far more personal and powerful than many other things. If it deserves special treatment, that would be to treat it as more, not less. It should get at least the consideration other things get.
On Monday, I said reducing what your spouse desires to a want allows us to justify not giving what is desired. Does it matter if it’s a want? Don’t you want to meet your spouse’s wants? Especially in an area where you alone can do that?
On Tuesday, I talked about the selfish farmer who was unwilling to go outside his comfort zone to give his wife something she needed. Love stretches itself in reasonable ways.
On Wednesday, I talked about generosity having no need to discern wants from needs, because it wants to meet both. Generosity wants to give what is desired, and finds ways to do that.
And to balance it all, I suggested when we are the receiver, we must be reasonable. Being selfish about what we want is not loving.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Sex Well looks a lot like doing the rest of marriage well.
The does are giving birth, so the yearling deer are on their own and a bit clueless.
This one forgot it was supposed to run for thirty seconds.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 19, 2025 | Needs
So how do you give your spouse what they really need?
Ideally, you could just ask them. And I suggest you start there. But some folks won’t talk about what they need, and plenty of us don’t really know.
Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages is an excellent tool for learning the broad area where your spouse needs to be loved. However, if you read the book or took a 5 love languages test years ago, I recommend you do it again. As we grow and mature, things can change.
In addition to not being sure what we need, we may not know how much of something we require. Imagine you grew up in a very poor place. You never had enough food, were often hungry, and had no idea when your next meal might be. You would have no idea how much food you required. “More” is not a quantity. What’s more, you would also think about food ALL.THE.TIME.
Because of needs not meet when we were growing up, most of us have places where we are like that starving child. We know we require more, but we have no idea how much we need. And we’re overly focused on the need because of years of not having it met.
Sometimes what we think is a huge need is not as big as we think. If we get enough for a while, it settles into place where it belongs. So, for example, if you never heard “I love you” growing up, you might want to hear it a hundred times a day when your spouse starts telling you. But over time, as the need is satisfied, you find that a dozen times a day is plenty. You still desire it, but not nearly as much.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Sunset driving out of Spokane.
God’s art work is spectacular!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 18, 2025 | Needs
The Apostle Paul intros 1 Cor 13, the so-called love chapter, by saying “I will show you a better way”. Today, I am stealing that line, as I will show you a better way to deal with wants and needs:
Generosity has no need to sort wants from needs, because it wants to meet both. The attitude is, “If you desire it and I can give it, I will.”
There are of course limits. What is desired must be legal, moral, and not harmful. There’s also the issue of time and energy, both of which are finite. This is where we need to prioritise. What our spouse most desires must be at the top of our to give list. Doing everything on page two and three doesn’t mean much if you’re not doing most of the top five.
We must also consider the reality that it’s difficult to freely pour into someone who does little for us. You can, however, choose to do this for a time. And if you do that, there is a very good chance your spouse will reciprocate. Start a virtuous cycle!
~ This is Paul, telling you that generosity is Doing Marriage Well.
Looking down on the chicken yard, with the community garden beyond.
So much work, but it feels good!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 17, 2025 | Needs
There’s an old joke about a stoic farmer who got married. On the way home from the ceremony, the man of few words said to his new bride, “I love you. It that ever changes, I’ll let you know.”
How many women would be okay with only hearing “I love you” once? For that matter, how many men would be okay with that?
No one is going to die without hearing “I love you” from their spouse. But not hearing it hurts them, their feelings for their spouse, and their marriage.
There are certain things a marriage needs to survive. And there are far more things it needs to thrive.
That gruff old farmer was selfish. He was unwilling to go outside his comfort zone to give his new wife something she needed. And in dong that, he hurt her and limited their marriage.
Because we’re all different, what we require for a thriving marriage differs. My bride has virtually no need for romantic acts. But some women would shrivel up and die inside without such things. Some women thrive on little gifts, while others see them as silly. And so on.
Love gives what is needed, and it stretches to do so if that’s what it takes.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that what marriage needs looks different for every couple.
Looks like strawberry season is here!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 16, 2025 | concept
Let’s talk about “needs” this week. I’ve heard plenty of folks say they need something, only to be told what they have expressed is a want.
If you get down to it, we don’t need most of what we have to “survive”. But most of us want to go beyond survival, and if we love someone we want far more than survival for them!
In his excellent, and highly recommended, book Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make, Paul David Tripp say, “Calling something a need that is not actually a need is one of the ways we tend to excuse self-focus and the demands that accompany it.”
I agree with the other Paul. And it’s a good word for us to apply to ourselves. But let me offer balance for that which we should also apply to ourselves: Reducing what your spouse desires to a want is one of the ways we tend to excuse self-focus and justify not giving what is desired.
You see the dichotomy? As a receiver, be reasonable. As a giver, be extravagant.
Are you falling short on either side?
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well means caring about what your spouse wants.
Orange Honeysuckle
Got a picture before it was picked for jam.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jun 13, 2025 | Pray!
So praying, about sex? Is that even okay?
It’s a silly question, but I suspect you’ve felt that way at least a bit.
Peter Lombard, a theologian who lived in the 1100’s said “The Holy Spirit leaves the room when a married couple has sex, even if they do it without passion to make new virgins for the kingdom of heaven.” We are past that, but generally still fall short of God’s truth about sex.
God tells us to enjoy sex. He tells us to do with an abandon that is likened to being drunk. Surely God wants to hear from us about sex. He wants us to pray when sex is difficult, and He wants us to praise Him for good sex. (Yes, really!) We don’t have to be shy about talking to our Heavenly father about the sexual parts He gave us, or the wonderful things they can do.
Another thing that makes praying about sex difficult can be feeling what we want is not okay with God. What man can pray that God will make his wife engage in that sex act she hates? What wife can feel okay praying that God will take away her husband’s sex drive?
Prayer has a way of bring us into line with God’s will. That’s a good thing in general, and it’s especially good when it comes to sex.
~ This is Paul, telling you that Doing Sex Well is good with God.
The turkeys have moved out of the brooder.
And yes, one has claimed the food dish as a place to sleep. It’s a given.
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