by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 31, 2025 | Not That
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4f98Vu4
Another reason we fail to go after the real marriage problem is that we can’t face the truth. We “work on” other issues because we are unwilling to acknowledge the real issue.
Some marriage issues are scary. Admitting our spouse doesn’t care about us as they should is devastating. It’s easier to pretend they just don’t know how to show their love. But learning about love languages won’t change anything if your spouse has no desire to show you love. Pretending you need better communication skills when you have not had sex in 18 months is another example.
The corollary of this is not being willing to admit your part in the big issue. It’s not all you, but some of it is, and you don’t want to work on that. Maybe you like your part and won’t change it. So you work on other things where you’re willing to admit and work on your part. But that won’t fix the big issue.
Sometimes both spouses are unwilling to face their part of the big issue. So they have an unspoken agreement to play at fixing things by dealing with secondary issues.
When fear keeps us from dealing with the real issue or issues, we can’t heal our marriage.
~ This is Paul, and facing reality makes Doing Marriage Well possible.
We had a pair of eagles flying around a good part of the morning.
They eyed the rabbits and chickens, but the crisscrossed strings over the yards kept them away.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 30, 2025 | Not That
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4mbyqNC
Today, a couple of more reasons you may not know what problem you need to deal with to make your marriage better.
I mentioned expectations created by culture yesterday. A subset of that, which can be very difficult, is what our parents taught us about how husbands and wives are supposed to be. Of course, most of that teaching was not intentional; you picked it up by watching how they treated each other. And those lessons predate what you remember, which makes it difficult to see it clearly.
One variation of this is deciding you won’t do any of the things your parents did because they had a poor marriage. But that risks throwing the baby out with the bath water.
Another issue is how your past makes you look at things. If you were horribly betrayed in a past relationship, or have been betrayed by a number of people over the years, you may suspect your spouse when there is no reason to do so. If you think the problem is they are not trustworthy when they are, working on that issue will never make you feel safe. Instead, you need to work on your inability to trust. In this case, the problem is not a marriage issue, it’s a personal problem.
There are a number of ways folks misjudge their spouse because of their past. The misjudged spouse has little chance of changing their partner’s mind. It usually takes a third party to give that clarity. A mutual friend, an older couple, or a coach can help.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well requires seeing your spouse correctly.
The chicory is blooming. It seems to come out of nowhere every year the end of July.
The roots can be roasted and used as a coffee substitute.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 29, 2025 | Not That
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4fcIYKm
So why would someone upset about a problem in their marriage focus on a different problem, real or imagined, that has nothing to do with what bothers them?
One reason is not knowing what is bothering you. Your marriage isn’t right, and you know that. But you can’t figure out what’s wrong. So you attack various things that might be wrong to try to find the issue. Or perhaps you attack unrelated, smaller issues because at least it means you’re doing something.
Unfortunately, blind shooting rarely scores a hit on the target. Moving from issue to issue can wear you down and frustrate your spouse.
Another reason you may not know what the problem is, is because you have bought into the story your culture tells you about marriage. If you think your spouse is supposed to be a certain way, and they are not, that will become a marriage issue. But if what you expect is not who God called your spouse to be, the problem is not your spouse. So while you think you know what’s wrong, you are missing the truth.
Cultural expectations about men, women, and marriage can make a mess of your life and your relationship with your spouse. This is true even if your spouse agrees with your wrong expectation.
If you can’t find the issue that is making you unhappy about your marriage, a bit of coaching might help. Or maybe buddy up with an older couple who seem to have worked it out.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Got the turkey yard done. Because they can fly, we had to cover the top.
They were far less afraid than chickens, and moments after we opened the door they were out pecking at weeds and chasing bugs.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 28, 2025 | Not That
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4m8Ztcw
If your car failed to start, would you jump out and check the pressure in the tires? Would you scrub the windshield clean of every last speck? Or maybe vacuum the interior?
Obviously, none of these is going to fix whatever is keeping the car from starting, and no sane person would think any of those things would help.
But some folks do this very thing in their marriage; working on things that have no chance of changing a situation they dislike.
If your car wasn’t starting, and you saw the tires were low, then you would have identified a real issue. If the windshield was so messy you would have a hard time seeing the road, that too is an issue that needs to be addressed. But fixing those things won’t get your car running.
If we are upset about a specific marriage problem, we need to work on that problem. We could spend a lot of time and energy working on something that can’t change what is really bothering us. We feel we’re doing something. We might get upset our spouse won’t join us in working on the issue. It may or may not be something that needs work, but if it can’t fix what is really upsetting us, it’s a waste of time. And if you get upset at your spouse for not dealing with something that can’t fix what is bothering you, that’s unfair and probably confusing.
~ This is Paul, warning you that Doing Marriage Well takes clarity.
Silver lining?
We get gold!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 26, 2025 | Sex Problems
Podcast: https://bit.ly/40xxwTy
Porn is everywhere, and erotica makes it to the top of the New York Times bestseller list. We are awash in twisted versions of sexuality that have little or nothing to do with how real people want or have sex.
This is no longer a just male problem. The best estimates for Christians say 75% of men and 45% of women are regularly viewing porn. If we include erotic literature, the number of women moves well past fifty percent.
The reality of those numbers is there are plenty of church going couples where both are using sexually arousing media. While some do that together, which is bad, most are hiding it from each other, which is even worse.
Yes, all of this is contrary to what God wants from us, AKA sin. But most of the folks doing it know that, so that information alone is not dealing with the issue.
What worries me about this is how it erodes a couple’s marriage. Not their sex life, although it certainly does that; it damages their marriage. It creates a longing for someone different. It pulls the viewer or reader to an unreal type of person who does not, and usually could not, exist.
Watching others have sex, or reading about the same, is not just cheating sexually. It creates emotions for an unreal person, emotions you should only have for your spouse. It draws you away from your spouse and your marriage.
One of the big challenges with this is that much of the church ignore it. We deny how common it is, and act shocked or offended if someone confesses they struggle with it. So we keep our sin secret, which makes it far more difficult to get free. But there are solid resources for believers who want to get free.
For men, I suggest Be Broken. And for women, SheRecovery.com. I know the founders of both of these ministries, and feel they do a far better job than most.
Porn and erotica are enticing. Falling into its grasp is understandable. But allowing it to tear at your marriage is unacceptable. Fight back!
~ This is Paul, and porn is NOT Doing Sex Well.
We got beans!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jul 25, 2025 | Sex Problems
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3UBcC29
Sex need not end as we age. There are couples in their sixties and seventies still having regular sex. And many of these folks say they are having the best sex of their lives.
Menopause should not end sex. When it does, it usually means the woman had not been enjoying sex and was looking for an excuse to stop. Besides, there is a growing awareness that regular sex can reduce menopause symptoms. And we’ve heard from women who said sex was better after menopause.
Menopause can create some speed bumps. Hormone replacement therapy can make a big difference. Topical estrogen applied to the vulva can keep the tissues healthy and keep lubrication going. An artificial lubricant can also be used.
The secrets to great sex as we age are attitude and a willingness to make changes as needed.
Nighttime sex is not the best choice for older couples. His erections will be better in the morning, and they will both have better energy earlier in the day. I talked to one senior man who said he and his wife have sex after breakfast every morning. Other couples have found an afternoon nap may not involve sleep.
You may have to find a new position to accommodate mobility. Or perhaps what used to be seen as foreplay is now the main event. If hand strength is an issue, a vibrator, or a male stroker might be a great addition to your sex life. Some older couples have realised that sex need not include orgasm for either spouse to still be great sex. Other couples enjoy masturbating together.
Sex is not just for the young. Sex is for any couple who wants to enjoy the special intimacy that only sex can provide. If you both want to keep being sexual, you can find a way.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well looks different at different ages.
Our bag of mixed dahlia had a red. And I see buds for pink.
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