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Lack of desire and mismatches in sexual desire are probably the most common sexual complaints in marriages. One spouse has no interest, or has far less interest than the other. And so they argue. One is upset by the lack of sex, the other is tired of being pushed for sex.
I’ve avoided genders here because it’s far more common than most folks know for the “higher drive” spouse to be the wife. Experts suggest that may be the case in more than a quarter of marriages.
I’m going to suggest that a lack of desire isn’t really a problem. Or, at least, it shouldn’t be.
Sexual desire is great. That longing to be intimate, that pull to be sexual, is wonderful. It’s also unnecessary for a great sex life.
Sex is an amazing thing that gives us physical, emotional, mental, and relational pleasure. Even better, we get to share all that with the person we love most.
A sex drive invites us to experience all that pleasure, but we don’t have to feel an urge for sex to have it and enjoy it. We can choose to engage in sex because we know we will enjoy it once we start. If our spouse knows how to arouse us, their desire for sex is enough. If you know how to arouse each other, you don’t need any desire. You could just decide to have sex because you know you will both enjoy it. What could be more romantic than deciding to enjoy each other?
I think most of the arguing about sex is actually about control. We’ve been told we need to say no unless we’re also hot for sex. We’ve been warned about being “used”. We’ve even been told we are allowing ourselves to be abused if we don’t push back against our spouse’s desire to enjoy sex regularly. I think these are lies of the enemy intended to keep us frustrated and to hurt our marriages. And I hate that so many people accept those lies as wisdom.
I realise this will be seen as a radical idea. Personally I find it simple, logical, and biblical.
Of course, this won’t work if one of you is always tired or stressed. But that’s a life and marriage problem that has nothing to do with sex. It won’t work if your marriage is a mess, but that’s something you should be working on. And it won’t work if your spouse doesn’t know how to turn you on. But you can teach them that.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well might require a change of perspective.
BTW, if you are a higher drive wife, I highly recommend J Parker’s book The Higher Desire Wife: Understanding and Help for Christian Women Navigating Mismatched Sex Drives
Our (adopted) granddaughter joined Lori in the garden the other day.
She is all about the garden, and is learning to spread mulch.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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