by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 29, 2025 | Tools
Podcast: https://bit.ly/47jwnTK
So tools and sex. Everything I discussed this week applies to sexuality. Even an older mentor can be helpful, if you find someone who is able to talk openly about sex while respecting the privacy of both marriages. And of course, coaching, or other professional help can be a huge help for those really struggling.
But today I want to talk about the sex tools usually called toys. I’ve never liked the word toys for these items. Sure, they can be fun, but they can also be vital tools that make sex better, or even make sex possible. Perhaps seeing them as tools will make it easier to accept them.
So let me mention a few items that can really help your sex life:
Egg Vibrator: These can be corded or remote control. He can use it on her for foreplay or to bring her to orgasm. She can also use it on him. The best use it to place it between your bodies during face to face intercourse. This can result in a woman who can’t orgasm during intercourse doing so.
Penis Ring: These trap blood in the penis. If a man tends to get a bit soft during intercourse, this can prevent that. It may also make a man harder.
Lubricant: For various reasons, some women are occasionally or usually too dry for sex to be comfortable. Lubes are also great for manual sex on either of you.
Penis Sleeve: These can be used by the wife to manually stimulate her husband, making it much easier on her arms and perhaps more enjoyable for him.
By the way, all links go to Married Dance, a great sex tool website that doesn’t have pornographic images or descriptions.
~ This is Paul, and sometimes Doing Sex Well requires having the right tool
Lori got a picture of the bees enjoying our sunflowers.
They are getting better water this year, and are doing great!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Lori Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 28, 2025 | concept, Tools
Podcast: https://bit.ly/45zI5s4
In the time of Jesus, if you wanted to become an expert with a trade, you became an apprentice. An expert then taught you about the tools you would use, and the skills you would need.
This approach is a great way to learn the skills and tools required for a good marriage.
You want a couple with at least a decade of marriage, if possible. They should have a good marriage, and a marriage you would like to emulate for the most part. Don’t be shy. Find a couple you both think would be good, and ask them if they would be willing to spend time with you so you can learn from their experience and wisdom.
If you’ve been married a decade or more and have a good marriage, please reach out to younger couples. Your experience is all you need to make a big difference for most couples married just a couple of years.
If your situation is difficult, it may be time to get trained help. That could be pastoral counselling, a lay marriage ministry couple, a coach, or a therapist. As a marriage coach, I can tell you most couples wait too long to seek help. The sooner you seek help, the easier it will be.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Our turkeys got a visit from some distant relatives.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 27, 2025 | Tools
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3Jx5eTn
More tools and skills for a better marriage. These are about how we see and treat our spouse. Some of these require something from your spouse, but most people hit the minimum.
- Not Being Defensive: Being defensive means your guard is up. This denies your spouse the chance to relate to you meaningfully.
- Assumption of Good Will: Without this, your marriage is done, because if you don’t assume good will, you assume the worst. Assuming good will means you don’t think your spouse meant to hurt you, even when they do.
- Trust: Yes, trust is earned. But it’s also given. If you don’t give trust, it’s pretty difficult for your spouse to earn it.
- Benefit of the Doubt: This means you assume cluelessness rather than malice. It means thinking they don’t attach the same negative meaning to a word you do. And it means giving your spouse a chance to explain rather than just attacking them.
- Empathy: I know empathy has received some bad press recently, but Jesus was all about it, and Proverbs praises it over and over. Both brain structure and upbringing mean women are generally much better at empathy. But empathy is a skill, and you can increase it. I assure you, more empathy in your marriage can only make your marriage better.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Our patty pan squash is coming in, so we fried some up for dinner.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 26, 2025 | Tools
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4mTCMtc
Today, I want to briefly discuss some basic communication tools every spouse needs to know how to use.
If you can’t communicate well, your marriage is going to be a mess. Some of the tools you need here:
- Active listening is a way of paying attention and making sure what you hear is what is being communicated. Active Listening Exercises: What to Do and Not to Do is a great overview from Tacoma Christian Counseling
- Using I statements and discussing our feelings allow us to discuss problems without assigning blame. For example, saying “You hurt me” suggests the hurt was intentional. Saying “I was hurt” does not do that. The first is going to result in defensiveness, while the second is far more likely to bring compassion.
- Asking open-ended questions is far better than yes/no questions. Aside from possibly creating a false dichotomy, yes and no answers don’t draw the other person out. Asking “why” is a very good way to go.
- Learning to pay attention to non-verbal cues will improve your communication. If you can catch stress or resistance, you can try to lessen it, or deal with it before it derails your conversation.
- Knowing when to walk away is important. If either of you gets agitated, positive communication becomes unlikely, and saying ugly things you don’t mean become increasingly possible. It takes at least 20 minutes to get past adrenaline, so a half hour break is a great idea when things get heated.
- Limit yourself to a single topic for difficult discussions. And stick to the issue, don’t pile on what you see as many other examples of the same thing.
~ This is Paul, and learning good communication tools will help you Do Marriage Well.
The book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High is an excellent resource for better communication. It’s not specifically about marriage, but it applies well. It’s not Christian, but that is not an issue.
A part of today’s harvest
The cabbage is bigger than it looks, and the black berries are huge! (The large zucchini is for the chickens.)
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 25, 2025 | concept
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3HNwlJk
My son and his two partners build houses. They have a very large trailer full of tools, because what they do requires a variety of tools. In some cases, you can do a job with a different tool, but it will take more time and effort. If you’re doing that job at home, the extra time and effort may be better than buying an expensive tool you will never use again. But if you build homes for a living, time is money, and a $700 tool will quickly pay for itself.
Then we have the popular saying that when you’re a hammer, everything looks like a nail. When you only have one skill, you apply that to everything, even if it’s not the right skill or tool for the job.
Doing a job well requires having the right tools and skills. And this is as true for marriage as it for fixing or building a home. If you care about your marriage, you need to collect tools that will help you fix it when it’s broken, and make it better when it’s not broken. Using the wrong tool might be ineffective or frustrating. And it might make it worse.
As for cost, what is your marriage worth? What is being able to deal with problems quickly and easily worth? What is being able to make your marriage better worth?
The rest of this week we will look at some marriage tools.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well is far easier with the right tools.
Honey garlic salmon with green beans fresh from the garden.
My doctor approves of this meal!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 22, 2025 | No News
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3UFPP5y
The “no news is good news” fallacy is common in couple’s sex lives. And all the things I’ve mentioned this week being behind one spouse not speaking up even though something is a huge issue for them are in play.
- She stops telling him a certain sex act puts her off sex because he just keeps asking for it, and she decides he cares more about that sex act than he cares about her.
- He doesn’t ask for as much sex as he wants because he fears he is “oversexed” and asking too much.
- One person never mentions something they really desire because they fear their spouse will think it’s wrong and be offended.
- If they got a no to something ten years ago, they assume the answer would still be no today.
Years ago, Lori and I were working with a couple dealing with various issues. He told me privately that he really wanted to try rear entry intercourse with his wife. Penis in vagina from behind, not anal sex. But he knew she would see him as perverted for such a desire. When I shared this with my wife later, she said this man’s wife had expressed a similar interest, and the same fear. We clued them in, and they found a new favourite way to have sex.
As for wanting more sex, both husbands and wives can feel this way. Most eventually ask less often. This does not mean they now want less sex, it means they can’t handle the pain of being told no most of the time. They accept their spouse does not love them enough to met their desire, and this hurts their marriage.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Sex Well is usually the same things as Doing Marriage Well.
Widget is getting pretty good at catching a Frisbee in the air.
And it burns off a lot of puppy energy!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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