Podcast: https://bit.ly/4l7Jdro
Speaking of working on the wrong problem, this is very common when folks say their sex life is not working.
Because of our background, Lori and I get most of the couples who go to Aldrich Ministries looking for help with sex. And we find most of those folks have big issues that have nothing to do with sex. Those other issues are hurting their sex life, but the issues are not sexual, and working on sex won’t fix them.
Of course, part of this is about addressing the pain point. The husband or wife who is having a fraction of the sex they want feels that as sexual frustration. And the spouse who is tired of being badgered for sex all the time feels the frustration of that. If that pain is what gets an individual, or even better a couple, to seek help, that’s a good thing.
The majority of women, and no small number of men, need a good emotional relationship to want and enjoy regular sex. If a couple does not communicate, fights a lot, or their spouse doesn’t show love or appreciation, that limits how much sex many can stomach.
Jealousy, valid or not, is also a sex life killer. And this can include the use of porn or erotica. Selfishness can destroy a couple’s sex life. This shows up as refusing sex, or not caring about the needs or pleasure of the other. But selfishness usually shows up in other places too. It’s a marriage issue, not a sex problem.
Past sexual injuries are about sex, but not about the couple. These are often better addressed first with the injured spouse, and then, as needed, with both of them. When the issues are actually about sex, solutions are often fairly easy, if both spouses are on board.
If you think you have sexual problems, odds are you have non-sexual issues that are limiting or harming your sex life. When that is the case, sex coaching won’t fix your sex life or the underling issues.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Sex Well requires Doing Marriage Well.
Closest picture I’ve ever managed of deer – especially with two young fawns!
Two seconds after I took this, they were running away!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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