by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 21, 2025 | No News
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3HyRc36
Another cause of “no news” is mind reading. Or failed mind reading, as the case may be.
You want something, or you really need something in your marriage to change. But you don’t think your spouse will do what you want, so you don’t bother to communicate the desire. You figure you’re doing both of you a favour by avoiding a needless argument.
There are two problems with this. The first is most of us are horrible at mind reading. We may be projecting our fear onto our spouse. We may be thinking they are the person who rejected certain things in the past, when in fact they have grown and changed. Or we might be selling short their willingness to do things for us because they love us.
The other problem is our spouse never gets a chance to wrestle with whatever. Even if their first reaction had been no, they might have changed their mind after considering it, or hearing it from you a few more times.
Beyond that, if you don’t ask for things you assume they will reject, they have no idea how many things you need that you are not getting. They may tell themselves they are doing well, as they almost never say no to you. They feel no need to give you more because your failed mind reading has resulted in them not seeing your unmet needs.
Here is a truth you need to realise: If you didn’t ask, you have not been told no.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well never involves mind reading.
Propagating strawberries.
We are moving them to a new location, and this area will soon be turkey yard. So we are leaving the weeds for them.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 20, 2025 | No News
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4oQEf5x
Another “no news” reason we don’t tell our spouses about things that are not working for us is fear.
There are a couple forms of this. One is fear that our spouse will get upset by what we want. This could be based on past attempts to discuss the thing. It resulted in anger, yelling, or withdrawing. Unable to deal with that, we stopped talking about it. We still need the change, but we don’t share that to avoid a fight. This fear can also be second hand, a reaction from a parent or previous partner over the same thing. The risk of getting hurt again is too great, so we say nothing.
A second reason for not sharing what we feel we must have is fearing what we want is selfish or wrong. It’s not fair to expect it, much less ask for it, so we suffer in silence. If what we want is really wrong, then we need to deal with that. But it’s also possible we have believed lies and what we need is normal and right.
The real problem with all of this, is that keeping silent due to fear does not fix the situation. We still suffer. We feel unloved, untrusted, used, or even abused. Staying quiet out of fear doesn’t result in us giving our spouse a pass. We might try to do that, but the pain and emptiness remain, and we always go back to blaming our spouse.
If you don’t share the problems you have about your marriage with your spouse, they can’t do anything to resolve them. Your silence dooms your relationship to decline.
If you need to say something and don’t because of fear, it’s time to get help. You might start by asking a wise friend or a professional if what you want is right and fair. If that’s enough to get you to speak up, great. If you still fear anger or other negative actions, perhaps you need to share the concern with your spouse in front of a third party.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Seeing a lot of Oregon grapes this year.
They are very tart, and are usually mixed with sweeter fruit or made into wine.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 19, 2025 | No News
Podcast: https://bit.ly/418FOS3
A common cause of “no news” in marriage is the spouse who has stopped communicating. Not necessarily about everything, but certainly about their frustrations with their spouse and their marriage.
The most common reason for this is realising that what they say is being ignored. They have tried sharing it. They have tried getting upset. They may have yelled or made threats. And after doing that for years, nothing changed. There may have been promises that were never met. Or temporary changes that never lasted. But no real change.
And so, accepting that their spouse will never deal with the issue, they stop talking about it.
When your spouse stops talking about something they used to say was a problem, it doesn’t mean they have “gotten over it”. It doesn’t mean they have found a way to be okay with it. It means they realise they are wasting their energy. It means they think you don’t care enough about them to do what they need. The lack of news is not a good sign, it’s a major red flag.
If the individual thinks they can live with whatever their spouse has refused to address, they will make an effort to do so. If that fails, or the thing is too important to live with as it is, their love starts to die. This is when folks privately decide they will divorce when the kids are grown, or when they have a path to get out and set up their own life. Ironically, a marriage may seem better when a couple gets to this point. The fighting stops because one spouse has given up. But it’s a false peace.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well requires being aware.
Rosehips on the wild roses that grow here.
I’m told they make a great jam, but we’ve never tried it. Maybe this year.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 18, 2025 | No News
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4g0orJv
It has been said that “No news is good news”. In marriage, this is rarely the case. What spouses don’t know often hurts them, or their marriage. We’ve dealt with couples where no news for years was followed by “I want a divorce”.
People change all the time. Some change is slow, and we frequently miss the large cumulative effect that can have. Other changes seemingly come out of nowhere and leave us with whiplash. But most “sudden” changes are not so much sudden as not seen until they hit critical mass. Or ignored until there is an explosion.
All of this is why ongoing communication is the lifeblood of a marriage. Even if you got to really know each other early in your marriage, you have both been constantly changing since then. Without ongoing meaningful conversation about where you are now, you will gradually know each other less and less. At best, that will limit your marriage. At worse, it will endanger it.
The next few days I will talk about reasons couples don’t communicate. Today, I’d like you to ask yourself if you are keeping up with who your spouse is becoming. If not, what are you going to do about that?
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well requires knowing who your spouse is.
We made lo mein with freeze-dried cabbage, carrots, celery, and onion.
The cabbage and carrots came from our garden!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 15, 2025 | Being Heard
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4fHDdoa
Being heard about sex is a big deal. Sex is personal, and we only share it with our spouse, and when we don’t feel heard about sex, it hurts.
Because men and women are so different sexually, not feeling heard may be the norm. What’s more, if one spouse is uncomfortable talking about sex, they may never communicate that they don’t feel heard.
I could give a lot of examples, but I will just do one for each gender.
Earlier this week, I mentioned in passing men wanting their wife to initiate sex. Most men feel their wife either doesn’t do that, or doesn’t do it nearly often enough. Usually the husband has been very clear he wants this, and when his wife doesn’t do it, he questions her interest in sex, and her sexual desire for him. He may also feel unloved in general because of this.
Many women feel the words their husband uses for sex are a turn off. It’s also common to feel some of what he wants is cheesy or disrespectful. Perhaps hubby has not gotten her hints about these things, but she feels she has stated her feelings, and his continuing to do these things makes her feel unloved and possibly used.
If you don’t feel you can do what your spouse wants, please make sure they know you have heard them. Try to understand the why behind what they want, and look for a way to give them the heart of what they desire.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Sex Well looks different for every couple.
The turkeys checking the hill for bugs
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Aug 14, 2025 | Being Heard
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4mbhBml
On Tuesday, I mentioned knowing the why behind your spouse’s words and desires. Why is a huge marriage issue, and I will probably do a week about it sometime.
Knowing why your spouse wants or feels they need something can change things substantially. For example, a wife felt untrusted because her husband wanted to be able to track her phone. When she learned he worries about her, and feels better knowing he can find her if she drives off the road in a snow storm, she felt loved and cared for.
The difficulty is why is not always easy to know. Often we have no idea why we feel strongly about something; we just do! Why often goes back to when we were children, possible before we have conscious memories. The women who felt untrusted by her husband wanting to track her may have defaulted to that because her parents didn’t trust her when she was doing everything right. The husband who felt a need to know where his wife is may have lost someone in an accident. Or he might have been lost himself for what seemed a very long time as a young child.
If you can’t explain why something matters to you, be honest about that. Do try to express how strong the need is. You can also share reasons you don’t feel as you do. Something like “It’s not because I distrust you” or “I don’t feel you are controlling” for example.
If your spouse can’t give you a why, be understanding of that. Good questions might help them figure it out, but don’t push if they get frustrated.
~ This is Paul, and knowing why makes it easier to Do Marriage Well.
My tape measure doesn’t have “elephant’s eye” on it, but the corn is getting tall.
We should be eating the first planting in a week or so. Yes, that’s a turkey in the background, upper left. I’ll get a better picture of them soon.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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