by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 30, 2025 | Put Up
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4pLd4t1
If you put up with behaviour from your spouse that you don’t like, why? Understanding why you put up with things makes it possible for you to do what’s necessary to bring about a change. If you don’t deal with the why, you won’t be able to hold to your efforts to get change.
To stop living with bad habits, you first need to understand why you tolerate them. So, some common reasons we put up with things we don’t like:
- Fear is a big one. If we complain, will our spouse get upset? Will we drive them off?
- You were taught to be “nice”. This is far more common for women, but some men fall into it as well.
- You thought it would be okay. Some of the things that drive a spouse crazy seemed cute or no big deal when the couple married.
- It’s not worth the fight. Or at least it didn’t seem that way a decade ago.
- They put up with my stuff. Some couples have a silent agreement: you put up with what I do that you don’t like, and I’ll put up with what you do that I don’t like.
- And then there’s rationalisation: It shouldn’t bother me, or it wouldn’t bother others.
None of these makes it okay. If something your spouse does really bothers you, that’s not good for your marriage. It creates annoyance that limits and hurts your relationship.
You deserve to have peace in your marriage. Depending on the actual behaviour, there may need to be some give and take, but just living with it is not a good thing for your marriage, as resentment or emotional distance can build.
~ This is Paul, and enjoying being with your spouse make it far easier to Do Marriage Well.
Lori got the blackberries cleaned up and tied up.
We got a gallon or so this year. Next year will be way better!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 29, 2025 | Put Up
Podcast: https://bit.ly/48FVDEf
Lori and I often tell couples, “What you put up with, you live with.” This is true for most areas of life. If you put up with bad behaviour from your boss, your child, or your dog, the behaviour will continue. Likewise for things that annoy or frustrate you, including inanimate objects like that cabinet door that keeps popping open.
While this seems simple, it’s actually a rather complex issue.
In marriage, this truth hits hard when small annoyances pile up over years. There are a number of things about your spouse you might have put up with that seemed okay at first. But after a decade or three, those things are wearing thin. I want you to think through this, so I will give a list to get you started.
Some things you may be putting up with:
- Sarcasm
- Tardiness
- Messiness
- Bad hygiene
- Procrastination
- An annoying habit
- Being interrupted or talked over
- Being teased. This would include a less than kind nickname.
- Certain words. It could be cuss words, or a word your spouse uses ALL.THE.TIME.
Have you been putting up with any of these, or something else? Would like to stop living with it? Hang around for some ideas on dealing with this.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
We’ve been harvesting carrots.
What you get from the store is not the only shapes that come out of the ground!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 26, 2025 | Influence
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3KFKhpH
What influences your sexuality? Maybe I should ask what hasn’t influenced it.
Sex is a powerful drive. And before we develop a sex drive, we are very curious about sex. That makes us sponges looking to soak up information about sex. In a world awash with sex, every child is exposed to things that shape and twist their sexuality.
Porn is obviously a big influence. Today, most boys see porn before puberty, and that is becoming increasingly common for girls. But even 50 years ago, many boys saw porn by the age of 13. At such young ages, we are nearby blank slates; so porn doesn’t change our sexuality, it shapes it.
For girls, romance novels have traditionally been a bigger influence. And they are nearly as distorted as porn, creating desires and expectations that no real man can meet.
Beyond this, we are shaped by what our parents said about sex. Or didn’t say. Or how they looked when sex was mentioned. If your mother didn’t like sex, that was transmitted to you. It can make girls fear sex, or see it as just for guys. It can make boys see their God given sexuality as selfish and destructive. If your father was sexually frustrated, that effected you. It can make girls feel, sex is how you please a guy. It can make boys feel they must push for sex, even when they are told no. Lori and I have seen all of these in couples we’ve worked with.
Then there’s society, which gives us a strange mix of messages about sex, with most of it not being in line with what God says. We are told everyone is doing it. We are told you have to have multiple partners to learn about sex. And we are told no one person can meet our sexual desires, even if we are married.
The church, which should be giving us God’s truth about sex, has traditionally failed to do that. For the most part, the church leaves children seeing all sex as dirty and wrong. It is a necessary evil to make babies, or to keep hubby at home, but it’s not good, and it should be limited.
Long before you met your spouse, these various things twisted your sexuality into something God never intended it to be. No one escapes this, and a blessed few get by with only minor damage.
How was your sexuality twisted? How has that influenced your sexuality to this day? Is that hurting your marriage? Do you want to change, to be set free to enter into what God intended married sex to be? If you do, start by having some very open talks with your spouse. Use questions such as “What messages about sex did you receive growing up?” or “How do you think childhood influences affect our sex life today?”
If you want help, Lori and I can provide that.
~ This is Paul, and God intended sex to be a wonderful part of doing Marriage Well.
The timing belt broke on our car yesterday.
Why couldn’t it have gone another 1,517 miles before it died? Oh well.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 25, 2025 | Influence
Podcast: https://bit.ly/46DD3Kg
How much influence does your spouse have over you? If it’s not significant, something is wrong. Likewise for your influence over them.
When I say influence, I don’t just mean that you can make each other do things. Much of it is far more subtle than that. When you’re having a good day, your spouse should feel better about life. And when they’re having a bad day, it will tend to drag you down. You can bless your spouse like no other. You can also hurt them like no other.
This influence cuts both ways, and unchecked negativity can harm your marriage. When you’re married, your moods are not your own. When you’re grumpy, it hurts your spouse, even if you don’t grump at them. Likewise for anger, anxiety, and depression.
Everyone has down moments. We should do our best to keep those from influencing others. If you often struggle with negative feelings, that’s a marriage issue. You are no longer your own, you are now part of we. And that comes with responsibilities. That should make you all the more driven to deal with such things. If you can’t do it on your own, get help.
Like it or not, you influence your spouse. Use that power for good!
~ This is Paul, and influence is a double-edged sword.
Saw this at the local grocery store.
No idea how it tastes, but I love the name!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 24, 2025 | Influence
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4nQY2QZ
Hopefully, church and other Christians are among the greatest influences in your life and marriage. Regularly attending church together is good for your marriage. A long-running Harvard study showed 50% less divorce for such couples. Other studies have revealed higher marital happiness and satisfaction. Still other studies find church going couples report higher sexual satisfaction and greater sexual frequency.
Attending a good church is one of the best marriage choices you will ever make.
Please note, I said a good church. For me, that means a Bible believing group that is very pro-marriage.
I have seen churches hurt couples. It’s not the norm, but not as rare as it should be. The harm might be from not supporting marriages well, or not being willing to call out clearly sinful behaviour that harms marriages. Or it might be wrong doctrine that directly harms the couple. I’ve also seen marriages suffer because a church demands expects too much from people. When your service to your church hurts your marriage, something is wrong.
The same things apply to Christian friends. They can help or harm your marriage. If someone is always down on their spouse, that’s a bad sign for their marriage, and it’s going to negatively influence how you feel about your husband or wife. OTOH, hanging with friends who are all about their spouse is good for your marriage.
On the whole, the influence of the Church on marriages is good. But don’t turn off your discernment just because a person or a building wears a cross.
~ This is Paul, and a good church makes Doing Marriage Well much easier.
She’s in your chair, dad… can I eat her?
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 23, 2025 | Influence
Podcast: https://bit.ly/48tUwr6
The idea that we are to be in the world but not of the world is not found in so many words in Scripture. But several verses suggest this dichotomy.
We are called to be a witness to the world. We can’t do this if we separate from the world. What’s more, to speak to those of the world, we must have some understanding of their reality. But we need to do this without adopting the beliefs of the world.
These worldly influences distort how we approach marriage, promoting lies that undermine lasting relationships. I will focus on how the world influences our thinking on marriage today, and cover sexuality on Friday.
A few marriage lies:
- All you need is love: It would be nice if this were true, but it’s not. You can love someone and be so selfish they come to hate you. Love does not eliminate immaturity, and love that is not played out in actions is empty. I’ve seen marriages based on nothing more than love, and most of them crater and burn.
- Divorce is no big deal: Divorce hurts. Even when it’s because of ongoing adultery or abuse, it hurts. Lori and I have dealt with divorced men and women, and we’ve heard the hurt. Studies find high rates of depressive symptoms after divorce. Both men and women suffer in this way, and it’s more common and more severe for men.
- Children are resilient: This is offered up by parents looking to ditch their spouse. They want to believe the divorce won’t harm their children. In truth, there is a long list of things far more common for children of divorce. The list includes lower grades, higher rates of drug and alcohol use, earlier sex, more sexual partners, lower rates of marriage, and higher divorce rates. Divorce harms children for life.
The world is full of assurances that make us feel better about our selfishness and sins. But these feel good ideas don’t protect us from the very real consequences of our actions.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well is easier when you follow God.
Lori and I have always liked Patty Pan summer squash, but I’ve come up with a new way of preparing them that is awesome.
Fried in butter with garlic salt and pepper, and then topped with a bit of fleshy grated Parmesan cheese. YUMMY!
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