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Today is the intersection of sex and fear. Sadly, there’s a long list of possible topics for this. I will go with the biggie: sexual abuse prior to marriage.
This is not just a “her” problem. We recently talked to friends who have been trying to help a couple whose 30 year marriage has been essentially sexless because his mother molested him.
It’s difficult to get accurate data on this. If we take a very conservative approach to the numbers, a third of 20-year-old women, and a quarter of men that age have experienced sexual assault involving physical contact. And at least two thirds of women have been victims of sexual harassment of some sort.
If you were molested and have not dealt with it, both your sex life and your marriage are being harmed by what happened. The good news is you can get freedom. Doing so will require help, and for most it will require professional help. My suggestion is story work. Lori and I don’t do that, but there are good men and women at Aldrich Ministries who do. Therapy is another way to go. Do be sure you get a Christian therapist.
Dealing with sexual abuse is not a sex issue. But it certainly creates sex issues. I want to explain a bit about that and offer some simple things that may help while you get healing.
The sexual problems that come from abuse are often situational. A personal example:
Lori and I had been married a few years. We had hit bottom with the fall-out from her being abused and raped, and it was getting better. I had showered, and she was on the bed reading. I walked out to talk to her as I dried off. This put my genitals at the level of her face, and a couple of feet away. She freaked out. She had seen my genitals plenty of times, and been closer to them, but this placement tapped into her abuse. We both understood what was happening; I covered up and helped her calm down.
I share this to show how specific triggers can be. Sex might be just fine in a dozen positions, but cause terror in one position. If the molestation happened in the dark, making love in the light might be required. But if the molestation happened with the lights on, having sex in the dark might be the only way for it to be okay. You can be triggered by, words, smells, locations, or items, including clothing.
If you can identify a trigger, you can work to avoid it. If you were molested in your bedroom, have sex on the living room couch. If you can’t secure privacy there, make a pallet on the bedroom floor and see if that is better. Or shower together and have sex there. Avoid the sex acts involved in the molesting, even if this includes something your spouse really enjoys.
Beyond this, try to find some way to pleasure your spouse when you can’t cope with full sex. That might mean hugging them, in the dark, as they masturbate. Being involved in even this limited way is better for them, and your marriage, than doing nothing.
All of this should be seen as temporary workarounds. The goal is to deal with the past so you can leave it in the past and have a better future. I watched Lori do that, and have watched or heard about many others doing it. You can do it too.
~ This is Paul, and past sexual abuse can make Doing Sex Well tricky.
Got a nice shot of the moon the other night.
Only a bit of smoke in the sky.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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