Podcast: https://bit.ly/3KFKhpH
What influences your sexuality? Maybe I should ask what hasn’t influenced it.
Sex is a powerful drive. And before we develop a sex drive, we are very curious about sex. That makes us sponges looking to soak up information about sex. In a world awash with sex, every child is exposed to things that shape and twist their sexuality.
Porn is obviously a big influence. Today, most boys see porn before puberty, and that is becoming increasingly common for girls. But even 50 years ago, many boys saw porn by the age of 13. At such young ages, we are nearby blank slates; so porn doesn’t change our sexuality, it shapes it.
For girls, romance novels have traditionally been a bigger influence. And they are nearly as distorted as porn, creating desires and expectations that no real man can meet.
Beyond this, we are shaped by what our parents said about sex. Or didn’t say. Or how they looked when sex was mentioned. If your mother didn’t like sex, that was transmitted to you. It can make girls fear sex, or see it as just for guys. It can make boys see their God given sexuality as selfish and destructive. If your father was sexually frustrated, that effected you. It can make girls feel, sex is how you please a guy. It can make boys feel they must push for sex, even when they are told no. Lori and I have seen all of these in couples we’ve worked with.
Then there’s society, which gives us a strange mix of messages about sex, with most of it not being in line with what God says. We are told everyone is doing it. We are told you have to have multiple partners to learn about sex. And we are told no one person can meet our sexual desires, even if we are married.
The church, which should be giving us God’s truth about sex, has traditionally failed to do that. For the most part, the church leaves children seeing all sex as dirty and wrong. It is a necessary evil to make babies, or to keep hubby at home, but it’s not good, and it should be limited.
Long before you met your spouse, these various things twisted your sexuality into something God never intended it to be. No one escapes this, and a blessed few get by with only minor damage.
How was your sexuality twisted? How has that influenced your sexuality to this day? Is that hurting your marriage? Do you want to change, to be set free to enter into what God intended married sex to be? If you do, start by having some very open talks with your spouse. Use questions such as “What messages about sex did you receive growing up?” or “How do you think childhood influences affect our sex life today?”
If you want help, Lori and I can provide that.
~ This is Paul, and God intended sex to be a wonderful part of doing Marriage Well.
The timing belt broke on our car yesterday.
Why couldn’t it have gone another 1,517 miles before it died? Oh well.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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Timing belts are an object lesson in “money spent on skilled labor is never wasted on something that requires trained and experienced labor.”
As I got the spirit of what you’ve written the thought occurred to me: skilled story work with a biblical worldview might be the best way if not the only way to deal with the effects of romance novels or pornography on God’s design for marriage.
As I line up the two ideas, I noticed that like timing belts, trying to run an engine or marriage with a critical part out of time can be expensively damaging.
If I’m going to hold marriage in honor, then I’m going to take this seriously rather than just “go with it.”
The most critical thing here is my testimony in light of the Life and Significance of Jesus Christ.
@Joshua – Good points. The belt in question has only 20,000 miles on it, so there is some additional problem. I suspect oil leaking onto it. But given the total mileage, I think I have reached “good money after bad”