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If you put up with behaviour from your spouse that you don’t like, why? Understanding why you put up with things makes it possible for you to do what’s necessary to bring about a change. If you don’t deal with the why, you won’t be able to hold to your efforts to get change.
To stop living with bad habits, you first need to understand why you tolerate them. So, some common reasons we put up with things we don’t like:
- Fear is a big one. If we complain, will our spouse get upset? Will we drive them off?
- You were taught to be “nice”. This is far more common for women, but some men fall into it as well.
- You thought it would be okay. Some of the things that drive a spouse crazy seemed cute or no big deal when the couple married.
- It’s not worth the fight. Or at least it didn’t seem that way a decade ago.
- They put up with my stuff. Some couples have a silent agreement: you put up with what I do that you don’t like, and I’ll put up with what you do that I don’t like.
- And then there’s rationalisation: It shouldn’t bother me, or it wouldn’t bother others.
None of these makes it okay. If something your spouse does really bothers you, that’s not good for your marriage. It creates annoyance that limits and hurts your relationship.
You deserve to have peace in your marriage. Depending on the actual behaviour, there may need to be some give and take, but just living with it is not a good thing for your marriage, as resentment or emotional distance can build.
~ This is Paul, and enjoying being with your spouse make it far easier to Do Marriage Well.
Lori got the blackberries cleaned up and tied up.
We got a gallon or so this year. Next year will be way better!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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Annoyance is a feeling, and is frequently quite irrational. I can be annoyed by all sorts of little things. Complaining about everything that annoys me would not be practical, and would be unfair to the innocent perpetrators.
A loving spouse will look to minimize annoyances, but I think it is up to the annoyed person to take responsibility for being annoyed.
@Bert – Interesting perspective.
I do think there are limits to that. A rock in your shoe is annoying, and you can deal with the emotions of that. But it will still make a sore spot if not removed. And sometimes you can’t stop it, you need your spouse to do that.
The image for this post if one of my wife’s things. Mouth smacking effects so strongly she has a physical response.
Ha, ha, I was raised with a very firm “Chew with your mouth closed!” rule, and we raised our kids that way too. Yet the world around me is full of people to whom this idea clearly has never occurred. I can’t do anything about that, so I live with annoyance.
Fortunately my wife is not one of those people, or things would be difficult indeed for me. I guess you have a point that some things are so bothersome (even if completely irrationally so) that you’d have to find a way talk about them.