by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 22, 2025 | Influence
Podcast: https://bit.ly/47TkCUn
Influence.
We all seek to have it. And we’re all effected by the influence others have.
As a follower of Jesus, we should be influenced by the Bible and other believers seeking to follow the truth of the Bible. But even if we manage to not be of the world, we are in it. And we are influenced by the world around us. The first step to limiting this is to admit it’s true.
Motivational speaker Jim Rohn says, “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.” That may be a bit strong, but we are greatly influenced by the folks with whom we spend a lot of time. This idea is why it’s so important to spend time with others who follow Jesus. If we want His values in our life, we must cultivate friendships with like-minded people.
As the Bible puts it:
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. ~ Hebrews 10:24-25 NIV
Another way our friends influence us is our marriage. A Pew Research study found that people were 75% more likely to get divorced if a friend or close family member divorced. Even divorce by the friend of a friend increased the risk of divorce by 33%. Granted, this is an average, but it shows the danger.
Again, the solution is to cultivate friendships with those who are living what we want in our lives. Hang with folks who openly love their spouse. If your circle of close friends included a number of divorced individuals, that is putting negative pressure on your marriage. I’m not telling you to kick friends to the curb, but consider how your friends are influencing you and make wise decisions.
BTW, if you or your spouse prefer to hang with divorced friends, that’s a red flag.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well is bigger than you and your spouse.
Some folks brought their dogs to the coffee shop.
Widget would love to do this, but she doesn’t have the self-control for it yet.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 19, 2025 | See Me!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3K9dNnI
Our sexuality is a powerful and deeply personal thing. This means the desire to be seen and acknowledged sexually can be very strong. It is behind some sexual sin, and a contributing factor to much more. It also leads to some poor choices and bad behaviour in marriages.
Let’s start by realising our sexuality was created by God. Misusing it is wrong, but desiring to express it and have it acknowledged is not. That means part of the answer to sexual issues, caused by wishing to be seen, is to find a proper way to see and acknowledge both the desire and what lies behind it.
Flirting outside marriage is often an attempt to be seen and acknowledged. It comes from a need to prove we are desirable. This is why some folks flirt all the time but never do anything more; the attention is enough. Of course, it’s an inappropriate and dangerous game.
Husbands and wives who are often told no when they seek sex feel this important part of who they are is being denied. This is why it hurts so much.
But there is far more to it than being told no. It’s not just having sex. We want to be seen and appreciated sexually. Our spouse just going through the motions doesn’t make us feel seen. We want our spouse to be eager and engaged, as that acknowledges our sexually.
There is also a desire to know we’re good lovers. We want to be thanked for what we do sexually for our spouse. We want to hear when it’s especially good.
What can make all of this difficult is wrong teaching that makes it difficult for us to talk about sex, or admit to enjoying it. We do see and appreciate our spouse’s sexuality, but we are unable to express that.
Don’t be shy, speak up!
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well can be very healing.
The well that feeds our pond via a solar-powered pump is getting low, but it’s not dry yet!
Good thing; Widget sure loves the pond!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 18, 2025 | See Me!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3W0QA9L
How much attention should you get from your spouse. Or them from you?
We live in a society that doesn’t value marriage. I recall friends who told Lori and me that we spent too much time together. What made this sadly funny was we had a much happier marriage than they had. Maybe that “too much time” we spent together had something to do with it.
This is one of those places where “normal” is far from what is good, sufficient, or right with God. If your marriage is a priority, then your spouse should get more of your time and attention than what is normal. Way more.
Now for a radical idea. If you feel you need more of your spouse’s attention, ask for it. Don’t be coy, don’t hint; tell them in no uncertain terms you’re not getting enough attention from them, and it hurts.
If you don’t feel a lack of attention, then your next move is to ask your spouse if they want more of your attention. Of course, you shouldn’t ask this if you’re not ready to do what it would take to give them more attention if they ask for it.
If you give each other the attention you should, you will probably get some odd looks and/or comments. You will also develop an extraordinary marriage. I think it’s a fair trade-off.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Speaking of pumpkins, one of our sugar pie is ripe!
The dark green left of the pumpkin is an acorn squash, also looking ripe.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 17, 2025 | See Me!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3VkYcnq
Yesterday I asked if you ever try to get attention from your spouse with negative behaviour. Today, let’s talk about being on the receiving end of negative attention seeking.
If your spouse is doing this, the odds are high you brought it on by failing to give them as much attention as they want. So they have turned to yelling, drama, or conflict. If that doesn’t get the desired attention, they may turn to treating you badly in public, or flirting with others. Or worse.
Don’t reject this as blaming the victim. What I’m suggesting is that your spouse is the victim, and has chosen a bad way of dealing with that. Getting attention in negative ways is not a habit you want to encourage by giving attention to stop the bad behaviour. The solution is to give your spouse the attention they need. Not in response to negative things, but in general.
If you find yourself in this situation, it probably means you think our spouse doesn’t need as much attention as they feel they need. Are you too busy to give them what they need? Are you punishing them for something? Or have you just stopped caring for them as you once did? Understanding why you’re not giving them enough attention will help you make the changes necessary to fix the issue.
If you think your spouse expects more attention than they deserve from you, your marriage has a big problem. I’d suggest you get help before it’s too late. It might be you, and it might be them, but it’s an issue that will do great harm to your marriage.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well requires paying attention to your spouse.
You know you’re in a rural town when:
I was getting coffee at the grocery store in Deer Park when someone came over the loudspeaker and said, “Diane, your pumpkins are here.” I heard cheers from both employees and patrons. It took five guys with a lift gate and a palette jack an hour to unload them. And more than a few were sold during that time.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 16, 2025 | See Me!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3KbkVjn
Yesterday I mentioned the need to be acknowledged, respected, and valued. But I may have misspoken. Being respected and valued are nice, but the real need is to be seen and acknowledged. And for most people, being seen in a negative light is better than not being seen.
When I was a youth camp counsellor decades ago, I had a 13-year-old girl tell me she broke things at home because it got her mother’s attention. She found being punished better than being ignored. I was surprised she was so aware of what she was doing and why. I was also saddened her mother had no time for her unless she caused trouble. The next year, she told a female counsellor she thought she might be pregnant.
Most folks who do annoying, harmful, or destructive things to get attention are not as self-aware as that 13-year-old girl. Negative behaviour to get attention is all too common in marriages. I’ve seen it many times, and if I’m brutally honest, I’ve fought doing it myself. And I have not always won that battle.
I encourage you to examine yourself carefully to see if you ever use negative actions or words to get attention. It could be as simple as tone of voice, word choice, or sarcasm. It might be excessive complaining about little things, or taking forever to do what you promised to do. It could be making noise, not putting things away, not doing things you used to do, or ignoring your spouse’s clearly evident desires.
If you see any hint of this in yourself, please fight it. Negative actions may get your spouse’s attention, but it will do so at the cost of the health of your marriage. It’s a destructive habit that has no place in a mature marriage.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well requires being honest with ourselves.
We have convinced Widget that the cat is out of bounds when she is on her bed. So Tilly has reclaimed her rightful place between our computers.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Sep 15, 2025 | concept
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4mmu46f
This week, I’m going to rant about something I’ve been growing more and more aware of. And I will start with a confession.
As background, Lori and I have had a couple of rough weeks. We are dealing with two separate, difficult external situations. It’s taken a good deal of our time, but more than that it’s been emotionally draining.
On Saturday, Lori and I got into an argument about something small and stupid. It happened because we were both beat down and empty emotionally. But that is why it happened, it’s not an excuse.
As I washed dishes, much too loudly, I thought about what had happened. I worked to push past thoughts about how wrong and unfair Lori had been. I dug into my actions and motivations. I realised I had told her about something I’d done expecting her to thank me. No, not expecting. Because of my hurt, I NEEDED her to thank me. But because of her hurt she didn’t even understand what I was saying, must less grasp the need behind it.
And so, dishes done, I swallowed my pride and told her I was sorry, explaining what I had wanted. She also apologised, and we move on a bit less wounded.
What I realised is I was desperate to be acknowledged. In general, I get a good deal of acknowledgment from my wife. Because of what we’d been through, I was feeling more needy than usual, and she was less able to give. It was a perfect storm. Fortunately, God has taught us how to weather such storms and recover well. What might have taken days to resolve in the past took minutes.
What I want to examine this week is the human need to be acknowledged, respected, and valued. It drives us in powerful ways, both good and bad.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well is way easier with God!
More rogue cows!
Our pond attracts them, the dogs invite them to go away. It took three days for the owner to get them out of the woods.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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