by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 31, 2025 | Motivation
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3X2jZRx
What motivates you sexually?
It’s not as simple as what motivates you to have sex. There are also things that motivate us to not have sex. It has been described as a car with both a gas pedal and a brake pedal. When something presses the gas, you want sex. When something presses the brake, you don’t want sex.
Today I want to address the more important pedal: the brake. Next week, I’ll talk about the gas.
You may think I’m wrong in saying the brake is the more important pedal. But if the brake is down hard, pushing the accelerator to the floor won’t get you moving. Do that long enough, and you will damage the transmission or overheat the engine. Without the brake on, even a bit of gas will get you rolling.
The brake can affect desire, willingness, arousal, and/or orgasm. Often one or more of those works, while one or more of the others is stuck. This leads to various outcomes, but all are frustrating and place limits on a couple’s sex life
Occasionally there are physical problems that act as a brake to our sex life. But the majority of brake issues are mental.
- Purity culture is a massive brake. It’s intended to keep your sex life in park until you marry, but all too often is keeps limiting sex well after the wedding. This is more common and more extreme for women, but I’ve worked with several men who were struggling because of the purity message they got as a teen.
- Guilt is another brake. This can be guilt about someone you had sex with before you met your spouse. Or it might be sex you had with your spouse before you were married. Others have guilt from porn use.
- Fear is another one. Past abuse can bring on fear that cripples a couple’s sex life. Both men and women can bring this into the marriage bed. Women may be afraid of being used, or of “enjoying sex too much”. Men may be afraid they are expecting too much of their wife sexually. Fear of pregnancy can also be an issue. And, if a couple doesn’t have good privacy, fear of being walk in on or being heard can lock up the wheels of sex.
- Body image and shame are another brake. This can be about one’s body in general, or specifically about sexual body parts. Sometimes it’s shame about just having sexual body parts. We worked with a fellow who had not seen his wife’s breasts in many years, as her shame about them meant she lived in a sports bra.
- Then there’s confusion. This can be from a lack of sex education, or from getting bad information or wrong ideas about sex. Porn is a big one here, as more and more folks go into marriage having consumed a lot of porn that is not at all like real sex.
If your sex life is stuck, the issue is probably the brake. Sex brakes CAN be released. Identify the issue and try to release it. If you can’t do that alone, get help.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well may take work.
Play hard, sleep hard. Repeat.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 30, 2025 | Motivation
Podcast: https://bit.ly/47miJ0g
The Bible warns us about the fear of men. This fear results in us being enslaved to the opinions of others. We are warned about this fear in Proverbs:
The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe. ~ Proverbs 29:25 ESV
Worrying too much about the opinions of others is very much a trap. It pulls us away from doing what God has called us to do. What’s more, it can be exhausting trying to satisfy others. And, if some of those you care about have different expectations from others you care about, what then? You can’t make everyone happy!
The whole “Keeping up with the Jones” thing is about fearing the opinions of others. We buy a new car we can’t afford when our current car is fine because we want to keep up appearances. Or we buy a house we can’t afford for the same reason. And the result is more fear, as we worry about making the payments.
Fear of others’ opinions gets us into all kinds of trouble if we choose to go along with the crowd. We join the guys for drinks after work, rather than going home to a wife desperate for time with us. Or a woman lets her girlfriends take her somewhere morally questionable so she won’t be seen as uptight. We do the same with entertainment, feeling we need to watch the same movies or read the same books as our friends or co-workers. Remember Fifty Shades?
Fear may cause us to not speak up when we hear something we know is wrong. Such as a group of women badmouthing their husbands. Or we might even join in when “the guys” make crass sexual comments about women.
The fear of man can show up at church too. It can be difficult when a wrong teaching or twisted understanding of scripture is advocated by a group we’re part of. Standing against the crowd is difficult if you fear how the crowd will react.
Ultimately the issue is this: Do we stand with the truth of God even if it puts us at odds with people? Will we follow God even if it costs us friends? Do we put our spouse ahead of our friends and what others think?
~ This is Paul, and following the group may not be Doing Marriage Well.
Due to cold and rain, Tilly is spending a lot of time inside, and is getting bored.
A bored Tilly is never a good thing!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 29, 2025 | Motivation
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3X6BWhL
As I have already mentioned in passing, fear is a common motivator. It’s a very powerful motivation, but often not a helpful one. If it keeps you from doing something that would hurt or kill you, that’s great. But frequently that’s not the case. Fear affects your marriage by causing you to withdraw or become controlling.
Often when fear is a problem, the fear is not rooted in current reality. It might come from our past, when we were abused, bullied, or not given things we needed. We can also be fearful because of all the bad things going on around us in the world; things over which we have no control. Both of these can result in ongoing fear which we can’t resolve.
If your fear is from the past, I suggest you get help to deal with it. Story work can help, as will therapy. If you realise, in the moment, that you’re feeling past based fear, telling yourself “That was then, this is now” may help. This is particularly helpful when you react to your spouse as if they were someone who hurt you.
If you’re fearful because you see an endless parade of bad things in the news, reducing the amount of news you view is a good idea. I’m not saying you should tap out and ignore the world, just proposing you limit how much you consume. One of the dangers of social media is that it runs algorithms that give you more of what you watch. This can be a trap, showing you an endless parade of what causes you fear.
Of course, none of this is new. Two millennia ago, another Paul nailed it:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. ~ Philippines 4:6-8 ESV
When we seek God in prayer, He gives us peace. We are to add to this by focusing on good things. The news is driven by “If it bleeds, it leads” so it’s not pure, honourable, or lovely. So balance the news with stories about good things. Something like The Good News Network or Uplifting Stories from the BBC can help. I’m not personally big on cute cat videos, but they can be fun. Or swap doom-scrolling for a YouTube nature video.
Fear can save our lives. Fear can also ruin our lives. And fear can certainly destroy a marriage. If fear is out of control in your life, please get help.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well is difficult when you’re afraid.
I was harvesting the last of our 800 pounds (363 kg) of potatoes when I heard cheeping. I turned around to see a hen with a lot of chicks pecking away in the garden near me.
One of our hens had built a nest in the tall weeds at the far end of the chicken moat and hatched out a dozen chicks. How she got into the garden I don’t know. We will be well below freezing tonight, with cold, rain, and maybe snow the rest of the week. We got them into a protected area with straw, food, and water. When they are feathered out, we will move them in with the turkeys.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 28, 2025 | Motivation
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3WZUBMe
Motivation.
If we follow Jesus, our motivation should come from Him. Those who do this very well are amazing people who do incredible things. They may or may not been seen and praised by those around them. The teacher who lives out their faith at school can have a huge impact on students, perhaps even saving the life of a few. But they will never be properly honoured for their actions. The missionary who leads hundreds to the Lord will be known by only a few. And the spouse who loves sacrificially to create a marriage that blesses them, their spouse, and their children will not be written up in the paper.
None of these folks are motivated by praise or fame. They do what they do because they see it as the right thing to do. And their faith in the Lord helps them stand fast when it’s tough.
Of course, it’s not as easy as we’d like to be motivated first and foremost by God’s truth and His Word. After a great retreat, a powerful worship service, or a stirring message, it feels easy. But then life comes along and kicks us in the teeth. We get confronted by fear and worry. We remember all our bills and responsibilities. We get weighed down by the horrible things happening in the world, struggles we have, and maybe the ongoing pain and suffering in our marriage.
Sometimes we have to make a choice to remain motivated by God. We choose to act in love when we don’t feel it. We give when we feel empty. We reach out when we want to draw back.
I’ve seen marriages that would have ended in divorce had it not been for the godly motivation of one spouse to make it work. I’ve seen now happy marriages that would have remained miserable without one spouse being motivated to have a better marriage. I’ve also seen marriages die a slow, quiet death because neither spouse was motivated to keep it alive.
Following Jesus has motivated me to be a far better husband than I would otherwise have been. It has motivated me to forgive and give grace when I wanted to lash out in my fear or frustration. Without God, I doubt we’d have made is five years. Because of God, we have passed forty years and are very happily married.
There are a number of ways to stay focused on godly motivation. Regular fellowship is a must. Church, yes, but you need intimate fellowship with a few spiritual friends who can encourage you. Regular Bible reading is good; discussing the Bible with others is better. Books and other media can be a big encouragement. And last but not least, prayer. Good or bad, scared or excited, take your life to God in prayer. And pray for your spouse, no matter how you feel about them at the moment!
~ This is Paul, and godly motivation makes it easier to Do Marriage Well.
The sun coming through the mist.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 27, 2025 | Motivation
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4oIklsC
This week we’re going to talk about motivation. There is a lot of meat on this one, it will run two weeks.
Motivation is a big deal because everything we do flows from what motivates us. Likewise for those around us, including our spouse. A lack of motivation is also a big deal, as it can result in depression and/or not doing things we should do. And wrong motivation can result in disaster.
Understanding your motivation will help you. Adjusting your motivation can make you a better person. And understanding the motivation of others can make your life way easier. And of course, all of these things are true in our marriages.
So today, I want to ask you to think about what motivates you. Seeking food because you’re hungry is easy. Other things are far more complex. What’s more, we may hide our motivation. We hide it from others because we fear our motivation is selfish or wrong. We can hide our motivation from ourselves for the very same reasons. If you do something out of fear, anger, or pride, you may tell yourself the motivation is something else. If you’re rude to your spouse, you may blame it on them, rather than admitting to your own selfishness, pride, or fear.
As you explore what motivates you, don’t accept the first thing that comes to your mind. Is it your motivation, or is it an excuse? Is there more to it, something deeper, something you don’t want to own? A few questions to ask yourself prayerfully: “What am I afraid of?” “What am I trying to prove?” “Am I protecting something?”
Discovering your motivations are less than healthy or loving is no fun. But it does allow you to grow and be better. And that’s good for you and your marriage.
~ This is Paul, and right motivation makes Doing Marriage Well easier.
After an afternoon of harvesting, there’s nothing like a nice purple baked potato.
Cooks and tastes like a Russet, but seemed to grow better. We got “only” 80 pounds (36 kg) of them, but may do more next year.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 24, 2025 | Coaching, concept
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4o588hs
So what does sex coaching look like?
Pretty much the same as marriage coaching. You express your concern or problem. The coach works to clarify the issue. Information or suggestions are offered. A goal may be established. Then the couple goes home to give it a try.
One of the challenges with sex is most folks don’t know nearly as much about human sexuality as they should. Most of us got less than adequate sex education growing up. Most of us got more miss-education from porn, popular media, and friends than we got factual information. Some folks don’t know enough about their own sexually, and far less about their spouse’s sexuality.
I recall one woman who was losing her mind because her husband got erections while he was sleep. She was afraid she was not satisfying him, and he was going to get a lover or leave her. She was laying awake at night, regularly checking him to see if he was erect. When we explained that men get erections during every dream they have, she felt so much better!
Lori and I have “solved” months of frustration for couples by suggesting a penis ring, a new position, or a vibrator. Other times all that’s needed is a bit of sexual biology or talking about how men and women differ sexually.
Some couples just need a safe place to talk about sex. A coach can help overcome embarrassment and provide a framework to discuss what each spouse feels and desires. Some couples resolve their issue with each other once a coach has helped them start talking. And, some couples are looking for help to determine if certain sex acts are acceptable to God.
All of that said, often when a couple comes to us for help with sex, it quickly becomes obvious they have marriage problems that are causing or complicating the sexual issue. Sometimes resolving the marriage issue makes the sex issue go away. Other times it makes dealing with the sex issue far easier. As a bonus, resolving sexual problems can bear fruit in the marriage beyond sex.
Yes, Lori and I do sex coaching. If it’s just a sex problem, it can probably be resolved with one or a few sessions. As with marriage in general, sex coaching can also help you move from good to great.
~ This is Paul, and coaching can help you do both Marriage and Sex Well!!
Had a nice halo around the sun when Widget and I went out the other morning.
The picture does not do it justice.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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