Podcast: https://bit.ly/4nFPtIV
Today, I want to address a special case of “I know my spouse won’t do what is necessary for us to have a great marriage.”
I will use wife and husband here for clarity, knowing there are cases where the sexes are reversed. We’ve dealt with a number of couples where one spouse, usually the wife, made significant efforts to improve the marriage for a sustained period of time. She tried, really tried. But her husband didn’t reciprocate, or even worse, made promises he did not keep, or made efforts he didn’t continue. So she gave up.
Then, years later, the husband starts to make real efforts to have a better marriage. But the wife is done. She doesn’t care, and won’t do anything. Often the husband is quick to admit she made an effort in the past when he didn’t. But why, they ask, won’t she try one more time?
Part of it is the wife is unwilling to risk being hurt again. I suspect there is also some revenge in many cases, and a couple of wives have confessed that was so for them. Beyond that, she may not care enough to be bothered.
Tomorrow, I will address the spouse who is making an effort after their husband or wife tried and gave up. Today I want to talk to the one who gave up. Let’s start with a bit of Bible:
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. ~ Romans 12:18 ESV
If your marriage is not a place of peace, and your spouse is trying to fix it, don’t you have a responsibility to join them in the effort?
Might you get hurt? Yes, it’s possible. But I assure you it will hurt less than the fallout from a divorce.
That said, given the past, I think it’s fair to set some expectations. If there have been abortive efforts in the past, point that out and tell our spouse they will need to keep at it for several months before you can trust it’s for real. It’s absolutely fair to expect them to lead, while you follow at a distance.
If you are still upset about your efforts in the past being ignored, speak up about that. Tell him or her you’re still hurt by their failure in the past, and you’re working on that. Their response to that might surprise and encourage you.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well can be hard work.
Got the peppers out of the hoop house.
Tomorrow I will try my hand at Chile Rellenos which I have always liked but never made.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
One complicating factor here is that one spouse can think foryears that they have been showing love, but the other doesn’t recognize her actions as love, so it doesn’t fuel connection – maybe the opposite. Meanwhile the one trying to show love feels exonerated from responsibility to keep working at it. In past year, we developed a fantastic relationship for us both, but through all our 30+ years, my wife has treated food and the kitchen as her #1 area to express love and marital duty. Too often, I have been exasperated as that has taken priority over sex. I have tried to express that, probably too often with anger, but she hadn’t appreciated my perspective. Now, we’re goo on that, but just a couple days ago, I felt a need to raise this priority dynamic again.
@Tim – So true. If you’re not giving what is needed, you’re not making a dent. And sex is a common failure point. I will discuss that in Friday’s post.
I have to say how much I cannot stand the “too little, too late” response. My ex-wife told me that in the waning years of our marriage, and I remember feeling very angry. After all the crap I put up with from her and she had the nerve to tell ME that? Yes, it took me awhile to come around and start putting forth real effort but it was because I had been fed up with dealing with HER promises of “I’ll do better next time!”
Not that I’m complaining, btw. Getting away from her was one of the most liberating feelings I’ve ever experienced, and that was pushing 2 decades ago. Good riddance.
@James – It can be an excuse or manipulation. It can also feel very valid.
Glad you’re in a better place now.