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On Monday, I said, “Do everything in your power to make your marriage great. Give them anything within reason they say they want.“
The important part there is doing what your spouse desires. Doing what you want, or what you think they should want, won’t improve your marriage. Next week I will talk about various things that a spouse could legitimately need. I will also talk about how we define “within reason”. Today, I want to focus on one of the most common sticking points: sex.
If you want a great marriage, you must have a good sex life. If you want a good marriage, you will need a good sex life. Not having a good sex life is like throwing a bucket of cold water on your marriage. It will cool the marriage down and lead to hard feelings.
Both the Bible and science tell us that regular sex is good for a marriage. It’s not a bonus, and it’s not optional; not if you want your marriage to be strong and healthy.
But what if you don’t enjoy sex? What if you don’t want it because of other marriage issues? Then I suggest a three-step process. First, you find a way to improve sex for the spouse who is frustrated about it. I’m not talking about what they have always dreamed of, I’m talking about better, and regular. Then you work on the rest of the marriage. And finally, when everything else is good, you come back to sex and make it good. Or great!
For that initial sex improvement, I’d recommend some sort of sex three times a week, with intercourse and both of you climaxing at least once a week. The other two times each week is whatever the less interested spouse is willing to do. This is no one’s dream sex life, but it is enough to get past sex and work on other things.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well requires Doing Sex Well.
Moonrise at sunset.
Shot this from a friend’s house.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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I really wish you wouldn’t have given a number to how often great married couples should be having sex. My husband and I have been married for over 30 years. We have a wonderful relationship. We are both in our 60’s . Having sex three times a week is not reasonable and I am the higher driven partner. I totally agree with having sex on a frequent/regular basis. But giving a number to this is not appropriate; it causes anxiety and stress to couples who already feel less than.
@Robyn – I did not mean to give a magic number, and should have said so. Most men under fifty are going to be frustrated and feel denied with less than that. And I’ve heard the same from some higher drive wives.
Age is a factor, and if both spouses are fine with whatever they are doing, it’s not an issue.