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Last Friday, in Your Marriage Will Never Be Great Without Good Sex, I said sex was important for a marriage even if one person’s not into it. But not all sex is the same, and “just doing it” is not enough.
Let’s start with some Bible:
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. ~ 1 Corinthians 7:3 ESV
If we dig into the Greek, we find that we are expected to give what is “owed, due, or required.” It’s easy to say that what is required is regular sex. But it goes further. What is expected is regular sex that is enjoyed.
There are two big ways sex is not enjoyed. One is so-called mercy sex, where the uninterested spouse does the minimum required. No one enjoys “wake me when you’re done” sex. It takes care of the physical pressure, but the lack of emotional and relational connection makes it feel empty. Most people who get such sex often start to ask for sex less and less, choosing to take care of themselves alone. It is most commonly the wife who offers this kind of one-sided sex, but some women are on the receiving end of this problem.
The other kind of not enjoyed sex is also one-sided. But rather than one person being uninterested, it’s a husband who is unwilling to do what it would take for his wife to really enjoy the encounter.
I don’t just mean she doesn’t orgasm. Not orgasming is a problem, but as above, orgasm alone is not enough. Sex is a very emotional act, and women find that aspect necessary for sex to be good. A mechanical, emotionally distance performance that produces a response in her body won’t leave a woman feeling sexually satisfied. She needs to feel desired, pursued, and cherished.
A woman who gets emotionally empty orgasms will lose interest in sex. She may become a “sex just for you” wife because she finds that less painful.
The bigger picture is these issues are not usually sexual problems. Good sex requires a healthy marriage with a solid emotional connection. Great sex requires even more of those things. So while a couple with significant marriage issues can create a functional sex life that will reduce frustration for a time, they must heal and grow their marriage to move into sex that gives them both “what is required”.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well makes it possible to Do Sex Well.
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Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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