Podcast: https://bit.ly/3X6BWhL
As I have already mentioned in passing, fear is a common motivator. It’s a very powerful motivation, but often not a helpful one. If it keeps you from doing something that would hurt or kill you, that’s great. But frequently that’s not the case. Fear affects your marriage by causing you to withdraw or become controlling.
Often when fear is a problem, the fear is not rooted in current reality. It might come from our past, when we were abused, bullied, or not given things we needed. We can also be fearful because of all the bad things going on around us in the world; things over which we have no control. Both of these can result in ongoing fear which we can’t resolve.
If your fear is from the past, I suggest you get help to deal with it. Story work can help, as will therapy. If you realise, in the moment, that you’re feeling past based fear, telling yourself “That was then, this is now” may help. This is particularly helpful when you react to your spouse as if they were someone who hurt you.
If you’re fearful because you see an endless parade of bad things in the news, reducing the amount of news you view is a good idea. I’m not saying you should tap out and ignore the world, just proposing you limit how much you consume. One of the dangers of social media is that it runs algorithms that give you more of what you watch. This can be a trap, showing you an endless parade of what causes you fear.
Of course, none of this is new. Two millennia ago, another Paul nailed it:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. ~ Philippines 4:6-8 ESV
When we seek God in prayer, He gives us peace. We are to add to this by focusing on good things. The news is driven by “If it bleeds, it leads” so it’s not pure, honourable, or lovely. So balance the news with stories about good things. Something like The Good News Network or Uplifting Stories from the BBC can help. I’m not personally big on cute cat videos, but they can be fun. Or swap doom-scrolling for a YouTube nature video.
Fear can save our lives. Fear can also ruin our lives. And fear can certainly destroy a marriage. If fear is out of control in your life, please get help.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well is difficult when you’re afraid.
I was harvesting the last of our 800 pounds (363 kg) of potatoes when I heard cheeping. I turned around to see a hen with a lot of chicks pecking away in the garden near me.
One of our hens had built a nest in the tall weeds at the far end of the chicken moat and hatched out a dozen chicks. How she got into the garden I don’t know. We will be well below freezing tonight, with cold, rain, and maybe snow the rest of the week. We got them into a protected area with straw, food, and water. When they are feathered out, we will move them in with the turkeys.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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