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What motivates you sexually?
It’s not as simple as what motivates you to have sex. There are also things that motivate us to not have sex. It has been described as a car with both a gas pedal and a brake pedal. When something presses the gas, you want sex. When something presses the brake, you don’t want sex.
Today I want to address the more important pedal: the brake. Next week, I’ll talk about the gas.
You may think I’m wrong in saying the brake is the more important pedal. But if the brake is down hard, pushing the accelerator to the floor won’t get you moving. Do that long enough, and you will damage the transmission or overheat the engine. Without the brake on, even a bit of gas will get you rolling.
The brake can affect desire, willingness, arousal, and/or orgasm. Often one or more of those works, while one or more of the others is stuck. This leads to various outcomes, but all are frustrating and place limits on a couple’s sex life
Occasionally there are physical problems that act as a brake to our sex life. But the majority of brake issues are mental.
- Purity culture is a massive brake. It’s intended to keep your sex life in park until you marry, but all too often is keeps limiting sex well after the wedding. This is more common and more extreme for women, but I’ve worked with several men who were struggling because of the purity message they got as a teen.
- Guilt is another brake. This can be guilt about someone you had sex with before you met your spouse. Or it might be sex you had with your spouse before you were married. Others have guilt from porn use.
- Fear is another one. Past abuse can bring on fear that cripples a couple’s sex life. Both men and women can bring this into the marriage bed. Women may be afraid of being used, or of “enjoying sex too much”. Men may be afraid they are expecting too much of their wife sexually. Fear of pregnancy can also be an issue. And, if a couple doesn’t have good privacy, fear of being walk in on or being heard can lock up the wheels of sex.
- Body image and shame are another brake. This can be about one’s body in general, or specifically about sexual body parts. Sometimes it’s shame about just having sexual body parts. We worked with a fellow who had not seen his wife’s breasts in many years, as her shame about them meant she lived in a sports bra.
- Then there’s confusion. This can be from a lack of sex education, or from getting bad information or wrong ideas about sex. Porn is a big one here, as more and more folks go into marriage having consumed a lot of porn that is not at all like real sex.
If your sex life is stuck, the issue is probably the brake. Sex brakes CAN be released. Identify the issue and try to release it. If you can’t do that alone, get help.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well may take work.
Play hard, sleep hard. Repeat.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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