by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 23, 2025 | Coaching
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4o4mCy9
One of the frustrations of anyone who works with married couples is that most folks wait way too long to get help. The problem gets bigger as frustration and anger grow. These emotions, along with the distance they can cause, bring on more problems. When the couple does get help, they may have dozens of issues, and may not even remember what started the cascade.
If you get help early, the process will be faster and easier. Sooner is better.
I suspect the delay in seeking help is often largely about shame. We live in a world of bad marriages, we’re possibly children of divorced parents, and for some reason we think we should know how to have a good marriage all on our own.
Beyond needing help to save your marriage, coaching is an excellent way to make any marriage better. It’s like deciding you want to improve your golf game; if you aren’t doing as well as you’d like, you need some help. It’s a joy to watch a couple with a good marriage find ways to be even happier.
Coaching works for couples of all ages. Lori and I have worked with newlyweds, retired couples and everything in between. Life changes such as the birth of a baby, all the kids being in school, having teenagers, and the empty nest are good times to examine and adjust. A couple of meetings with a coach can make doing that easier.
You may have seen me promote a once a year “check-up” with a coach. Aldrich ministries now offers a check-up, at a great price. This is a good way to see potential problems before they become a big deal. It can be used to help you set goals, and it gives you a way to track how your marriage is doing.
Yes, I’m pushing coaching. I think it’s a fantastic tool. I wish Lori, and I’d had such a thing forty years ago. We could have saved ourselves a lot of pain and struggle and got to a great marriage so much faster. I think that is why I am so big on others getting help.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well is a skill you can improve.
Lori titled this picture “Will look derpy for belly scritches”.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Loir Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 22, 2025 | Coaching
Podcast: https://bit.ly/47ewIW4
The most valuable thing about a marriage coach is he or she is an objective third party with no dog in your marriage fight. This is especially true if neither of you knows the coach prior to coaching.
None of us sees ourselves as we are. We may tend to justify things we do, while being too harsh about what our spouse does. Or perhaps we’re too hard on ourselves, and too willing to let our spouse’s wrongs go. Both of these get in the way of a better marriage. An experienced coach will see these issues, and help you see them.
A coach can also help you and your spouse find common ground. A third party can help you sort through the hurt feelings, fears, and anger to get to the real issue. A coach can suggest one of you is being unfair. They can also point to places where one of you is missing what the other is saying or feeling. Sometimes the coach does not immediately understand what the disconnect is, but they can tell the couple is not on the same page. This then allows the couple to work on the issue.
A coach can provide a safe place to say scary or difficult things. Or to sound out feelings that are not fully understood by the one expressing those feelings. A good coach will perceive when one spouse is getting overwhelmed, and can help the couple avoid flooding or anger.
Working with a married couple who coach together is good because you get the benefit of both a male and a female perspective. The female coach can help explain the wife to the husband, and the other way around for the male coach. It’s also easier to call BS on the same sex spouse than the opposite sex one.
If you work with a husband and wife, you may do some one-on-one with the same sex coach. But most of the coaching will probably be the four of you.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Some of our carrots got rather large. (That’s a full size shovel.)
The outside was fine, and the woody cores went to the rabbits. We got over 100 pounds (45 kg) of carrots, most of them now freeze-dried.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 21, 2025 | Coaching
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3WO3HLX
Having differentiated marriage coaching from marriage therapy and marriage counselling, today I want to discuss what marriage couching looks like. The idea behind things like life or business coaching is that the client has the answers, and the coach help them find those answers. This means a skilled business coach need know nothing about a person’s industry to help them find ways to do better.
I see marriage coaching differently. I see it more along the lines of what a coach does for an athlete. The coach knows “the game” and knows ways to help each player reach their full potential.
Google’s explanation of marriage coaching is what I do:
Marriage coaching is a forward-looking process where a couple works with a coach to identify and achieve specific relationship goals, enhance communication, and build a stronger foundation. A marriage coach teaches couples tools to manage struggles, resolve conflicts, and better understand each other.
- Goal-oriented: The focus is specific goals. That could be better communication, more time together, dealing with financial stress, or improving sex. With a goal set, the couple works together to achieve it.
- Present and future focus: There may be some looking back to see why certain things happen, but primarily you deal with present issues and building skills to for a better marriage in the future.
- Skill-based: Coaching offers practical tools. You learn ways to communicate better, deal with conflict, or make time for things you want to do together.
- Partnership approach: The coach acts as a guide to help the couple improve their marriage. Coaching is tailored to whom each husband and wife are, and what they want.
- Action-oriented: Coaching is active, with specific steps to improve your relationship. Homework is common, and the coach may email or text you between sessions to nudge or encourage you.
If you think coaching could help you improve your marriage, Lori and I would be glad to work with you. It’s possible to start with one spouse, but for coaching to bring about significant changes, both of you will need to be onboard.
~ This is Paul, and when it comes to Doing Marriage Well, I know “the game”.
More fall colour.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 20, 2025 | Coaching
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4hmybOT
I’ve been using AI to check my posts to improve readability. It also suggests changes or things I’ve missed. I reject most of what it says, but I do find it helpful.
The last couple of weeks, as I talked about moving towards a great marriage, AI has repeatedly told me I was failing to give solutions or clear action steps.
So this week, I want to talk about one good solution to many marriage problems: marriage coaching. And full disclosure, Lori and I do marriage and sex coaching.
Today, let me explain how marriage coaching differs from marriage therapy or counselling. All therapy is done by a licensed professional. The same is true for most counselling, but this is not true for pastoral or biblical counselling.
One difference that comes from this is coaching is usually much less expensive. But there is more to it than that. While therapy is about treating something, coaching is about growth. If your marriage is suffering from ongoing anger, then therapy is needed. If your marriage is suffering because of selfishness, coaching will help.
Therapy focuses on insight and understanding. Coaching may or may not bring about those things, but the goal is change. Understanding why you’re sometimes a jerk to your spouse is nice, but it doesn’t magically bring about change. On the other hand, you can change harmful behaviour without figuring out why you do it.
Therapy and counselling tend to be a longer term than coaching. Coaching may be off and on; when you resolve one issue, you may walk in that for a time before working on a new issue.
Both therapy and coaching can be helpful. Most marriage situations don’t need therapy, and in some situations it’s a bad fit.
~ This is Paul, and getting help to Do Marriage Well is a good plan.
Making room to cure out 350 pounds of Russet potatoes.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 17, 2025 | GREAT!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3Jd4EKJ
Last Friday, in Your Marriage Will Never Be Great Without Good Sex, I said sex was important for a marriage even if one person’s not into it. But not all sex is the same, and “just doing it” is not enough.
Let’s start with some Bible:
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. ~ 1 Corinthians 7:3 ESV
If we dig into the Greek, we find that we are expected to give what is “owed, due, or required.” It’s easy to say that what is required is regular sex. But it goes further. What is expected is regular sex that is enjoyed.
There are two big ways sex is not enjoyed. One is so-called mercy sex, where the uninterested spouse does the minimum required. No one enjoys “wake me when you’re done” sex. It takes care of the physical pressure, but the lack of emotional and relational connection makes it feel empty. Most people who get such sex often start to ask for sex less and less, choosing to take care of themselves alone. It is most commonly the wife who offers this kind of one-sided sex, but some women are on the receiving end of this problem.
The other kind of not enjoyed sex is also one-sided. But rather than one person being uninterested, it’s a husband who is unwilling to do what it would take for his wife to really enjoy the encounter.
I don’t just mean she doesn’t orgasm. Not orgasming is a problem, but as above, orgasm alone is not enough. Sex is a very emotional act, and women find that aspect necessary for sex to be good. A mechanical, emotionally distance performance that produces a response in her body won’t leave a woman feeling sexually satisfied. She needs to feel desired, pursued, and cherished.
A woman who gets emotionally empty orgasms will lose interest in sex. She may become a “sex just for you” wife because she finds that less painful.
The bigger picture is these issues are not usually sexual problems. Good sex requires a healthy marriage with a solid emotional connection. Great sex requires even more of those things. So while a couple with significant marriage issues can create a functional sex life that will reduce frustration for a time, they must heal and grow their marriage to move into sex that gives them both “what is required”.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well makes it possible to Do Sex Well.
A small portion of our garlic.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Oct 16, 2025 | GREAT!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/491SLli
So far in this “Have a Great Marriage” series, I’ve put the burden on husband and wife equally. That’s fair; both can, and both should, do what they can to improve their marriage. But that said, I think there is more responsibility on the man.
Some call it headship. I find that term has been so misused as to be worthless. I’m not an egalitarian, but neither am I what most folks think when they hear “complementarian”.
When I read the Bible, I see that God made men and women different. And He called that difference good. He said women need men, but before that, He said men need women. He calls men to help and protect women. Not control them. Not shelter them. And certainly not use them for their own desires.
Leading your wife means doing what’s right and praying she will follow your lead. It also means continuing to do what’s right even if she doesn’t do likewise. It means being willing to wait as the prodigal son’s father waited. It means loving when you get anger or even hatred in return. It means taking the short end of the stick and praying rather than yelling.
The ugly little secret of being a leader in God’s kingdom is you don’t have power or rights. You have obligations and responsibility. This is true for church leaders and husbands. No sane person would chase this, but for men who follow Jesus, this is our lot. Embrace it, and do it well.
Can a wife turn around a marriage? Yes. But I think men are better able to do that because of how God made us. Are there women so determined to have an unhappy marriage or a divorce that her husband can’t change things? Yes. But this is honestly uncommon. Lori and I have seen it a few times, but not often. Most men can save their marriage, or make it far, far better, if they act in time.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well has gender differences.
Speaking of male leaders, Lori got our Tom turkey to pose for a picture.
He has been named D’Argo. And no, we don’t call the turkey pen Moya. But perhaps we should!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Lori Byerly
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