by PAUL BYERLY | Nov 28, 2025 | Sacrifice
Podcast: https://bit.ly/43V9SSF
So today we’re at the intersection of sex and sacrifice. It’s not a popular location, but most spouses will find themselves here at least occasionally.
I could talk about the need to sacrifice for a higher drive spouse. But plenty has been written about that. Today I want to go a different direction.
Most men enter marriage ready to try every sexual thing they can think of. And they want to do it all in the first week of marriage. Few women are half way there. This is especially true if the woman has little or no experience. New wives worry about if sex will work, if it will hurt, and whether she will orgasm.
A lot of new wives get absolutely run over by their husband in his sex overdrive. He’s probably too excited to notice she’s holding back. What’s more, a lot of women don’t speak up about acts they dislike, positions that don’t work for them, not having an orgasm, and even pain. There are a number of reasons this happens, but the point is, it’s common.
This mismatch, plus the lack of understanding by the man, sets the couple up for sexual problems. Often by the time the wife speaks up, she is done with sex. She may be willing to do it “for him” on occasion, but she has no desire for sex herself. She’s learning to dissociate during sex, endure rather than enjoy, and see sex as something done for her husband rather than with him.
I tell men to hold back when they get married. Sacrifice so she can enjoy sex too. I’m not suggesting less sex; rather focus on sex she enjoys, and don’t push for what she doesn’t want.
If you’ve been married for decades, this advice is probably still valid. A lot of men push for sex acts or positions they know their wife isn’t into. This is not loving. It’s also not wise, as it makes her less interested in sex, and less likely to enjoy it when she says yes.
BTW, saying “It’s not sin, you should do it” is neither biblical nor valid. Yes, the Bible tells us to have sex with our spouse. But it does not remove the right to have preferences.
Selfishness will kill your sex life. Sacrifice will nurture and protect your sex life. You want great sex life? Make her pleasure your goal. When she loves sex because it’s good for her, she’ll want it more often and may become open to exploring.
~ This is Paul, and both of enjoying it is Doing Sex Well.
Got a shot of our first snow, Tuesday night.
Latest I’ve ever seen it.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Nov 27, 2025 | Sacrifice
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4p57Bgf
Today is Thanksgiving in the States. Lori and I will spend it with family and friends; two dozen at least!
Our meal will include turkey, pork, and rabbit, all raised here. A good chunk of our veggies were also raised here. Something to be thankful for!
What I’m especially thankful for today goes hand in hand with sacrifice. We live in community here with my son, his wife, their two boys, her mother, her brother, his wife and children. Plus an unrelated couple with children.
Living in community means sacrificing a certainly degree of privacy. It also means having to discuss and agree on things that impact the land, or that others will see. But what we gain is incredible. For example, our car died a couple of months ago. We can’t access some money that is ours at the moment, so we can’t get a replacement. But we’ve had a vehicle every time we’ve needed one. I’ve driven as many as four rigs in as many days, but we’ve never been without.
We sacrifice for the folks here, and they sacrifice for us. And we all feel we get more than we give. And Lori and I find it makes our life together better.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Community Well is a whole different blog!
A couple of days ago, I helped pack turkey dinners for a local food bank.
We had a great group of volunteers, and knocked out 250 boxed in 45 minutes!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Nov 26, 2025 | Sacrifice
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3M2cszZ
Let’s talk about what you should not sacrifice for your spouse. Or for your marriage.
First and foremost, your faith. Paul warned us to not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever, and the Old Testament is full of men who left God and followed the gods of their wives. The person who has your heart and shares your bed has significant influence over you.
I’ve watched a couple of devout men back away from God to make their wife happy. One, who had been a pastor, now denies the faith he once preached. Moving away from God because of your spouse can be a slow process, which makes it all the more insidious. If your spouse wavers in their faith, that makes it all the more important for you to stand firm.
Along similar lines, you shouldn’t sacrifice your values and beliefs. If you’re compromising deeply held convictions to avoid conflict, you’re erasing yourself. Some ‘aligning’ is mutual influence and growth, but tossing your values and beliefs for your spouse is neither wise nor healthy.
Then comes family. Leaving and cleaving does not mean cutting all ties. If your spouse asks you to abandon your family, that’s likely a big red flag. I say likely, because if your family is toxic, you should set whatever limits necessary to protect yourself, your spouse, and your children. It can be difficult to see the harm family does when we grew up with it; your spouse may see family toxicity you’ve normalised. Total separation may be necessary in some cases, but work to avoid that if possible.
The situation is similar with friends. The amount of time you should spend with your spouse will affect your friendships, but it should not end them. The same warning about toxic people applies here. Additionally, if your friends don’t accept your spouse, that is a rejection of you.
Please note, cutting a spouse off from family and friends is a hallmark of abuse. Active efforts to distance you from everyone who cares about you needs to be examined and addressed.
Many will say you shouldn’t give up your dreams or goals for your marriage. But it’s not that simple. If a goal or dream significantly limits your time with your spouse, that’s a problem. If it draws you away from your spouse, that’s wrong. Some goals are not compatible with a strong, healthy marriage. Others will need to be tweaked to make them play well with marriage.
If you look at secular sources, you will find a great many other things folks think you should never sacrifice. This is one of those places where the God and the world are far apart. We are certainly called to sacrifice for others (Galatians 5:13), and most especially for our spouse. However, what we sacrifice and why are important issues to consider.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Now that I’m not working outside, I’m back to swimming two days a week.
I don’t enjoy it, but the sacrifice makes the rest of my life better.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Nov 25, 2025 | Sacrifice
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3M5txJg
Sometimes sacrificing for your marriage falls mostly or entirely on one spouse. That could be due to selfishness on the part of the other spouse, or a result of immaturity. But it could be something unavoidable, such as a long term illness.
It might be something you both agreed to, that feels like far more of a sacrifice to one of you. For example, a couple decides to delay having children so she can work full-time while he finishes his degree. Even when they’re home together, she feels alone as he hits the books. He has a lot of social contact at school, while her social circle is small. If she’s an extrovert, the situation is even more difficult for her.
In this situation, it’s fair and healthy for the wife to express her frustration from time to time. Hubby should find a way to give her a taste of what she wants. And they should keep telling each other, “This is just for a season”.
A chronic illness or permanent disability can call for significant sacrifice on the part of the other spouse. This can cause guilt for the one who has the condition. That should be addressed by the spouse who is sacrificing. Take time to grieve what you have lost as a couple, as you also focus on what you still have, and what you can build. Make it clear this is an “us thing”, not a “you thing”.
If your spouse is being immature, or is struggling with some sort of addiction, you can find yourself making regular sacrifices. Hope for change, but be realistic. Again, grieve what you have lost. Sometimes sacrifices are the only way to save a marriage. I’ve seen both men and women make “unfair” sacrifices to keep their immature spouse from divorcing them. And sometimes, this has resulted in a change, healing and a good marriage. Not always, but it does happen. Get outside help to set and hold to boundaries.
A few other thoughts:
- Regardless of the situation, don’t allow it to destroy you. Self-care is critical when you’re sacrificing.
- Do a few things just for you.
- Don’t cut yourself off from family and friends.
- Find someone with wisdom and discretion who you can talk with about the situation.
- Resentment will happen when we sacrifice hard for a long time. Resentment is normal, even when the spouse is blameless. Pretending it’s not there won’t help. Admit it and deal with it. Get help if necessary.
- Don’t confuse sacrificing and enabling. Supporting spouse’s recovery = sacrificing. Funding their addiction = enabling. Say no as needed, and don’t allow yourself to be guilted about doing so.
- Finally, don’t neglect your spiritual needs. Attend church, be in the Bible, and pray, pray, pray.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well sometimes means sacrifice
Some of the things we’ve harvested from our property and freeze-dried the last couple of months.
From the top left: Garlic, potatoes, green beans, onions, potato flakes, carrots, black beans, oyster mushrooms, cabbage, and corn.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Nov 24, 2025 | Sacrifice
Podcast: https://bit.ly/43LP3ZG
In his sermon yesterday, our pastor spoke about sacrificing for what we love. So this week, I’m going to talk about sacrificing for our marriages.
Please notice I did not say sacrifice for our spouses. I see a marriage as something beyond and bigger than the two people involved. We are told that when we marry, the two become one. Genesis 2:24 says the two become one flesh; not ‘two people who live together’ but a new entity. I think we would do well to focus more on this one flesh entity.
If we elevate the marriage above the two people involved, things start to look different. It’s no longer what he wants vs what she wants. It’s what is best for the marriage. On some occasions, what is best for the marriage will be similar to what the wife wants. On other occasions it will be close to what the husband wants. And on some occasions, what is best for the marriage is not anything like want either spouse wants.
We do this in our individual lives all the time. We delay gratification for something better down the road. We sacrifice because doing so protects us or opens a new possibility. We work overtime to make money for something we want. We eat less and avoid foods we greatly enjoy so we can lose weight and be healthier.
Doing the same for the marriage is wise. When what’s best for the marriage is good with both of us, it’s easy. When neither of us wants what we feel is best, that’s less fun, but not too difficult. But when what is best happens to be what my spouse wants, that feels kind of unfair!
A couple of real world example of doing what’s best for the marriage:
- Prioritising date nights, which both spouses enjoy.
- Having a boundaries conversation with in-laws, which neither of them wants to do.
- He wants to move for his job, she wants to stay near family. If the couple is struggling financially, and there are no good prospects locally, what’s best for the marriage may be to move. However, if they are fine financially and family is a big part of their life and supports them in many ways, moving may cause long term problems. Individual preferences aside, what is best for the future of the marriage?
- Tom and Judy spend a lot of time with Frank and Tiffany. They are great friends, and a lot of fun. But Frank and Tiffany can get really nasty with each other, and Tom and Judy have heard them scream and say horrible things when they fight. Recently when Tom and Judy had an argument it got far more heated than usual. Tom had screamed, and Judy had said she hated him. Neither of these things had ever happened before, and they realised it was Frank and Tiffany’s influence. After discussion, prayer, and tears, Tom and Judy decide that as much as they still enjoy being with Frank and Tiffany, their marriage needs them to back away.
Put your marriage first, and you will develop a great marriage.
~ This is Paul, and sacrifice is part of life, and marriage.
My daughter-in-law made some pumpkin spice coffee creamer.
Can’t wait to try it!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Nov 21, 2025 | Potpourri
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4oSpHSl
Speaking of doors…
Is the sexual part of your marriage integrated with the rest of your relationship with your spouse? Or is it kept separate, behind a door only opened when you agree to have sex?
Many couples have a sex switch: turn it on, have sex, turn it off, and return to the rest of life. When a couple has a healthy marriage and sex life, there’s no clear line where “sex starts”. Neither does the couple exit the sex space after they both climax.
What does this look like in practice?
- A quick hug might include a bit of clearly sexual touch. But other times, it will not.
- Snuggling will usually have a sexual edge. Sometimes it will be in the background and stay there. Other times it will be a bigger part. And sometimes it will morph into full sex.
- “Asking” to have sex is less common, as sex happens organically. Sex emerges naturally from intimacy rather than from a cold start. There might be a “Want to?”, or it might be obvious you both want to. Or that one of you isn’t there.
- Moderately sexual contact may not result in sex to orgasm on some occasions, and that’s just fine. Other times, you will get aroused enough to schedule sex for later.
- Orgasm is a nice peak, but it’s not the end until next time.
- Making out and moving on isn’t “foreplay that didn’t go anywhere”. It’s an enjoyable activity on its own.
Most high drive spouses will be all about this. But they may not understand what it really means. It’s not about more sex, or sex every time you feel even a bit aroused. It’s about making sex a part of life, weaving in and out of what you do as a couple. Rather than turning up the heat to have sex, your sexuality is on a low simmer most of the time. You learn to enjoy that simmer in and of itself, even when it doesn’t boil over into more.
Low drive spouses will be opposed to this, for the same misunderstanding the higher drive spouse has. Making sex a holistic part of your marriage doesn’t mean you can’t say “No”. It means being able to say “No more at this time”, or “Can we pick this up at bedtime?” It means not being afraid a kiss will lead to a demand for sex. It also means when you do desire full sex, it’s easy to move there from where you live all the time.
When sex flows through your marriage, both spouses feel sexually desired all the time. This reassures the higher drive spouse, while taking pressure off the lower drive spouse. There’s a counter-intuitive dynamic here: The high-drive may not get any more “full sex” but can feel more satisfied because of constant connection and the reassurance they are seen sexually. Integration makes saying yes easier, but it also makes “Not now” easier, both to say and to hear.
If you decide to move to better integration of sex in your marriage, be aware it’s a process. It will take time to ditch old habits, and time to vanquish old fears. But the result is well worth the effort!
~ This is Paul, and separating sex is not doing sex or marriage well.
Just got back from a board meeting at the local food bank.
If you need food, find a food bank. If you’re doing well, please donate food, or even better, money.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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