Podcast: https://bit.ly/47KsHcm
I suspect I’m going to ruffle some feathers this week as I discuss this. Feel free to push back in the comments!
Lori spent the weekend at a women’s retreat. She said it was great, but we both missed being together. It’s been a year since we were apart overnight. It’s something we don’t do often: half a dozen or fewer days a year.
I think I’ve mentioned friends who said Lori and I spend too much time together. As if it’s somehow unhealthy. Which is exactly what I found when I did a bit of Googling on couples who spend most of their time together.
- It’s unhealthy, when they make their world about each other to find one day they are alone.
- Too much is not good. It shows a clingy or needy person.
- Such a relationship is unstable.
- Being together all the time isn’t healthy.
- If you spend too much time together, you can lose your personality.
And of course, the word codependent was thrown around a good deal.
Much of what I saw seemed to be folks trying to justify what they do in their marriage. I don’t want to be guilty of that, and as I always say, “Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple”.
The reality is, few folks could spend as much time together as Lori and I do. We’ve both worked from home for twenty years now. We do have our own friends, and we do things that don’t involve the other. We do spend time apart, but not a lot of it. This is, by design, as it’s our mutual choice. I don’t think other couples need to do the same.
That said, I find a lot of couples spend very little time together. Some studies say the average couple has two to three hours of interaction a day. But they counted meals, watching TV, or any other time the couple was in the same room. If she’s on her phone, and he’s on his laptop, and they don’t talk for an hour, I don’t call that interaction. It’s certainly not quality time. Proximity ≠ presence!
Studies that look at real communication about things other than the kids or the house, put the average at 5 to 15 minutes a day, depending on the study. How can you have a deep, meaning full relationship with someone if you spend so little time sharing your life with them?
May I suggest you take a bit of time to think about how much time you really engage with your spouse? Is that enough, or would you like more? Might your spouse want more?
~ This is Paul, and I am so glad to have my wife back!
Programming note: I’ll get back to motivation next week!
Widget also missed Lori.
Tilly seemed vaguely aware she was gone the last morning.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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