Podcast: https://bit.ly/47MFH12
All this talk about spending a lot of time with your spouse is great, but what about military personnel? And to a lesser extent, first responders.
First, I have the utmost respect for these folks. I am very thankful there are people who feel called to do these difficult, critical jobs.
Long hours and months of separation are not the only issue. The spouse is aware of how dangerous the job is. It’s always in the back of their mind, and it does impact their relationship.
I’ve known solid couples where one spouse had such a job. But they seem to be the minority.
These marriages require specific skills: extreme flexibility, independence during separations, emotional resilience, the ability to reintegrate after time apart, tolerance for uncertainty, and strong community support. These can be developed, but they’re challenging.
These marriages need support and help. It requires help from those who have been trained to help military or first responder couples. Ideally, you want someone who has lived that life. This is one of those places where experience trumps theory by a great deal. This is why military and police wives’ friends are so often other such women. And it’s why such couples may not find the help they need from therapists or counsellors who have not served. The military and larger police and fire departments provide such help.
These couples can also benefit from help from the rest of us. Give emotional support. Make sure the often alone spouse is included in activities, and help with children as you can.
“Thank you for your service” is great. “How can I help you” is better.
~ This is Paul, and some jobs make Doing Marriage Well a challenge.
For some reason, turkeys form huge flocks this time of year.
If you honk, they move faster, both ways, back and forth across the road.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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And oil field wives! Spouses are away for weeks at the time. My husband works three week hitches four thousand miles away from home. There is no local network of support for this unique job. “Family” is a 90 year old parent that I am on call with for emergencies. No pets, so I can go hours without having any reason to speak. We live two separate lives. Everything at home is “my” job – including the aging parent. (Thankfully we’re older so there are no minor children involved. Those poor wives have it the worst. )Then hubby returns home for a 19 day “visit”. It’s like having a long term house guest. Here’s your recliner,! Here’s your remote! What time would you like to eat? What would you like to eat? Stay quiet for frequent naps. Get awakened in the early hours by someone accustomed is different time zone. We are Christian, and non drinkers, so our adjustment time doesn’t involve a husband that comes home to drink and party with his buddies, but that’s a huge problem for oil field wives as well. All in all, it’s living a rollercoaster ride with no end in sight. Oh, and he’s a first responder when at work as well! We’ve been living this life for 15 years of the 21 that we’ve been married. We’re planning for retirement in two – I honestly don’t know how we will survive the adjustment.
@Barbara Stansky – Ah yes. Here we have fellows who work months at a time in Alaska. And I have a friend who used to be a ship’s captain. It’s a very tough way to live.
I’d start talking about retirement early. If you can find someone who has done it, all the better. Perhaps you do that online?
You have my prayers.