Podcast: https://bit.ly/3LCDoWM
The next few days, I want to discuss internal drives that can be a major part of what motivates us. As these motivators are intrinsic parts of being human, we’re not always aware of them, or how they’re influencing our actions.
None of these drives is inherently bad. They’re a part of who we are, and when they are routinely denied, that hurts us. On the other hand, these things can push us in unhealthy ways. Understanding what motivates us can help us stay sane and balanced, which is good for us is in general, as well as for our marriage.
Today, autonomy or self-determination: The need to have control over your life.
Humans have a deep desire to be in control of their lives. We want to make our own choices. We want to be able to say yes and no. If you have children, you saw this in them even before they could speak. It was likely an ongoing source of struggle, escalating greatly during the teen years.
The obvious marriage problem with autonomy is that marriage is a two-person thing. Marriage is two people who want to control their own lives and futures trying to live life together.
If one spouse is strongly driven, the other may defer to them a great deal. This can seem to work for a time, but it’s a ticking time bomb that risks blowing up the marriage. Individuals who are routinely denied self-determination will eventually withdraw as they become depressed, angry, or despondent.
If you’re driven and usually get your way (raising my hand) then you need to work to hear and give proper consideration to what your spouse wants. If you have tended to go along, you need to work to express your desires. Neither considering nor expressing mean that is what will happen. But without this, you can’t have a real discussion about what to do, and one spouse is not experiencing the self-determination they need to be emotionally healthy.
Is this issue a hidden bomb in your marriage? Do you need to do more to accommodate each other? Do you need to learn how to compromise?
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Our daughter-in-law has really wanted a white cat with blue eyes. So Lori has been keeping an eye out.
She found this little guy for a small rehoming fee. I love how my wife cares about people!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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