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What motivates you to have sex?

Are you sure?

We all have an internal list of acceptable reasons to desire sex. Some reasons to have sex might not be on that list because we find them selfish or ungodly. A guy might leave something off the list because it feels like an unmanly reason to desire sex. Women may be concerned certain reasons are not lady like.

If you want sex for a reason you find wrong, then you either don’t seek sex, or you convince yourself you want it for another reason. A man might convince himself he needs release because that’s easier for him to deal with than feeling a desire to be close and intimate. A woman might do the opposite, telling herself she is desiring intimacy, when in fact she’s just horny to be with her man.

It’s very possible to feel an “acceptable” and an “unacceptable” desire for sex at the same time. It’s then easy to focus on the one and deny the other.

I’ve spent a couple of weeks telling you that why we do things matters, and that understanding our motivation is an important part of being emotionally healthy. And that is just a true for sex as for other things. But perhaps more difficult to contemplate. 

Start by being honest with yourself. Question why you want sex. Assume there are usually multiple reasons, and dig to find all of them. If you can’t do this when desire strikes, think about it later. One way to uncover your motivation is to think about how you would ideally want sex to go on that occasion. Be okay with finding a reason that makes you uncomfortable. 

If you find reasons for seeking sex that concern you, then ask yourself if those reasons are really bad. Are you a victim of wrong standards? Is your reason selfish or ungodly? Or does it simply violate a non-biblical idea about masculinity, femininity, or propriety?

It’s not unmanly for a guy to sometimes what sex primarily or exclusively for emotional closeness. It’s also not wrong to want it because you’re so horny you’re losing your mind. Both of these are things God put in you, so it’s good to both feel and desire them.

As for women, “I just want to be close” is a great reason to want sex. But so is “I need you sexually, right now!”  And “It will help me sleep” or “It will relieve my cramps” are also good reasons to seek sex. God created sex to provide all of this and more.

And yes, there are reasons for seeking sex that are not healthy. Things such as trying to avoid a difficult conversation, or to soften your spouse up for something difficult you have to confess or ask.

If you can be honest with each other about your motivations for sex on each occasion, that would be a very good thing. Why you want sex affects how you want sex. Communicating your motivation helps your spouse make sex what you desire. If you haven’t been doing that, you might want to discuss it before doing it. 

When your motives don’t line up, there will need to be some give and take. But if you know that going in, you can handle it far better.

~ This is Paul, and open communication makes it easier to Do Sex Well.

Tilly checking out our unfinished loft.

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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