Podcast: https://bit.ly/3LEUm77
My “posts to do” list has a growing collection of things that don’t fill out to a week. So this week I am going to grab five of those.
Today, being the spouse your partner needs. This one is at the heart of the idea of Doing Marriage Well, rather than trying to do it “right”.
Because of what Lori and I do, we know the inner workings of a lot of different marriages. More than once I have looked at a healthy, happy marriage and thought the woman would not make a good wife for me. And the guy would not make a good husband for Lori. They have a good marriage, but neither Lori nor I would find it a good marriage for us.
Lori and I are like puzzle pieces that line up very well. Likewise for other solid couples. And you can’t just interchange the pieces to make a new puzzle that works.
Of course, we didn’t start out such a great fit. There were parts that fit well. There were also places that didn’t fit at all. Far more than we knew when we said, “I do”. What we have now is the result of nearly forty-one years of work. Some pieces fit naturally, things like shared values and our temperaments. Communication style and how we dealt with conflict need reshaping. And we both had to smooth the rough edges of bad habits and selfishness.
Being the spouse your partner needs is all about becoming a good fit. It means shaving a bit off here, and making room there. It means becoming two unique people who fit together to form a unique marriage that is healthy and happy. That takes time and observation. Learn what matters most to your spouse, and what is pretty much irrelevant.
There are things I do for Lori that matter to her, which would mean little or nothing to other women. There are things she does for me that really bless me, which some men would find annoying.
Being the husband or wife your spouse needs is an ongoing, intentional thing. It will sometimes mean sacrificing. Other times it will mean stretching yourself. And it will always be an act of love. By observing and adapting, you can craft a marriage you both love.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
This is from November 15th, 2010, our first year in Washington.
Fifteen years and two days later, we’ve not seen a single flake of snow yet. But we have a chance this weekend!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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