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I have a pastor friend who talks about staying in your own lane. Having been in church leadership much of my life, and having talked with a number of pastors about the problems they face, I get it. I would say most church problems involve one or more people who are out of their lane.
Folks who won’t stay in their own lane also cause problems at work, in groups they belong to, and in families. They try to insert themselves where they have no authority or valid reason to be. Some things in marriage fit this; your spouse’s job for one. As your kids get older, this applies to their lives more and more. Once they are adults, you need to stay out of it unless they ask for input.
Of course, all these folks out of their lane would tell you they are not. We justify being out of our lane by saying we care, or we see a problem. But neither caring nor seeing a problem gives us the right to get out of our lane. Genuine emergencies can be a valid reason to cross into someone else’s lane, but that will be a rare thing.
Years ago, a pastor’s wife taught me “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” I’ve often asked myself if something involved my circus or my monkeys. If not, I butt out. If someone asks me to get involved, I ask myself if the issue is that person’s circus or monkeys. If not, they have no right to involve me.
I’ve noticed folks who don’t stay in their lane tend to be highly critical. I’ve found working to stay in my lane has helped me be less critical.
I’ve also noticed that folks who don’t stay in their lane tend to have too little to do, or are not doing some of what they should be doing. I suppose it’s sometimes easier to get involved in what others should be doing than to deal with your own stuff. But doing that is bad for us and others.
Are you doing anything that is out of your lane? Do you need to tell someone to get out of your lane?
~ This is Paul, trying to stay in my lane!
We moved all the hens we hatched into the main chicken yard.
All but one of the roosters, and two of the turkeys, will be moving from we feed them to they feed us.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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I agree with this but I do have some questions. How far should this be applied when one is being asked by a fellow believer about how best to deal with a situation involving their circus or their monkeys.
I ask because I know of someone who is on a church board and is struggling to find someone who will advise them on a situation where they really don’t know the right answer. It is a matter involving addiction and acting out where they have more experience recognizing the underlying issues and what is required to lay them to rest. The pastor and most of the board are taking the “hear no evil” stance. They don’t know details of what happened and they have said that they do not WANT to know. Not knowing means that they can’t address it properly.
She has tried to get them to actually take a better look at the situation since it has potential legal ramifications down the road if there is a repeat or, worse, if it escalates.
It’s complicated and worse than is apparent in what I have said thus far but the point is, she has sought counsel from the CLA and they won’t touch it unless the whole board is willing to ask for it. She has asked a retired pastor and friend who knows much of our church’s history but he doesn’t think he should get involved. He doesn’t know the situation, just doesn’t want to get involved in the church’s inner struggles now that he is no longer directly a part of them.
I feel like the board, pastor, and even those she went to for advice all covered their ears and internally said, “not my circus, not my monkeys.”🐒 🐒 Some of them truly should own these monkeys but refuse, others won’t be bothered to advise her on how to handle them. I understand the reticence of the last, though I feel like they are really letting her down when she MOST needs their wisdom.
Am I way off base here? Where does one start to take some little bit of responsibility, if only to help a fellow believer in distress. It’s serious enough that she is resigning her position from the board and withdrawing her official membership from the church to legally protect herself.
@Pa’dam – Giving advice when asked is not getting out of your lane as long as the person is sharing their life and is not gossiping.
Elders and pastors have a spiritual responsibility for the entire congregation. It’s a pretty big circus! That’s why we are supposed to be very careful about who is put in the position.
Privacy and confidentiality are important, but there is still a responsibility. Without knowing the details, I’d say you have a valid point. Sometimes there are potential legal issues, but that should not scare us away.
Thank you. The legal issues are if anything happens in the future and it comes out that the pastor and board chose to turn a blind eye. I understand giving grace but there was already an arrest related to the situation that was hidden from the board for nearly a year. They learned of it from outside sources who were concerned about the person involved being in a position of responsibility where there were kids involved. The original issue did not involve kids, so they seem to be assuming that it would never go there. It seems like a really dangerous way to do things. The fact that the pastor and chairman of the board kept it from the rest of the board is also very concerning to me.
I am kind of thinking that maybe those she asked for help learned that there was a divide between the pastor and the chairman and some of the board and decided that they needed to sort it out themselves. Maybe if they learned just what it is that divided them and why, they might have felt differently but I think they shut it down before that point.
If you would, pray for our church. The enemy is looking to divide and weaken us. I agree about the gossip side of things. We try to be very careful to avoid that. Unfortunately, this seems to be much more widely known outside of our church than inside, even within the board itself. She was looking desperately for wisdom and guidance in a complicated and potentially dangerous situation.