Podcast: https://bit.ly/4oSpHSl
Speaking of doors…
Is the sexual part of your marriage integrated with the rest of your relationship with your spouse? Or is it kept separate, behind a door only opened when you agree to have sex?
Many couples have a sex switch: turn it on, have sex, turn it off, and return to the rest of life. When a couple has a healthy marriage and sex life, there’s no clear line where “sex starts”. Neither does the couple exit the sex space after they both climax.
What does this look like in practice?
- A quick hug might include a bit of clearly sexual touch. But other times, it will not.
- Snuggling will usually have a sexual edge. Sometimes it will be in the background and stay there. Other times it will be a bigger part. And sometimes it will morph into full sex.
- “Asking” to have sex is less common, as sex happens organically. Sex emerges naturally from intimacy rather than from a cold start. There might be a “Want to?”, or it might be obvious you both want to. Or that one of you isn’t there.
- Moderately sexual contact may not result in sex to orgasm on some occasions, and that’s just fine. Other times, you will get aroused enough to schedule sex for later.
- Orgasm is a nice peak, but it’s not the end until next time.
- Making out and moving on isn’t “foreplay that didn’t go anywhere”. It’s an enjoyable activity on its own.
Most high drive spouses will be all about this. But they may not understand what it really means. It’s not about more sex, or sex every time you feel even a bit aroused. It’s about making sex a part of life, weaving in and out of what you do as a couple. Rather than turning up the heat to have sex, your sexuality is on a low simmer most of the time. You learn to enjoy that simmer in and of itself, even when it doesn’t boil over into more.
Low drive spouses will be opposed to this, for the same misunderstanding the higher drive spouse has. Making sex a holistic part of your marriage doesn’t mean you can’t say “No”. It means being able to say “No more at this time”, or “Can we pick this up at bedtime?” It means not being afraid a kiss will lead to a demand for sex. It also means when you do desire full sex, it’s easy to move there from where you live all the time.
When sex flows through your marriage, both spouses feel sexually desired all the time. This reassures the higher drive spouse, while taking pressure off the lower drive spouse. There’s a counter-intuitive dynamic here: The high-drive may not get any more “full sex” but can feel more satisfied because of constant connection and the reassurance they are seen sexually. Integration makes saying yes easier, but it also makes “Not now” easier, both to say and to hear.
If you decide to move to better integration of sex in your marriage, be aware it’s a process. It will take time to ditch old habits, and time to vanquish old fears. But the result is well worth the effort!
~ This is Paul, and separating sex is not doing sex or marriage well.
Just got back from a board meeting at the local food bank.
If you need food, find a food bank. If you’re doing well, please donate food, or even better, money.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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