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Sometimes sacrificing for your marriage falls mostly or entirely on one spouse. That could be due to selfishness on the part of the other spouse, or a result of immaturity. But it could be something unavoidable, such as a long term illness.
It might be something you both agreed to, that feels like far more of a sacrifice to one of you. For example, a couple decides to delay having children so she can work full-time while he finishes his degree. Even when they’re home together, she feels alone as he hits the books. He has a lot of social contact at school, while her social circle is small. If she’s an extrovert, the situation is even more difficult for her.
In this situation, it’s fair and healthy for the wife to express her frustration from time to time. Hubby should find a way to give her a taste of what she wants. And they should keep telling each other, “This is just for a season”.
A chronic illness or permanent disability can call for significant sacrifice on the part of the other spouse. This can cause guilt for the one who has the condition. That should be addressed by the spouse who is sacrificing. Take time to grieve what you have lost as a couple, as you also focus on what you still have, and what you can build. Make it clear this is an “us thing”, not a “you thing”.
If your spouse is being immature, or is struggling with some sort of addiction, you can find yourself making regular sacrifices. Hope for change, but be realistic. Again, grieve what you have lost. Sometimes sacrifices are the only way to save a marriage. I’ve seen both men and women make “unfair” sacrifices to keep their immature spouse from divorcing them. And sometimes, this has resulted in a change, healing and a good marriage. Not always, but it does happen. Get outside help to set and hold to boundaries.
A few other thoughts:
- Regardless of the situation, don’t allow it to destroy you. Self-care is critical when you’re sacrificing.
- Do a few things just for you.
- Don’t cut yourself off from family and friends.
- Find someone with wisdom and discretion who you can talk with about the situation.
- Resentment will happen when we sacrifice hard for a long time. Resentment is normal, even when the spouse is blameless. Pretending it’s not there won’t help. Admit it and deal with it. Get help if necessary.
- Don’t confuse sacrificing and enabling. Supporting spouse’s recovery = sacrificing. Funding their addiction = enabling. Say no as needed, and don’t allow yourself to be guilted about doing so.
- Finally, don’t neglect your spiritual needs. Attend church, be in the Bible, and pray, pray, pray.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well sometimes means sacrifice
Some of the things we’ve harvested from our property and freeze-dried the last couple of months.
From the top left: Garlic, potatoes, green beans, onions, potato flakes, carrots, black beans, oyster mushrooms, cabbage, and corn.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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