Podcast: https://bit.ly/3M2cszZ
Let’s talk about what you should not sacrifice for your spouse. Or for your marriage.
First and foremost, your faith. Paul warned us to not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever, and the Old Testament is full of men who left God and followed the gods of their wives. The person who has your heart and shares your bed has significant influence over you.
I’ve watched a couple of devout men back away from God to make their wife happy. One, who had been a pastor, now denies the faith he once preached. Moving away from God because of your spouse can be a slow process, which makes it all the more insidious. If your spouse wavers in their faith, that makes it all the more important for you to stand firm.
Along similar lines, you shouldn’t sacrifice your values and beliefs. If you’re compromising deeply held convictions to avoid conflict, you’re erasing yourself. Some ‘aligning’ is mutual influence and growth, but tossing your values and beliefs for your spouse is neither wise nor healthy.
Then comes family. Leaving and cleaving does not mean cutting all ties. If your spouse asks you to abandon your family, that’s likely a big red flag. I say likely, because if your family is toxic, you should set whatever limits necessary to protect yourself, your spouse, and your children. It can be difficult to see the harm family does when we grew up with it; your spouse may see family toxicity you’ve normalised. Total separation may be necessary in some cases, but work to avoid that if possible.
The situation is similar with friends. The amount of time you should spend with your spouse will affect your friendships, but it should not end them. The same warning about toxic people applies here. Additionally, if your friends don’t accept your spouse, that is a rejection of you.
Please note, cutting a spouse off from family and friends is a hallmark of abuse. Active efforts to distance you from everyone who cares about you needs to be examined and addressed.
Many will say you shouldn’t give up your dreams or goals for your marriage. But it’s not that simple. If a goal or dream significantly limits your time with your spouse, that’s a problem. If it draws you away from your spouse, that’s wrong. Some goals are not compatible with a strong, healthy marriage. Others will need to be tweaked to make them play well with marriage.
If you look at secular sources, you will find a great many other things folks think you should never sacrifice. This is one of those places where the God and the world are far apart. We are certainly called to sacrifice for others (Galatians 5:13), and most especially for our spouse. However, what we sacrifice and why are important issues to consider.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Now that I’m not working outside, I’m back to swimming two days a week.
I don’t enjoy it, but the sacrifice makes the rest of my life better.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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