Podcast: https://bit.ly/43V9SSF
So today we’re at the intersection of sex and sacrifice. It’s not a popular location, but most spouses will find themselves here at least occasionally.
I could talk about the need to sacrifice for a higher drive spouse. But plenty has been written about that. Today I want to go a different direction.
Most men enter marriage ready to try every sexual thing they can think of. And they want to do it all in the first week of marriage. Few women are half way there. This is especially true if the woman has little or no experience. New wives worry about if sex will work, if it will hurt, and whether she will orgasm.
A lot of new wives get absolutely run over by their husband in his sex overdrive. He’s probably too excited to notice she’s holding back. What’s more, a lot of women don’t speak up about acts they dislike, positions that don’t work for them, not having an orgasm, and even pain. There are a number of reasons this happens, but the point is, it’s common.
This mismatch, plus the lack of understanding by the man, sets the couple up for sexual problems. Often by the time the wife speaks up, she is done with sex. She may be willing to do it “for him” on occasion, but she has no desire for sex herself. She’s learning to dissociate during sex, endure rather than enjoy, and see sex as something done for her husband rather than with him.
I tell men to hold back when they get married. Sacrifice so she can enjoy sex too. I’m not suggesting less sex; rather focus on sex she enjoys, and don’t push for what she doesn’t want.
If you’ve been married for decades, this advice is probably still valid. A lot of men push for sex acts or positions they know their wife isn’t into. This is not loving. It’s also not wise, as it makes her less interested in sex, and less likely to enjoy it when she says yes.
BTW, saying “It’s not sin, you should do it” is neither biblical nor valid. Yes, the Bible tells us to have sex with our spouse. But it does not remove the right to have preferences.
Selfishness will kill your sex life. Sacrifice will nurture and protect your sex life. You want great sex life? Make her pleasure your goal. When she loves sex because it’s good for her, she’ll want it more often and may become open to exploring.
~ This is Paul, and both of enjoying it is Doing Sex Well.
Got a shot of our first snow, Tuesday night.
Latest I’ve ever seen it.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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