by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 31, 2025 | Change
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3NnrXmB
More thoughts on making it easier to make changes that improve your marriage:
When you dedicate yourself to change, it’s important to set goals. Good goals can greatly increase your odds of success, so give it some thought.
You should have a final goal in mind, but don’t stop there. A series of goals is far better than just an end goal. Setting and achieving a series of goals helps you stay motivated. A well-planned set of objectives provides a clear route to achievement. Many goals require multiple changes, and outlining the goals allows you to see how those changes fit together.
As you consider smaller goals along the way, consider what might stand in the way of the change you want to make. What will this change cost you? Are you giving up something you enjoy? Are you moving out of your comfort zone? Don’t ignore the cost of such things. Give yourself time and grace, and see each obstacle overcome as one more step to your final goal.
Once you’ve mapped out the journey, you need a way to know if you’re making progress. How best to judge success? If you judge moment by moment, it’s easy to become despondent. Change is almost never a straight line. It’s usually more like taking two steps forward, one step back, and one step to the side.
If you get stuck, ask yourself if your original plan was flawed. Be willing to make adjustments to your path. If it becomes evident your final goal is unrealistic, don’t give up. Modify your goal and keep going.
The smart way to determine success is to compare the highs. If you have a high that exceeds your previous high, you have made progress. The inevitable dip does not indicate failure; remember that new high. Another way to do this is to consider your low points. If the most recent low was better than several previous lows, you’re doing well.
As an example, say you’ve been working on listening better. Last month, you had a conversation where your spouse said, “I really felt heard.” That’s a high. This week, you got distracted and missed something important; that’s a low. But if this week’s low is still better than your worst moments six months ago, you’re progressing. And, if your next “felt heard” moment is even better than the last, that’s real growth.
BTW, this perspective on progress is also a great way to view your marriage in general. Don’t be discouraged by the issues that are pressing in on you right now; instead, consider the big picture. Is your current situation better than it was previously? Are your current lows higher than previous lows?
Don’t get hung up on where you are; look at the big picture and see where you were.
~ This is Paul, praying 2026 is a great year for your marriage!
After falling through a while back, Widget was slow to trust the ice on the pond.
But now she does!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 30, 2025 | Change
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4jilZj5
It’s all well and good to dedicate yourself to making marriage-improving changes. But life has a way of getting in the way.
Change takes effort, both mentally and emotionally. When your life is busy or stressed, making changes is far more difficult. When bad things happen, that also makes change more difficult.
Don’t ignore these things and just keep pushing on like nothing has happened. Making progress will be hard, and it will likely come at a high cost. Even more likely is burning out and giving up on the change. If you attempt it again at a later time, the “failure” will make it more difficult next time around.
Instead of giving up, pause. Try to hold any ground you have gained, but don’t push forward until life gets easier. That would mean not getting better but also not going back to how you were. Dig in and weather whatever storm is happening, then start fresh when the storm has passed.
But life stress isn’t the only obstacle. Sometimes the resistance comes from people. There are two forms of this: from your spouse and from others in your life.
If a change to make your marriage better costs others, they may protest. If you realise you spend too much time with “the boys” or “your girlfriends”, those people won’t be happy about having less of your time. If you tell them you’re doing it for your marriage, they may accuse you of being controlled by your spouse.
Pushback from your spouse seems weird. If you’re doing something for them, why would they oppose you? There are a few reasons this happens.
- They feel undeserving. Deep down, they may not believe they deserve better treatment.
- They feel guilty. Your improvement highlights areas where they know they’ve fallen short.
- They suspect strings attached. They may assume you expect something in return.
- Change itself is uncomfortable. Even good change disrupts the familiar. Sometimes we’d rather sit in something bad than deal with change.
- Your flaw is their excuse. What you’re fixing may have justified something they do wrong.
When friends or your spouse seem to oppose changes, do consider what they say. Then pray and work towards what you think God would have you do. If being right with Him is your primary goal, then what others think about a change won’t affect you as much.
~ This is Paul, and if change were easy, we’d all do it all the time.
Last week we took the grandsons for the annual meal out and tour of Christmas lights.
I think the pizza and ice cream were a bigger hit than the lights.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 29, 2025 | Change
Podcast: https://bit.ly/49cdgtT
So here comes 2026, ready or not! My wish and prayer for every one of you is that 2026 will be the best year yet for your marriage. I will do what I can to help you on that, but the hard part is on you!
Lori and I are not very big on resolutions. At least not as most folks do them. Change is difficult, slow, and never a straight line. Changing your marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. This week I’ll do a few posts aimed at improving your success at changing.
One of the first things to investigate is why you don’t want to do whatever it is you are setting out to change. If you really wanted to do it, if you wanted it with your whole being, you would do it. You might need to learn and grow, but you would not be fighting an uphill emotional battle.
Often part of us wants the change, and part does not. If we’re trying to stop a bad habit, we get something we like when we engage in the activity. And that part of us doesn’t want to give it up. Sometimes what we get is hidden from us. We might stay overweight or keep dressing poorly because we don’t want the attention we might get if we change. Fear of what success might bring can be a big obstacle.
And then there’s the question of motivation itself. Trying to change for your spouse, with no personal desire to make the change, is far more difficult than when you want the change. Making a change for your spouse is loving, and it’s not a bad motivation, but it will be a greater struggle. Then there’s the danger of thinking they owe you for what you’re doing. If they don’t change, will you feel your effort was wasted? This can be a subconscious thing and can be a reason why you start well and then fall away.
As I suggested recently, it may be better to not announce a change you intend to make. Work at it on your own. If you do well, your spouse will notice, and that will make you feel good about your efforts and spur you on.
Caveat: If your resistance is rooted in trauma, addiction, or mental health struggles, you may need professional help.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well will require change.
A few words on your year-end giving, which is now at $7568, or three quarters. We thank all who have sent donations and kind words. If you would like to help us reach our goal, you can do so here. Or you can send something by mail. US donations are tax-deductible and must be made or mailed by midnight on Dec 31st to count for 2025.
Finally got real cold.
Upper left is outside. Lower right is the hoop house. The bird barn was a toasty 51.4, while under the house where we stored potatoes it was 43.7. The other four are various areas of the house.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 26, 2025 | Christmas
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3YcrYfC
Have you ever done a Christmas post-mortem? Doing so could make next year much better for you, your spouse, and your marriage.
To be effective, you need to do this in the next few days while events and feelings are still fresh. You also have to agree to be lovingly but brutally honest. Then work to avoid feeling offended or hurt by what your spouse shares.
Take notes as you talk. Then sleep on it, and come back together to make a plan for next year. The plan should include things you absolutely won’t do, as well as things you will make a strong effort to do.
Not sure where to start? Here are some categories and questions to guide your conversation:
- How was your time use and level of busy? Start by giving an overall grade, then discuss details.
- Was anything special or memorable? Can you do it, or something similar, next year?
- Did you spend too much? What should you cut back on next year? What should be cut out?
- Did you eat way too much? How will you deal with that, and how will you do better next year?
- How was time with family? Was it good, or good but too much? Was it aggravating or painful? Was it hard on the kids? What will you do differently next year?
- Do you feel the kids got what they should have out of the season? If not, what was missing? What should you avoid or add next year?
- Did either of you struggle with depression? Was that dealt with well? How could it be better addressed?
- How did your marriage fare? Did you have enough couple time? Did you get snippy with each other? Was sex a casualty? What would you like to do to change those things next year?
Please do some self-care and marriage care the next few days to recover.
~ This is Paul, and dissecting the past helps us Do Life Well .
Desk kitty is watching!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 25, 2025 | Christmas
Podcast: https://bit.ly/44HStgD
Today, in the midst of the busy, I pray you are aware of the coming of Christ and what that means for you, your marriage, and the world.
May the love of Jesus burn in you with renewed force and grow throughout the next year. And may that love overflow into your marriage and your home.
~ This is Paul, celebrating the reason for the season!
Our new church building was ready for Christmas Eve!
First time in years we got everyone in for one service.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 24, 2025 | Christmas
Podcast: https://bit.ly/49apQtQ
I want to encourage you to carve out a bit of time for just you and your spouse tonight. If the kids are young, that could be after they are in bed. If they’re older, you could go to bed early.
What you do will depend on you. A warm drink and a special dessert would be nice. Time in front of the fireplace or Christmas tree could be good. Soft Christmas music seems obvious.
The real goal is to make a moment for your spouse and your marriage. Express your love. If you have a special gift, you could share it at this time. Snuggling is a must.
But honestly, the setting matters less than the intention. Before the happy insanity of Christmas Day runs you over like a rabid reindeer, wish the gift God gave you, your spouse, a very Merry Christmas.
~ This is Paul wishing you a very marriage-positive Christmas.
Mt Spokane at dusk. The white stripes are ski runs.
This was taken from the lowlands, where the snow has all melted!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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