Podcast: https://bit.ly/4qdipZI
In the last post, I argued that Christian marriages should be noticeably better than secular ones. So what does that actually look like in practice?
First and foremost, they should make God the centre of their lives and their marriage. Just as their lives belong to God, so does their marriage, for Him to use as He desires. What the couple wants, individually and as a couple, matters, but ultimately it should be God’s marriage. This could mean going to some far away place as missionaries, but for the vast majority of us it will mean doing things closer home. It could mean serving together at a soup kitchen, taking in foster children, or giving one Sunday a month to work with the kids during the church service.
In a Christian marriage, grace should be evident at every turn. This means ignoring minor slights, and dealing lovingly with larger ones. It means forgiveness, patience, and kindness, especially when it’s not “deserved”. It means accepting things you don’t like without a lot of grumbling. Furthermore, it means giving up scorekeeping and the “right” to revenge.
And of course, it means sacrifice. It means realising she is even more tired than you are, and helping her. It means seeing he is even busier than you are, and doing a job that is usually his job. And it means doing these things without waving a flag or expecting thanks or something in return. Sometimes it means sacrificing when it should be them sacrificing because you know they can’t or won’t, while you can and will.
When Adam said “the woman you gave me” to God, he was blame-shifting. But Solomon had a different take on it:
He who finds a wife finds a good thing
and obtains favor from the Lord. ~ Proverbs 18:22 ESV
I want this to be my perspective all the time. When I say “God, the woman you gave me,” I want it to be a prayer of thanks and praise. This is the truth, even when I can’t see it. And it’s what God wants our marriages to be, even when that’s not what we are experiencing at the moment.
Then there is this dire warning from the Bible:
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. ~ 1 Peter 3:7 ESV
The Greek word translated as “hindered” there can be translated as “cut off”. God seems to take how we treat each other very seriously.
Today, looked at your spouse and pray, “God, the person you gave me”, and mean it as thanksgiving. Shift from blame to gratitude and see what it does for your marriage.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well always entails grace, kindness, and sacrifice.
I love making soup with freeze-dried veggies, it’s so easy.
The grain is bulgar, which we just tried for the first time.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
Shop Amazon
We’re donation supported Thanks for your help!
This post may contain affiliate links, see my disclosure for info.
So much great stuff. Your perspective and insight are amazing. Some fear with disagreeing about this “This means ignoring minor slights.” It seems loving and kind to ignore the minor things but it is a trap. If Lori pokes you with a pin once it is no big deal, but what if she does it a couple of times a week? If you don’t process the pain there will probably come a time when you can’t take it anymore and overreact. It is much better to tell her about the little things when they happen so they don’t build up into a big thing.
@Roy Zesch Fair point. I’ve tried to talk about that, but it’s rather tricky. Is it intentional or accidental? Is my assumption about that valid or biased?
A big one for me is, will it be a problem for me if it continues at the same level? If so, deal with it ASAP. Will it be fine until I’m stressed? Then either get better about stress or deal with it.
Doing it in my marriage is easy. Trying to help others do it, not so much.
I am curious, does it really matter if it is intentional or accidental? If Lori accidentally sticks you with a pin you should say ouch so she knows it happened(no expectation for her to change). If she sticks you on purpose you should say ouch so she knows you noticed it(you probably expect her to quit). Very few behaviors are done to intentionally hurt our spouse. They are done to protect ourself from pain.
@Roy Zesch – Awareness and demanding attention are two different things.
If Lori bumps me and messes with what I’m doing, should I always let her know she messed with me? If it was an accident, I might not. If she accidentally does the same thing over and over, I will say something.
Human nature being what it is, what she causes me to mess up will be a factor. But that’s more about me than her.
Another issue would be a word or comment that hurt me because of my injuries. That’s on me, but I should let her know. And it’s fair to expect her to try to avoid doing it in the future. But as it’s my issue, she may need to be reminded. OTOH, if I decide I just need to get over it, then I might choose to let it go and use recurrences as a point of growth.
And all of this should be with an awareness of her current reality. If she is exhausted or has had a horrible day, I think it’s reasonable to let a bit more go.
I feel like we are missing each other in our discussion. Part of it is because this has been a big issue in our marriage. For many years Julie didn’t “sweat the small stuff” but there were lots of small pain points for her that were never dealt with. I didn’t know about them partially because she didn’t tell me and partially because I didn’t hear her meek expressions. When the pain finally broke through she communicated clearly but unhealthily, which caused me lots of shame because I didn’t feel like I knew about them before.
Part of it is the understanding of brain science from the connection codes about pain. If I feel pain the best things is for me to process it(big or small) when it happens. If I don’t do that then the pain builds and the message from my brain is to move away from the pain source(Julie) and this produces disconnection. If I can process the pain when it happens we can be more connected because I have shared my emotion. I can ask for her to make a change, but I can’t demand that she make a change. Me telling her about the small and large pains lets me process it and it connects us. Yes I need to give her grace for what happens afterward and not make mountains out of a molehills, but I need to let her into my world so she knows what is happening with me and knows about my pain experience.
Imagine if you have been doing something for years that hurts Lori and she didn’t tell you. How would you feel when you found out about her pain? I would guess some guilt and shame but also some anger that she didn’t tell you because that produced even more pain for her than telling you earlier would have.
Thank you for all you do in your marriage ministry. Hope this has felt like a tiny disagreement between friends and not felt like an attack.
@Roy Zesch – Thanks for pushing through! I understand what you’re saying. Lori and I did that, probably to a lesser extent than you and Julie. When the dam breaks, it can be ugly indeed.
What you say is accurate and wise. Processing with the one who caused the pain is usually the way to go. Too much of that left unsaid will hurt a marriage, no doubt about it.
Lori and I have both recently been talking about 40-year habits: things the other does that bother us that we have never mentioned. There is no guilt, as the one who shares makes it clear it’s on them for never speaking up. And we have both quick to make changes. Most of these things should have been dealt with many years ago.
But might it sometimes work to process alone with God? Sometimes the pain is because of my stuff, not her stuff. We both speak up about such things much of the time. But sometimes it feels like I need to deal with me so it stops being a problem from my side. Obviously there are many things where that can’t be done, and others where it shouldn’t be.
As an example, apparently I was rather snuggly while I slept last night, to the point I was crowding Lori. She could have woken me and asked me to move. I’d have been fine with that. Instead she pushed and nudged until I eventually moved. She has on other occasions when this has happened woken me. This time she chose to put my sleep ahead of hers. I felt bad about it when she mentioned it, but she was not at all upset.
No offence taken; I appreciate the conversation and the pushback. I know what I meant, but looking back I failed to articulate that well and unintentionally lumped in things I should not have. I will probably take another shot at this in the New Year.