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So what should sex look like in a biblical marriage?
A lot of folks have ideas about how it should not look. And the vast majority of that is not to be found or even hinted about in the Bible.
Ancient Jewish culture was very open about sexuality. They expected it to be confined to marriage, but beyond that there was a great deal of encouragement and freedom. Unfortunately early Christians abandoned this way of thinking and became very negative about sex. In 1 Cor 7, Paul was addressing heretics who said a Christian couple should avoid sex to be holier. These heretics were opposed to soft beds, comfortable clothing, and foods that tasted good, so condemning sex fit right in.
Sadly this thinking is not dead. Few go as far as the heretics of old, but some folks are concerned about a couple enjoying sex too much. Or too often.
But enough about what’s been gotten wrong; let’s talk about what’s right. When a couple has sex, what is good with God?
First, having regular sex is expected. Neither spouse is to limit sex (1 Cor 7:3-5). That doesn’t mean you have to say yes when you’re sick or your spouse has been horrible to you. It does mean you both make sex a priority.
What’s more, it’s clear that God wants both the husband and the wife to enjoy sex (Pr 5:18-19). That means orgasm, but it goes well beyond that. It means they both enjoy what they do sexually. That means not pushing for something your spouse dislikes. It also means stretching yourself to be okay with something your spouse desires if it’s not sinful, harmful, or uncomfortable. This includes being harmful or uncomfortable because of past abuse. (I need to write about having the necessary conversations for this.)
What you do is pretty much up to you. The Bible does not prescribe any sexual position. Neither does it forbid any. What’s more, no sex acts are forbidden to husband and wife. Many scholars find references to oral sex, done by both the man and the woman, in Song of Songs (cf. 2:3, 4:16, 7:1-9). Lingerie? Sure! Sex toys? Fine, if you both want to use them.
So is anything off limits? The only real restriction is keeping your sex life between you and your spouse. That means no one else is involved. It also means porn is unacceptable.
This week, ask your spouse, “Is there anything you’ve wanted to try that you’ve been afraid to mention? Is there something we do you would like to do less often or not at all?“
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well is up to the two of you.
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All the snow was gone. And just like that, it’s winter again.
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Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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