Podcast: https://bit.ly/3NnrXmB
More thoughts on making it easier to make changes that improve your marriage:
When you dedicate yourself to change, it’s important to set goals. Good goals can greatly increase your odds of success, so give it some thought.
You should have a final goal in mind, but don’t stop there. A series of goals is far better than just an end goal. Setting and achieving a series of goals helps you stay motivated. A well-planned set of objectives provides a clear route to achievement. Many goals require multiple changes, and outlining the goals allows you to see how those changes fit together.
As you consider smaller goals along the way, consider what might stand in the way of the change you want to make. What will this change cost you? Are you giving up something you enjoy? Are you moving out of your comfort zone? Don’t ignore the cost of such things. Give yourself time and grace, and see each obstacle overcome as one more step to your final goal.
Once you’ve mapped out the journey, you need a way to know if you’re making progress. How best to judge success? If you judge moment by moment, it’s easy to become despondent. Change is almost never a straight line. It’s usually more like taking two steps forward, one step back, and one step to the side.
If you get stuck, ask yourself if your original plan was flawed. Be willing to make adjustments to your path. If it becomes evident your final goal is unrealistic, don’t give up. Modify your goal and keep going.
The smart way to determine success is to compare the highs. If you have a high that exceeds your previous high, you have made progress. The inevitable dip does not indicate failure; remember that new high. Another way to do this is to consider your low points. If the most recent low was better than several previous lows, you’re doing well.
As an example, say you’ve been working on listening better. Last month, you had a conversation where your spouse said, “I really felt heard.” That’s a high. This week, you got distracted and missed something important; that’s a low. But if this week’s low is still better than your worst moments six months ago, you’re progressing. And, if your next “felt heard” moment is even better than the last, that’s real growth.
BTW, this perspective on progress is also a great way to view your marriage in general. Don’t be discouraged by the issues that are pressing in on you right now; instead, consider the big picture. Is your current situation better than it was previously? Are your current lows higher than previous lows?
Don’t get hung up on where you are; look at the big picture and see where you were.
~ This is Paul, praying 2026 is a great year for your marriage!
After falling through a while back, Widget was slow to trust the ice on the pond.
But now she does!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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