by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 23, 2025 | Christmas
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4qrweE4
Another out-of-the-box gift idea is to promise to work on something that bothers your spouse. But be aware this is a risky gift. Pulling it off could become one of the best gifts you ever give your spouse. But if you fail, it will become a big disappointment. Promising to change and then not doing it hurts. It also reduces trust.
So, if you are inclined to do this, please, please, please think and pray before you say anything to your spouse. Can you really do it? Are you going to stick with your commitment even when something unexpected blows up your life?
One great way to give this gift is to just do it without saying anything about it. Decide what you will do. You might even write out a plan. Then do it, and wait for your spouse to ask what’s going on. Or do it long enough and well enough that it’s clear you mean it, and then tell them what you’re doing.
What behaviour would your spouse really like you to change? Maybe it’s a bad habit. What do you not do that they would like you to do? What do you do rarely that they would like you to do more often?
So what might this look like practically?
If you’re messy and your spouse is not, being less messy would be a great gift. But set reasonable goals for yourself. Select areas of the house where you will fight mess with all you have, and areas where you will give yourself grace. Learn to avoid messes rather than getting better at picking things up in less than a week.
If your parents have been a problem for your marriage, determining to stop that would be a gift that would keep on giving. Do ask yourself if you’re up to the task. There’s a reason you have not pushed back before; are you ready to move past that, no matter what the cost?
If you’re chronically late, changing that would be an amazing gift. But again, are you up for it? Why you run late may not be about what you think. Are you ready to go down that path regardless of what you find?
And of course, there’s sex. This could be more sex if you’re the lower-drive spouse. It could be initiating if you don’t say no, but don’t ever start things. It could be deciding you will never again ask for or hint you want that thing your spouse doesn’t want to do. Or it could be ending your porn use once and for all.
Are you ready to give your spouse a gift they will treasure for the rest of their life?
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well can be costly.
Gotta sled while there’s snow!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 22, 2025 | Christmas
12Podcast: https://bit.ly/4jfhPsk
Let’s talk about out-of-the-box gift ideas.
A couple of weeks ago, I told you that experiences make better gifts than things. I also mentioned that shared experiences are good for your marriage. Experiences are one kind of out-of-the-box gift.
You can also gift your spouse with something you will do for them. This is particularly good for someone whose love language is acts of service. Gift certificates or coupons are a great way to give these gifts – more on that below. First, a few ideas to get you thinking:
- Back rubs
- Doing one of their chores
- A meal out
- Coffee or tea on demand
- Twenty minutes of engaged conversation
- A walk together
- A long, no-strings-attached hug
- If you’re the lower-drive spouse, sex acts are a great gift. If you’re the higher-drive spouse, not so much.
Most out-of-the-box gifts can’t be wrapped. Giving such a gift can be done with a gift certificate. Put it in a nice envelope, and you can put it under the tree, in a stocking, or on your spouse’s pillow. We have some nice certificates you can use. Download as PDF and write what you want after you print them. Download the DOC files, and you can add text before you print.
If you give a variety of gift certificates, add a few wildcards. One such certificate could be good for any certificate already used. Another could be open-ended, allowing your spouse to ask for anything within whatever guidelines you set. Or you could give an extra-time certificate; that would turn a fifteen-minute back rub into half an hour or a short stroll into a longer walk.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Christmas Gifts Well looks different for every couple.
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Winter has the best sunsets:
I pulled off the road and stood on the bumper of the truck to get this shot. Totally worth it!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 19, 2025 | Biblical Marriage
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4qhb778
So what should sex look like in a biblical marriage?
A lot of folks have ideas about how it should not look. And the vast majority of that is not to be found or even hinted about in the Bible.
Ancient Jewish culture was very open about sexuality. They expected it to be confined to marriage, but beyond that there was a great deal of encouragement and freedom. Unfortunately early Christians abandoned this way of thinking and became very negative about sex. In 1 Cor 7, Paul was addressing heretics who said a Christian couple should avoid sex to be holier. These heretics were opposed to soft beds, comfortable clothing, and foods that tasted good, so condemning sex fit right in.
Sadly this thinking is not dead. Few go as far as the heretics of old, but some folks are concerned about a couple enjoying sex too much. Or too often.
But enough about what’s been gotten wrong; let’s talk about what’s right. When a couple has sex, what is good with God?
First, having regular sex is expected. Neither spouse is to limit sex (1 Cor 7:3-5). That doesn’t mean you have to say yes when you’re sick or your spouse has been horrible to you. It does mean you both make sex a priority.
What’s more, it’s clear that God wants both the husband and the wife to enjoy sex (Pr 5:18-19). That means orgasm, but it goes well beyond that. It means they both enjoy what they do sexually. That means not pushing for something your spouse dislikes. It also means stretching yourself to be okay with something your spouse desires if it’s not sinful, harmful, or uncomfortable. This includes being harmful or uncomfortable because of past abuse. (I need to write about having the necessary conversations for this.)
What you do is pretty much up to you. The Bible does not prescribe any sexual position. Neither does it forbid any. What’s more, no sex acts are forbidden to husband and wife. Many scholars find references to oral sex, done by both the man and the woman, in Song of Songs (cf. 2:3, 4:16, 7:1-9). Lingerie? Sure! Sex toys? Fine, if you both want to use them.
So is anything off limits? The only real restriction is keeping your sex life between you and your spouse. That means no one else is involved. It also means porn is unacceptable.
This week, ask your spouse, “Is there anything you’ve wanted to try that you’ve been afraid to mention? Is there something we do you would like to do less often or not at all?“
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well is up to the two of you.
We saw a big bump in our year-end giving goal the last few days, putting us at $6353. Just over a third to go; can you help?
All the snow was gone. And just like that, it’s winter again.
Oh well, at least it’s looking good for a white Christmas.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 17, 2025 | Biblical Marriage
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4qdipZI
In the last post, I argued that Christian marriages should be noticeably better than secular ones. So what does that actually look like in practice?
First and foremost, they should make God the centre of their lives and their marriage. Just as their lives belong to God, so does their marriage, for Him to use as He desires. What the couple wants, individually and as a couple, matters, but ultimately it should be God’s marriage. This could mean going to some far away place as missionaries, but for the vast majority of us it will mean doing things closer home. It could mean serving together at a soup kitchen, taking in foster children, or giving one Sunday a month to work with the kids during the church service.
In a Christian marriage, grace should be evident at every turn. This means ignoring minor slights, and dealing lovingly with larger ones. It means forgiveness, patience, and kindness, especially when it’s not “deserved”. It means accepting things you don’t like without a lot of grumbling. Furthermore, it means giving up scorekeeping and the “right” to revenge.
And of course, it means sacrifice. It means realising she is even more tired than you are, and helping her. It means seeing he is even busier than you are, and doing a job that is usually his job. And it means doing these things without waving a flag or expecting thanks or something in return. Sometimes it means sacrificing when it should be them sacrificing because you know they can’t or won’t, while you can and will.
When Adam said “the woman you gave me” to God, he was blame-shifting. But Solomon had a different take on it:
He who finds a wife finds a good thing
and obtains favor from the Lord. ~ Proverbs 18:22 ESV
I want this to be my perspective all the time. When I say “God, the woman you gave me,” I want it to be a prayer of thanks and praise. This is the truth, even when I can’t see it. And it’s what God wants our marriages to be, even when that’s not what we are experiencing at the moment.
Then there is this dire warning from the Bible:
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. ~ 1 Peter 3:7 ESV
The Greek word translated as “hindered” there can be translated as “cut off”. God seems to take how we treat each other very seriously.
Today, looked at your spouse and pray, “God, the person you gave me”, and mean it as thanksgiving. Shift from blame to gratitude and see what it does for your marriage.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well always entails grace, kindness, and sacrifice.
I love making soup with freeze-dried veggies, it’s so easy.
The grain is bulgar, which we just tried for the first time.
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by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 16, 2025 | Biblical Marriage
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3XU3HLd
Let’s be honest: for most of recorded history, it sucked to be a woman. In the ancient world, a common male citizen generally had more public rights and autonomy than a noble woman.
Jewish women, however, had it better. Or at least less bad. God gave woman rights and protection in the Law. Jewish women were free to engage in commerce and real estate transactions, as seen in the 31st Proverb. A daughter could inherit if there were no male heirs (cf. Nu 27:1-11). The Law commanded husbands to provide wives with food, clothing, and conjugal rights. (Ex 21:10-11) And under civil law, a husband could be forced to divorce if he failed to do these things. The Jewish dowry was not payment for taking the woman; rather, it was for the woman to use if her husband died or divorced her for any cause other than adultery. And women were more part of life, culture, and worship than was the case for many surrounding cultures.
When the Jews followed God’s laws, being a Jewish wife was better than being a non-Jewish wife,
Fast-forward two thousand years. If God’s laws elevated Jewish wives above their pagan contemporaries, shouldn’t Christian marriages stand out today?
I think being the wife of a Christian man should be better than being the wife of an unbeliever. Our wives should be more loved, better protected, and freer to be who God made them to be. They should get better communication, more regular date nights, more help with the kids, and better sex.
Of course, this should cut both ways. Being married to a Christian woman should be better than being married to a woman who is not following Jesus. It should be clear from what he says, and how he acts, that hubby is greatly blessed in his marriage.
Here’s the big thing: This is a salvation issue. Not for the Christian couple, but for the people around them. Imagine if folks started to realise that the Christians they knew were happier, and had far better marriages. A bad marriage is a difficult and painful thing, and if it were obvious Christians had the answer to that, folks would flock to us and to our churches.
The other way your marriage “preaches” is to your children. Kids raised by parents in an unhappy marriage are less likely to get married themselves. Living a good marriage in front of your kids improves their future, and your chance of getting grandkids!
What if every Christian marriage became a living apologetic for the gospel? What if unbelievers looked at how Christian couples love, fight, forgive, serve, and sacrifice, and thought, “I want what they have”?
It’s possible. Not through perfection, but through transformation. Not through hiding struggles, but through showing how grace redeems them.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well is evangelism!
If God is using this content in your marriage, would you consider supporting this ministry? Select $8.99 monthly, and after fees, we receive $100 over the year, enabling us to keep helping couples thrive.
Finally got the indoor Christmas tree up. And, I do mean UP!
I’ve always wanted an upside down tree. I talked Lori into it when we got a cat that refused to leave the tree alone. Thanks, Tilly!
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by PAUL BYERLY | Dec 15, 2025 | Biblical Marriage
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3KSn04n
Among Christians, it’s common this time of year to remind each other to “remember the reason for the season”. While we do many of the things the world does this time of year, for us, it’s more than a party. And hopefully what we do, and to a lesser extent do not do, is different from our secular neighbours.
What about remembering the reason for marriage? Christians do many of the things the world does with regard to marriage, but for us there’s more to it. And hopefully what we do and do not do in our marriages is different from our secular neighbours.
On the surface, it may seem the Bible says only a little about how to do marriage. However, beyond the well-known marriage passages, much of what Jesus commanded us to do in general should be applied to our marriages. Let’s look at a few examples of that, and how it would play out.
- “Do to others what you would have them do to you”: If we just did this, our marriages would be so much better. Sadly, we may treat our spouse worse than we treat our friends. We know our friends won’t put up with it, but our spouse will.
- “Turn the other cheek” & “Forgive seventy times seven”: Forgiving is not optional. Not even when our spouse has done whatever many times before. Forgiving does not mean no consequences, that’s a different issue.
- “Love your neighbour as yourself”: This means considering your spouse’s desires and priorities to be just as important as your own. When those clash with your desires and priorities, you have to work it out; you don’t just go with what you want.
- “Love your enemies”: Hopefully you don’t think your spouse is your enemy. But most husbands and wives do feel this way from time to time. We must go beyond our feelings and be kind and loving even when we are upset.
- “Judge not, that you be not judged”: Judgment is usually more than thinking “You were wrong”. Judgment often causes us to think, “I am better than you” and then use this to justify treating our spouse badly.
Christian marriage should look different. Not because we follow different rules, but because we’re empowered by a different love. The same Christ who saved us gives us the grace to treat each other the way He treats us.
~ This is Paul, and following the Bible helps us Do Marriage Well.
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This is what happens to Starlight mints when you freeze dry them!
They dissolve immediately in your mouth, giving a blast of mint flavour.
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