by PAUL BYERLY | Jan 30, 2026 | Potpourri
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4k7FOK4
I recently saw an article entitled “Forget what porn taught you, this is what women really want in bed.”
I didn’t read the article. While I agree with the first half of the title, the second half is problematic.
It’s true that most of what is shown in porn has no connection with what real women want in bed. Likewise for the sex you see in movies and TV shows. It seems some of the directors lack a basic understanding of human anatomy. Romance novels are also reality-challenged, providing women with an example that they will never find with a real man.
But unrealistic portrayals are only half the issue. The other half? The assumption that women (or men) are interchangeable. Men and women are unique individuals, and this is especially true when you look at sexuality. One woman only wants sex in a certain position, while another hates that position. Some find nipple play a fantastic form of foreplay, while others get nothing from it, and some find it distracting or annoying. Men may be slightly more similar to each other, but there are still significant preferences, likes, and dislikes.
There is no universal “what women want in bed” playlist, and searching for such a thing is a fool’s errand.
Books and blogs can give you ideas to try, and that can be useful. Just see it as a list of possibilities to be vetted. It can be a helpful way to start exploring.
The goal is to learn what your unique husband or wife enjoys sexually. But that may not be easy, as they may not know! If you had never tasted food and I asked you what you wanted to eat, you would have no idea. After trying a few things, you could say which you liked, which you liked a lot, and which you did not enjoy. But there are a great many foods out there! You can often guess if you will enjoy a dish based on its similarity with other things you have eaten, but sometimes a dish surprises you.
A great sex life is a lifelong journey of exploration, not a destination.
Two bits of advice for the journey.
First, work to dump your preconceived ideas and legalistic rules you may have been taught. Your sex life is between the two of you and God. No one else gets a say. If you both enjoy a sex act, then it’s a good thing for your marriage bed. The Bible puts no limits on a couple’s sex life as long as it remains between the two of them and causes no harm.
Second, because it is easier to make sex good for men, her preferences should be given more weight than his. For example, for her, the difference between two positions can be having or not having an orgasm, or being or not being sore the next day. For him, the difference is how much he enjoys it. His preferences certainly matter, but making sex good for both of you is a bigger priority.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Sex Well is a process.
Play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play!!!!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jan 29, 2026 | Potpourri
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4k5bmAp
You may know the scene from A Few Good Men in which Jack Nicholson’s character says, “You can’t handle the truth!” But here’s what’s worse: many people don’t want to know the truth. What we want is what we believe to be the truth. It’s human nature. And we do it in our marriages, to our detriment.
Jack and Bonny have a fight. Jack tells his buddies about the situation, and they all confirm that he is right and Bonny is being selfish. Meanwhile Bonny is sharing with her girlfriends, all of whom tell her she is right, and Jack is being a jerk. Both convinced the other is wrong, they dig in and the issue can’t be resolved.
Some folks up the ante, seeking an “expert” who will tell them they are right. Years ago Lori and I were one of four couples in our church who worked with marriages. In less than two weeks, the same person visited all four of us about their marriage. When our initial reaction was not “Your spouse is horrible,” they moved on to the next couple. They didn’t want help; they wanted someone to tell their spouse, “You’re wrong; shape up.”
I totally get it. I don’t like being wrong! Wanting the truth is rare. It takes courage and humility to risk learning we are wrong. This seems especially true in marriages where the stakes feel so high. In addition to that, there is the matter of pride.
Let me give you a different perspective to try. Fairly often both you and your spouse are wrong about something. At best, you each have part of the truth mixed with misperception, assumption, or self-justification. And sometimes neither of you has found any of the truth about the situation. It’s entirely possible you are both being selfish about a situation, just in different ways.
If you can look at disagreements in this way, then you can see past your truth vs. their truth and look for THE truth. A good way to do this is to start by asking where you are wrong. Not if, but where. Pray about it. Ask a trusted friend where you are wrong in the situation.
Now for the hard part: when you see a way in which you were wrong, confess that to your spouse. Don’t also share the part you think you got right, as that will diminish what you are doing. Focus on how you realise you were wrong.
If you think you can’t admit you were wrong because your spouse will use it against you, you have a way bigger problem than whatever your latest disagreement is about, and you probably need third-party help ASAP.
What I’m suggesting here can be both difficult and scary. But it can radically change arguments and disagreements for the better. Give it a try and enjoy the freedom and intimacy that comes from pursuing truth together.
~ This is Paul, and asking God how you are wrong is Doing Marriage Well.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jan 28, 2026 | Potpourri
Podcast: https://bit.ly/4adzqOa
Something else that has helped Lori and me have a good marriage is the idea that we are all both beautiful and broken. I don’t recall where we first heard that phrase, but it struck both of us as a very important truth.
For me, seeing both the beautiful and the broken is about accepting the entire reality of another person.
Is my wife broken? Of course she is! And I know her brokenness far better than anyone else. I know broken places others will never see, and I know that some of her broken places are deeper than others would guess. I know these things because I have been hurt by her brokenness, and I have watched her be hurt by her brokenness. I’m not ignorant of her shortcomings, nor do I deny them or pretend they are less than they are.
However, I also know her beauty. I have seen it in ways others will never see, and I know the depths of her beauty in ways that others could never guess. And I have been blessed by her beauty.
Because I hold both of these, I am not swayed or shaken when we have problems. I know the brokenness is there, so I’m not surprised when it causes issues. I also know the beauty is there, and I know that even when I’m not seeing it at the moment. The brokenness does not drag me down because I know the beautiful. And I know that beauty always comes through. I have learned I can count on it.
I am also beautiful and broken. When I am doing well, I temper myself with the knowledge my brokenness is still there and will rear its head again. And when the broken is making life difficult, I know the beautiful is there, soon to show again.
Pray for God to open your eyes to truly see your spouse’s beauty and to have grace for their brokenness.
~ This is Paul, and embracing reality is Doing Marriage Well.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jan 27, 2026 | Potpourri
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3M8JUFk
Today, Lori and I celebrate our forty-first anniversary!
There were a number of folks who thought we should not get married. And I’m sure many we knew back then would be shocked we are not only still married but also both very happy with our marriage.
There were certainly reasons to be concerned about us making it. We had plenty of the things experts point to as marriage-killing problems. And we lacked a good support network.
What we did have was a common belief that God could make our marriage work if we let Him (doing things like prayer, seeking His guidance, and surrendering our own wills).
Beyond that, here are a few things that have made a major difference to us:
- Generosity: We both work to give more than is expected or deserved.
- Grace: We give grace as often and as well as we can.
- Gratitude: We both express gratitude all the time. And we look for things for which to be grateful.
- Non-sexual touch: We snuggle a lot. Unless we have to be out the door very early, we set the alarm so we can snuggle for at least ten minutes each morning. We also hug during the day and touch when we pass.
- Caring about what is important to the other: If one of us is into something, the other works to have a decent understanding of that thing. We support what the other enjoys doing, even if we don’t do it ourselves.
- We share our faith: We do a devotional together each morning. We discuss the Bible and theology. And we minister together.
- Trying new things together: From RVing to homesteading, we have gone all in on various new pursuits.
Which of these could you intentionally cultivate in your marriage starting today?
~ This is Paul, and this is what Doing Marriage Well looks like for us.
Widget fulfils the “retriever” part of being a Labrador retriever by bringing things she “finds” to me.
I can’t find a tooth mark on this, and I have no idea how she does that, as she was running with it.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jan 26, 2026 | Potpourri
Podcast: https://bit.ly/46f8IlR
I have a growing list of bits that don’t fill out a week, so I’m doing potpourri this week. Today I want to give you a situation and how it would best be addressed.
Sam is using media that Chris finds inappropriate. It might be something being read or something being watched. So Chris brings it up, saying, “I wish you would not read or watch that; it seems inappropriate.”
Because this can occur in both directions, I used two names that can be applied to both men and women. The problematic media could be romance novels, magazines with near nudity, a TV-MA series, or beefcake on Pinterest.
The normal reaction for most of us when accused in this way is to be defensive. “It’s not that big a deal. You’re overreacting.” And then the fight starts.
What if Sam reacted differently, saying, “I’m so sorry. Since it bothers you, I will stop.”
Are you wondering, “What if Chris is overreacting?” It’s certainly possible he or she is overreacting. Is Chris simply allowed to veto anything? Does Sam have no say?
In my example, Sam is putting his or her spouse’s feelings ahead of what they feel they’re entitled to. But that should not be the end of it. The next statement could be “I’m going to pray about it for a few days, and then we can discuss it. But be assured I won’t be looking at it during that time.”
Sam demonstrates that he or she cares about Chris and Chris’ feelings by immediately giving up whatever. This is loving and reassuring. It provides a short-term fix and takes the heat out of the situation.
When they follow up, Sam should start by asking why Chris feels the media is unacceptable. Then Sam can counter with how they feel about it. It would be wise to consider the relationship as a whole. Are they less close than they used to be? Are they struggling with sex? Such issues colour how we see the media our spouse is consuming. Perhaps the media is not the real issue. Chris’ concern may be a symptom of a much more important issue that needs to be discussed.
What if the couple can’t come to an agreement? Asking a respected third party would be one option. If Sam is unwilling to share what s/he has been viewing, that’s telling. If Chris is unwilling to admit a problem with what Sam watches, that is also telling.
Ultimately, I think Sam should come down on the side of not doing something that makes Chris uncomfortable. Better to give up something than to harm the relationship. The only exception would be if Chris is trying to control everything Sam does.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every Sam and Chris.
Every night:
Which is why they get kicked out before we go to sleep!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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by PAUL BYERLY | Jan 24, 2026 | Seeing Clealry
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3LLqOoM
I spent the week talking about seeing your spouse as good-willed and how doing so positively affects your marriage. But how do we assume good will when our spouse leaves their socks on the floor for the tenth time or seems to ignore our feelings or requests?
Start with prayer. Before you get out of bed in the morning, ask God to help you assume good will and to see intentions, not just actions.
When your spouse does something that is annoying or aggravating, try to reframe it. Why did they do that? Are they busy and not paying attention? Have they had a long hard day and are not trying? Is it a blind spot? Beyond all that, have you made it clear in the past that you dislike it when they do whatever? What’s the most charitable, good-willed explanation for their behaviour?
When your spouse is good-willed, flag that in your mind. We tend to be far more aware of what bothers us than what blesses us. If you kept a running tally, you might find your spouse is far more good-willed than you have given them credit for.
If doing all of this for a couple of weeks leaves you convinced your spouse is not good-willed, then what?
First, check yourself. Are you being good-willed? Are you compassionate when your spouse is struggling? Then ask yourself if this is their long-term norm or something recent. If they have changed, why might that have happened? Is it because of your relationship, or is it an external issue?
Next, start a discussion. Rather than accusing, explain how their actions make you feel. Ask what you can do to help change things. Ask if they are reacting to you or something you are doing. Ask if they can be a little more considerate. And of course, offer grace.
If the issue is new, ask yourself if it might be a season because of what is happening in their life. Sometimes we just have to hold out until things get better. And sometimes we need to speak up. Ask God for wisdom in knowing which is appropriate now. As I said earlier, there are limits. Don’t be a doormat, and absolutely don’t put up with abuse.
Seeing your spouse as good-willed is important for a good marriage. If you are not there, it deserves some effort.
~ This is Paul, reminding you that seeing the good is Doing Marriage Well.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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