Podcast: https://bit.ly/3LnuWek
When you make changes to improve your marriage, you can do that on your own or with your spouse. Some changes take both of you. If you’re habitually late to things because neither of you is ready to leave on time, then you being ready on time won’t fix the issue. You might be able to start the process of such a change, but if your spouse is unwilling, you will get stuck.
If a change will require action from your spouse, you need to start by discussing it with them. You both need to be on board and working towards the same goal. Not sure how to bring it up? Try something like: “I’ve been thinking about [specific change], and I’d love your help. Can we talk about what that might look like?” Identify together what success will look like. Discuss smaller goals along the way. Brainstorm what could interfere with progress, and how you can avoid or work past those things.
See the change as a joint goal, and encourage each other. Give your spouse grace when they fail, and allow yourself grace when you fail. Celebrate success each step of the way.
But not every change is a team project. If a goal is all on you, you can still get your spouse’s help if they’re willing. This requires sharing your goal, which creates pressure. Some folks work better this way – if that’s you, use it. Sharing with your spouse also sets them up for disappointment, so don’t share something unless you’re fairly sure you can succeed.
There’s a lot of talk about accountability. Accountability is asking for help. It does not shift responsibility for your actions to someone else. If your spouse is willing to ask how you’re doing on what you are trying to change, great. If not, make it your job to tell them every few days or once a week. If they are comfortable nudging you, saying something like, “Do you really want to eat that ice cream?” can be beneficial. If you want that from them, you must receive it well. And the responsibility for making the change remains with you; it’s not on them.
Asking your spouse to help you make changes can make it much easier to change. But it can also be a marriage stressor. If your marriage isn’t up to it, don’t push for help.
How do you know if your marriage can handle it? Ask yourself: Can we discuss hard things without ending up in a fight? Does my spouse generally respond with grace or with criticism? Is your spouse likely to be controlling? If accountability conversations are likely to create more conflict than progress, pursue the change quietly on your own.”
Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. ~ Proverbs 27:17 ESV
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
A tool you might like: A couple of weeks ago, I added QuillBot to my Chrome browser. It’s the best spell checker I’ve ever used. It also does grammar and other checks with the free version. It does far more in paid mode, which I have not checked out.
Collected eggs today. So many colours!
The dark brown on the left is Black Copper Maran. Next to that is Barred Rock. The two greenish ones are from a cross of an Easter Egger hen and a Barred Rock rooster. The small light one on the end is from a Black Australorp. The pinkish one is probably a cross from a Barred Rock rooster and a Black Australorp hen.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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