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I have a friend, who also does marriage ministry, who says, “You have the marriage you want.“
I think it’s more accurate to say you have the marriage you are willing to work for.
Many people will disagree with both of those statements, arguing that you can only have the marriage you desire if your spouse is willing to do their part. But here’s the thing: in many marriages, both spouses say that. Each is waiting for the other to do “their part”.
Part of this is that we don’t see ourselves accurately. We think we are less of the problem than we actually are. This then means we see our spouse as more of the problem than they actually are. We give ourselves excuses and justify things we should be dealing with. And we don’t do that for our spouse.
It’s easy to see your spouse as the problem. In fact, it’s so natural, your spouse likely sees you as the problem. And then our friends “help” us by listening to our skewed version of our marital reality and agreeing it’s our spouse, not us.
Allow me to drop some truth on you: you only see some of the ways you are limiting or injuring your marriage, and you underestimate many of the ways you do see.
Regardless of what your spouse may need to do, there are things you need to do. This is the log in your eye, and Jesus “suggested” that you deal with it before you worry about that speck in your spouse’s eye.
How about spending this week looking at your logs? Consider how your actions might look to a third party looking at your marriage. I’d also suggest asking the Lord to show you some of your logs.
~ This is Paul, and Doing Marriage Well requires being honest with yourself.
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I made an eggnog cheesecake with a gingersnap crust for Christmas and again for New Year’s Eve.
It was a big hit both times.
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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I agree with most of this. I do still contend that they are correct who would say that it isn’t “you have the marriage you are willing to work for” but rather, “you have the marriage that you are both willing to work for.” Yes, there are things each of us can work on in our own lives that will help towards the end goal and we definitely need to focus on those, since we cannot do the work our spouse needs to do. However, if we are the only one working on ourselves, our marriage will never reach what we are willing to work for on our part. We cannot carry both.
Maybe I’m misreading what you said.
@Pa’dam – You are, of course, correct. The problem is most folks who think they are being stopped by their spouse are less than accurate.
When one has tried and tried and still nothing, then they have to decide: will they life with it, or give an ultimatum?
Thank you. That’s a really tough decision, if you have years or even decades of growing and loving her behind you. It’s tragic in that this one thing that breaks so many marriages by its omission could truly make so many into wonderful havens for both husband AND wife and they, in turn, would become such a blessing to everyone around them. I hate that the enemy has managed to so successfully sabotage such a great blessing and turn it into a weapon.
Recipe for Cheesecake?
Eggnog Cheesecake *
Crust:
• 8 ounces gingersnap cookies crushed
• 1 tsp nutmeg
• 4 TBS unsalted butter, melted
Cheesecake filling:
• 32 ounces cream cheese room temperature
• 1 cup granulated sugar
• 1 cup eggnog
• 3 large room-temperature eggs
• 2 tsp vanilla extract
• 3 TBS all-purpose flour
• pinch of salt
• 1 tsp nutmeg
Eggnog whipped cream:
• 1 cup very cold heavy whipping cream
• ¼ cup very cold eggnog
• 3 TBS powdered sugar
• 1 tsp nutmeg
• Note: this does not stiffen as well as just cream. A very cold bowl will help.
Instructions
• Preheat oven to 350°F.
• Wrap a 9-inch springform pan in oil. Cut a round of parchment paper to fit the bottom of the pan, and lightly butter the sides.
• Mix crushed gingersnap cookies, nutmeg and melted butter until thoroughly combined. Press the crumbs into the pan, going an inch up the sides.
• Bake crust for 8 minutes, and cool completely.
• Beat the cream cheese until smooth. Add sugar and mix well. Add eggnog and mix until incorporated. Add the eggs, one at a time, fully incorporating each and scraping down the bowl after each egg. Add vanilla, flour, salt and nutmeg and beat until fully incorporated and smooth. Pour over the crust.
• Place the pan into a larger pan and pour boiling water into the larger pan halfway up the side of the springform pan. Bake for 65-70 minutes. The edges will appear to be set, but the centre will have a slight jiggle to it. When done, turn off the oven, crack the door, and cool in oven one hour.
• After an hour, gently remove the pans, and remove the cheesecake from the water bath, placing it on a cooling rack. When the cheesecake is completely cooled, cover and refrigerate at least 8 hours.
• Just before serving, top with eggnog whipped cream and a sprinkling of nutmeg.