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Incorrect benefit/cost ratio calculations are another common reason why couples do not have the marriage they desire. Benefit/cost ratio is a business calculation that is made by dividing the projected cash benefit of a project by the projected total cash cost of the project. If the resulting number is over 1, it’s a good investment. The larger the number, the better.
While not everyone knows the term ‘benefit/cost ratio’, we all do this all the time in our lives. It’s how we decide if something is worth doing. We compare what we think something will cost us in time and energy to what we think we will get out of it. If it costs too much, or we won’t get much out of it, we’re not likely to do whatever.
We do this calculation in our marriage. In addition to deciding whether or not to do something, it may be used to determine how much effort we will put into it. If our spouse asks us to make a change for them, we calculate how much benefit we will gain from the change. Then we make an effort in proportion to what we think we will get.
There are obvious problems with this. We may miscalculate both what we will get and what it will cost us. What’s more, if your marriage has never been better than okay, you don’t understand how much a good marriage will benefit you. So you make inaccurate benefit/cost calculations.
Another issue is failing to recognise how much your spouse will benefit from something and how that will affect what they do with and for you. Such indirect benefits are easily missed. If your spouse has a positive attitude toward you and your marriage, it will influence how they treat you. If you underestimate how a change will benefit your spouse, you will fail to guess how they will respond to you.
An example of how this plays out: Your wife asks you to come to bed early so you can talk before going to sleep. You calculate: “I’ll lose an hour of my evening, and all I’ll get is conversation I could have anytime.” So you give her ten minutes. But that connection would make her feel valued. When she feels valued, she’s warmer toward you the next day. That warmth affects everything: how she speaks to you, how she responds to your needs, and how she thinks about your marriage. The real benefit was much higher than you calculated.
One way to change things is to start adding a large “my spouse wants it” factor to the benefit side of your calculations. This is both loving and wise, and it will result in both of you being happier with your marriage.
Count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. ~ Philippians 2:3-4 (ESV)
~ This is Paul, reminding you that Doing Marriage Well looks different for every couple.
Got two inches of snow yesterday.
I have mixed feelings about snow, but there is no denying its beauty!
Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with ideogram.ai & Paul Byerly
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